WINS 1ST WDI @ CHEROKEE/HAWK’S RIDGE
By Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

Grown gay men were CRYING; tasty pre-teen chicks were VYING and ugly fat bitches were TRYING ….to get Joebob’s attention. He really liked the Leopard T-Backs, but couldn’t care less about the huge, tent-sized panties ( with skid marks ) and small tubes of KY jelly, that were being tossed at him, as he walked to the scorer’s tent.

A small smile came over Joebob’s face due to the adulation and he stopped and slowly turned back to the course he just tamed and thought, ” Bob, oh Bob…..you’re not a MOFO anymore.You finally tore off the tag of the Best Golfer To Not Have Won A Major. ” Not even the thought of Denise Agliano holding that damn aluminum trophy, smugly over his head back in ’98 could dampen his mood.

Where are we? Well, we’re in Hotlanta ( actually Roswell, Ga. ) scene of the 39th WDI Tourney…..actually a mini-WDI toonamint. It was quickly scheduled at the last minute due to the WDI’s Exec. Committee’s hastily convened meeting early last week. By a vote of 2-0, with the Neck out of the country, the Exec Committee had sandwiched in a 3-day Hotlanta Mini-WDI Tourney, at Cherokee North and Hawk’s Ridge, scene of this week’s US Open qualifier ( with the 3rd day/course unfortunately scratched ).

Boynie, Broneck, Neck and the frickin’ Duke were AWOL and a visit to the Fish Compound in So. Tampa, found a big, red sign that read, “Gone Fishin”. So the Commish and the Exec. Committee said, “Fuck em, play on”…………. Who were the combatants? Well, first and foremost, there was the sweet-swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua……..fresh off his triple level, low back fusion, w/steel rods and screws, who was recently cleared to play by his Chilean neuro. After shooting 80..81..81 the last 3 times he played from the pink tees at narrow PC, only 2 weeks post-surgery……. he was clearly the favorite in Vegas at 2-1.

Looking quite debonair as usual and sipping on a frosty glass of double-expresso, triple-cream, no foam, no sugar, hold the mayo, chilled latte was the Snoot Doggy Dog…..clearly Dora’s favorite. ( Kapalua called him the Roswell Rat Bastard ) Odds were that he would…fold like an accordion! Next up was the Crazed Czech Kluz, aka Two-Shots, who was attempting a rare 3-peat at the Hotlanta venues. He had not played much in the past few months, due to his new job ( and for that matter, hadn’t had a blow job in a while either ) and his spotty play showed it.

And finally, journeyman and Sicilian Hitman, Joe Babbo who hailed from N.W. Sicily, by way of N.W. Philly and currently lives in N.W. Tampa. His favorite movie? What else, “NORTH BY NORTHWEST! Playing well in his last 20 WDIs, but falling apart like a cheap suit in all of them…..he was anxious to exorcise the demons. “NO MORE MR NICE GUY”, he thought as he downed his 3rd Bloody while waiting to tee off on a gorgeous, cool 68 degree, blue-sky, no clouds day @ Cherokee North.

Partners Kap and 2-Shots leered at their opponents and then, openly jeered, loud enough for everyone to hear, “These schmoos don’t have a fucking chance.” Looking back at them, Snoot and Joebob were pissed. “Let’s show them what we’re made of Joebob,” snapped Snoot. To which Joebob replied quite doctorally, ” Ah Snoot, we’re made of tissue, tendons, bones and blood and……..”Shut up Joebob, let’s beat these miscreants.”

It took ONLY 2 holes and Kapalua was silent, moody and muttering to himself while 2-Shots was trying to stem the dyke, but couldn’t as Snoot and JB shot 84..88 ( to Kap’s 95 and Kluz’s 91 ) to win the 1st days matches. ( Joebob was 0; Snoot -2, Kluz -5 and Kap -12 OUCH )

That nite, as the boys ate delicious lasagna, meata-balls, ceasar salad, a lot of wine and too much desert at Snoot North, compliments of Snoot and Dora the Explorer……Joebob looked steely-eyed. ( Or was he shit-faced ? ) Actually, they ALL looked steely-eyed!!!! At any rate, DAY 2 loomed at Hawk’s Ridge and following a big blubeberry pancake, egg, bacon and Bloody Mary breakfast…..Kapalua and Kluz, renewed and revitalized, jumped out to a sizable lead on the front side, just like the good ol days. They were guffawing loudly at Snoot’s and Joebob’s wayward shots. ” Boy do they suck!!!” Good sportsmanship???????

Joebob, vowing he couldn’t take it anymo’, shot 38 on the tough back nine to Snoot’s 41, and the guffawing ceased. Their brother-in-lawing was outrageous AND they weren’t even related, as they soundly kicked some Euro ass, or maybe Puerto Rican and Czech ass. Since DAY 3 play was cancelled, JoeBabbo waltzed to his 1st WDI crown, with a Final Combined score of +7, followed by Snoot @ -5; Kluz at -8 and a pissed off and morose Kap @-13. The monkey was finally off JB’s back and he bellowed for everyone to hear, ” Now it’s time time to spank that monkey”!…as headed into the locker room( which cleared out pretty fast, if you know what I mean )

With the Michigan fall WDI looming in August, what will Joebabbo do? Will he make a run at WDI immortality? Word is that he might only play one course….venerable Oakland Hills and then fly back. If he does, he faces DQ!!! But if he has a chance to join an elite group of WDI Hall of Famers, who have REPEATED…….will he play? Or will he stay?

OTHER QUESTIONS: Will the Duke be run over in the car pits at Charlotte? Who has dibs on his sticks if he is? Can the Neck regain his form? Will he seek out advice from his Germanic relatives on his summer trip to the Rhine? Will Boynie’s handicap reach 30? Can the sauteed Tilapia make ONE more run? Or will he smell up the kitchen? Is Broneck too old at 82? Where the fuck is Chickamauga? And finally, will Kapalua seek psychiatric help?

These questions and many more will be answered in the months to come.

Your in golf,
Wick E. Wiley

Here is a list of WDI players who have repeated….Most are in WDI Hall of Shame! Noone has 3-peated!
KLUZ…..Feb. ’12 @ Bay Hill and Nov. ’12 @ Innisbrook
FISH……Mar. 08 Bay Hill and May 08 @ Southern Hills
KAPALUA…Sept. 06 @ Mich. and Apr. 07 @ Pinehurst
DUKE…twice…May 09 @ Alabama and Sept. 09 @ Mich; Sept. ’10 @ Oakmont/Firestone and Feb. ’11 @ Bay Hill
BOLT…..twice….June 99@ S. Ireland and May 01 Scotland; NO WDI TOURNEYS in 2000 due to WW1; Aug.05 @ Bandon Dunes and May 06 @ Casa de Campo

THE 2013 WDI RYDER CUP AT STREAMSONG

    THE BLUE VS THE RED ( GREY ??????)

BY Wick Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

It was near dusk on a heavily fortified foothill in southern Maryland, near the small town of Antietam on a beautiful fall day in September 1862. Soon this meadow would be the epicenter of the first major battle of the American Civil War. And one of the bloodiest!

The Confederate General staff huddled close in the chilly, fall wind next to the famous Robert E. Lee; waiting for the great man to speak strategically about the upcoming battle……..General Lee was peering through his field binoculars,  let out a sigh,  put down the field glasses and turned to his Chief of Staff General Stonewall Jackson. ” General,” said Lee. “Why in the fuck did we get grey……did they pick first and choose blue……. but,why grey? I wanted red. Just like those splendid Redcoats back in 1776.”

Stonewall, cleared his throat, then replied rather meekly, “Bobby, they chose blue first, but I thought you liked grey…….hell, your hair and beard is grey…….it goes well with your uniform. I think red is over the top”. “Whatever,” replied Lee.

And so, it has come to pass that for the inaugaural WDI Ryder Cup, it is only fitting that the colors are blue and red, just like Bobby Lee wanted it!!!!!!

With this historical backdrop, the Selection Committee met in “open” session much to the delight of the media, press, ESPN, young punks, horny teen-age babes and other interested observers at the Men’s Grill last week. Their job—to pick the teams for the upcoming Streamsong WDI.

Located only 45 minutes from Tampa, it opened it’s doors last week. Already, in many golf magazines, it is being lauded as the Best New U.S. Courses to play in 2013. ( see Golf Magazine…Dec. 2012 edition ) The Red Course, designed by Crenshaw/Coore was picked by a whisker, as the better course, over the Blue Course designed by Tom Doak. You remember them? They were the architects of widely acclaimed Bandon Dunes near Bend, Oregon.

Accolades have to heaped upon the rather small back and smelly armpits of Commissioner Kapalua, who befriended a down and out friend, Kevin Probst ( his former limo driver, who recently was on hard times ). Introducing him to influential power grabbers and golf affectienados, he turned that kind gesture into the Golf Sales Manager at Streamsong. Returning the favor, Probst invited the WDI to his newly touted Resort. ” I trust you Kap, but having seen and talked with some of your group, could they stay in their rooms after they finish their round. I’m concerned about being seen with them,” asked the Kevster.” Especially, the guy who keeps on yelling, Sit on this Fat Hog”……………………..

Back to Selection Night, as it was called. No there was no Obama/Romney sightings. I said Selection night. Selecting for the Red Team in Tampa, was the combative Duke of Eric, known for his xxx-rated vocabulary, but a 4-time WDI Champ and  hard-nosed veteran of the WDI. Selecting for the Blue Team at Snoot West in Aspen, Colorado, was Jake the Snake….a past 2-time winner who was currently skiing and spending lots of Snoot’s money at the Snoot Chateau. He was present via live hook-up.

Here are the two teams with a little bio of each player:First the BLUE Team.

CHICK GARCIA…aka, the Cuban Midget. Often seen hanging around the hors d’ouvers table at any club he can sneak into. As a low handicapper, he COULD be da man on Singles Sunday, depending where Captain Snake puts him. Being in the middle of nowhere in Redneck country could send the Chickmunk into a depressing state, however…..has to have Cuban food, especially Mom’s piccadillo daily.And Rednecks like to shoot Cubans in that neck of the woods.

KLUZSTER…..Currently, the Raining Champ from the November Innisbrook WDI. Known to fall apart like a Men’s Sportcoat at the Men’s Warehouse….he held on to a rather large lead on Sunday and showed he may be hard to beat. He did beat off, so to speak, the other challengers at Innisbrook, much to their chagrin.

FISH…the large Tilapia is having a good run this fall, with his game and handicap coming around. He could be the swing-man(fish ) for the Red Team. If he’s off……cut him up and feed him to his relatives.

BOYNIE….Another has-been. Was a sentimental pick by the Snake. ” Do I have to take 5, why can’t I just take 4?”said the Snake. Actually, Boynie has been playing a lot better and has seen his handicap plummet from 25 to 24 in recent months. Actually, Boynie shares Most 2d place finishes in past WDIs with 3 other players. Never count the Boynmeister out!!!!!!!

SNOOT….picked last, by an oversight, by his stepson, Snoot replied, “You’d better be out of Snoot Chateau in Aspen by tonite, you little fucker. I’m coming after your ass. Already tension on the Blue team. When asked of his team’s chances, Snoot said, ” That Red team is going get the case of the red-ass after I’m through with them. They are dead meat.” He’s still pissed off…..watch out for the Snoot-Dog when he’s pissed.

And now the Red Team:

KAPAFUCKINGLUA……”Yes, yes, I know….as your fearless leader, I can ONLY be on one team….and it’s going to be the WINNING team. I’d rather be Red than Dead… But I aint no Commie.” And finally, a last quote from the Great One…..” The Blue team name is gonna be changed to Black and Blue when we done with those MOFOS”

NECK…..on injured reserve for most of 2012, he vows to be back in time for the February match. After hearing comments from the Blue team members on how they want to face the aging, rather old and homely Neck on Singles Sunday….the Neck said, ” Boys, stand by. I don’t recommend they spend their Xmas or Hanukah money, because I’m looking forward to some of their action.

BRONECK….” Thanks for the selection, Duke. Not only am I reunited with my baby brother, but also with some of the best players the WDI has seen. As I said as a Captain for American Airlines for many years, to the plane load of passengers before we took off…….Hang on to your seats MOFOs, we’re in for a WILD ride”

JOEBABBO…..”Looks like it’s the Axis Powers versus the Dildos. All I can say is: GAME OVER. I’m personally gonna splash some of my tasty RED spaghetti sauce on Chick’s nice, BLUE shirt AND a meatball on his head.” Looks like  a fired-up Joebob…..and you know what they say, A fired up Joebob is, well……………..fired up.

SNOOT JUNIOR ( ALAN MCNULTY ) The Duke, in a stunning chess-like move picked Snoot Jr. to further divide the Blue team. DUKe…..” Now it’s personal for those schmoos….their team is divided and emotionally drained.” They don’t know what the fuck to do. Replied a normally reserved Snoot Jr…..”Let’s get those RAT BASTARDS.” To which his daddy, Snoot, retorted, ” I know who your momma is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well there you have it sportsfans, boys and girls, and perverts everywhere. As Julius Ceasar once said, ” The die is cast and we will kill the Blue Team”. See you at Streamsong in Feb. 2013!!!!

Yours in golf,

Wick E. Wiley – ESPN Sports Guru

( Due to the many issues surrounding the 2012 WDI at Innisbrook….3 major stories/issues are headlined below. Thank you for your patience and understanding)

NOV 2012 WDI @ INNISBROOK
( in order of importance )

THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ONCE GREAT SNOOT DOGGY DOG…………THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF THE BRONECK………..CRAZED CZECH CLUZ CLOBBERS CHUMPS AT COPPERHEAD
By Wick Wiley, Senior Sports Editor ESPN

The patrol cars were out by early dawn……the large search parties also SPREAD out all across Collier County, checking all dumpsites, lakes and thick wooded areas. The crackling of police radios with APBs alerted every swinging police dick of the disappearance of a VIB….very important Broneck.

One by one, on Friday morning the tips came in: Broneck was seen hawking “hooters” at a Palm Beach “Hooters”; someone saw him getting a lap dance at Mons Venus in Tampa; and another had him flying as a co-pilot on a suspected drug smuggling op out of Colombia. ERGO The question on DAY ONE at the 64th WDI Tourney in beautiful Innisbrook was ” Where the fuck is Broneck?” ( Actually it was also the question on DAY 2 and DAY 3 as well )

His mysterious disappearance and the injured reserve staus of his brother, Little Clam Neck, were the biggest pre-tournament stories of this past week. Overshadowing, so it seemed the great play of the Crazed Czech Cluz, as well as the play of the other schmoos, in this last Major of the Year.

Of course, the Snoot-Dog would have loved no reporters/photographers to be in his vicinity on the final day. NO ONE, in a range of 250 yards in ALL directions was safe from this now fading, former WDI star. For instance, if he was teeing off on No. 1…..golfers on 10 tee; cart cracks on #2 fairway; waiters in Packard’s fine restaurant; joggers running near the 10th green on the Island Course and birds and small animals everywhere were in imminent danger!!!

Slicing and dicing his way to a front nine 53, he did manage to right the ship on the back for a 41 ( 94 ). But the damage had been done. Snooter went from near contention in 3rd place to being very contentious, and out of the tournament and in 5th place. PER QUA??? No one really knows——-was it the 4 grande triple espressos, no foam ( hold the mayo ) he quaffed down every morning OR was it the poisonous venom ( aka Kettle One ) made with Bloody Mary mix, Cranberry juice or hell, just straight OR simply put, was it a brain fart—that non-smelly, yet lethal loss of ALL athletic functions when it comes to swinging a large club-like object at a small white ball. NO ONE KNOWS ( but it could be all 3 )

Kluz was “happy as a pig in shit” that the media/press was focusing their energies to a missing Broneck and Snoot’s missing swing. He quietly posted an 88 on Thursday afternoon, good enough for a 1st round lead tied with the Floundering Grouper @ -3; then kept his position on the lead through the weekend even with uncharacteristic bad slices, poor chipping and lousy putting ( WTF…..HE WON ???? ) to an overall victory at -1.

Tilapia-Man couldn’t sustain his start…..as he fell to 2d on Friday at the Island and then, his gills full of Cakebread Cab, ruptured on the South Course ( 101) sending him free-falling to 5th place and out of contention as well. He recovered on Sunday to shoot 89, and come in 4th place…..he also won the 2MAN ALL WEEK bet with Kluz. Angry fans were yelling….. Charlie—–you big Tuna!!!!

And what about the pre-tourney favorites: Chickamauga and that good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua? Kap started out of the gate, quickly, which is his M. O., with a 86 and (-4 ) tied for 2d with Snooter. But feeling the repercussions of eating 13 ganja-laced brownies, he imploded on Friday……shooting 95 and sending shock waves to his many fans and fannies. Young, tasty t-backed, teens were tearing up w/ purple -stained mascara running down their cheeks. Kap, however, found his game ( laddie ) on the weekend and shot 84–84 to come in 3rd, one shot behind the Chickmunk.

The Chickmunk, however, dug himself a deep hole ( that he couldn’t climb out of…..being only 4 foot 1)…… with a 85 on Thursday and was last at -8. But,after a sterling 75 on the South Course on Saturday, he was inching up the leaderboard and was only 5 stokes back of Kluz in 2d place going into the finale on Sunday. Lack of stamina caused by 3 sleepless nites, thanks to Snoot’s snoring, nightmares consisting of astronauts smothering him and lack of consistent play on Sunday at Copper doomed his chances…..as he wound up 2nd… seven strokes back of Kluz.

He immediately left the course POed….bypassing the trophy presentation clusterfuck on the 18th green and headed for the nearest Olive Garden, to 1. drown his sorrows with a couple strong Arnold Palmers and 2. get the Early Bird Special for Seniors.( the poor guy has to eat earlier than Neck )

P.F. Chang ( aka Paul Par ) was vying to become 2012 Rookie of the Year, but tried a little bit too hard and took way too many catcalls from the gallery for General Zuos Chicken, which really pissed him off. This writer thinks that the episode of him going into the crowd at 17th green with his 6 iron, probably blew his chances for the award. Or was it due to too many Gran Mariners?????

Joebabbo, actually got of to a semi- good start on Thursday with an 90 for a -5 and 3rd place. But after being informed that NO Eyetalian food would be served for Thursday nites dinner…..he became belligerent; then irritable; then utterly disconsolate. His score on the Islands Course on Friday ( 105 ) reflected his mood; destroyed his confidence and he limped in at 6th place with a -23 overall. Even spooning with his roomie, Kapalua, couldn’t cheer him up!!

The Kluzster was basking in the limelight of his 2nd consecutive WDI victory answering questions by sportswriter, celebrities and bimbos and pretty much becoming everyone’s NEW bestest friend. ALL the companies were there fawning all over him with new endorsements: Nike, Callaway, Trojan, Viagra, 2 Gay Men and a Truck and AA.

“Excuse me Johnny Boy, ” ( you know after Johnny Football ) said the buxom blonde babe from the Golf Channel, “Can you 3-peat at Streamsong next year?” “Are you kidding me, ” laughed Kluz, “those schmoos are dead meat! I’m going for history, baby!!!”

A slumped over Snoot-Dog, hurriedly walked to his ’96 VW Jetta ( his sponsors had quickly repossessed his nice new Jeep, after he 3-putted 18 ) leering at the masses surrounding Glamor-Boy Kluz, as he jealously called him…….and winced. Then he yelled to the crowd…and as they turned to face him, Snoot took his broken putter, mimicked masterbating it and shot a big wad of flem from his mouth….And said, “SIT ON THIS BIG FAT HOG, YOU MOFOS ”

As Snoot sped out of Innisbrook, followed closely by 6 Innisbrook Security vehicles and 5 Pinellas County Impound vans……no one noticed a short, elderly Germanic man wearing a faded yellow WDI cap, walking through the Innisbrook gate, carrying his sticks and looking thoroughly fatigued. He also looked remarkably like a Nuechterlein…………………………..

Yours in Sports,

Wick E. Wiley

P.S. See you all at Streamsong on Feb. 7, 2013 for the 1st Major of 2013….and toasting Honorary WDI member Kevin Probst. No one has WON 3 in a row. Can Kluz do it? Past history has shown 5 players w/consecutive victories…..but no 3-peat. BOLT did it twice in 99 ( Ireland) and 01 Scotland ( No tourney in 00 due to WWII ) and 05 Bandon Dunes and 06 Casa de Campo. KAPALUA in 06 Michigan and 07 Pinehurst; FISH 08 Bay Hill and Southern Hills, Tulsa and THE DUKE 09 Alabama and MIchigan. And of course Kluz.

FINAL TALLY
1. KLUZ……89..87..87..88 -1
2. CHICK….86..85..75..82 -8
3. KAPALUA. 86..95..84..84 -9
4. FISH ……..92..92..101..89 -13
5. SNOOT…86..93..83..96 -17
6. JOEBOB.90..105..86..96 -23
7. PAUL PAR.95..99..95..97 -25
8. BRONECK …………….86 DQed

2MAN ALL WEEK
1. FISH AND KLUZ…..-20
2. kAP AND SNOOT…-25
3. CHICK AND JOEBOB..-29
4. FLYNN AND BRONECK…-35

Well sports fans and kids of all ages, on Thursday, June 20 the 5th Annual Snoot 2012 Father-Son Invitational got off to a fast start at its Kick-Off dinner at world-renowned Birmingham, Ala. restaurant Hot and Hot Fish Club ( Voted the the James Beard Award as the South’s BEST restaurant and probably MOST expensive ) before traveling down I-20 to beautiful, bucolic Sylacauga, Ala. and The Farm Links Golf Mecca. ONLY 16 semi-professionals ( out of the 24 special invitees ), including non-players Buzz and Steever ( honest folks, these were their real names ) Flanagan from nearby Noonan, Georgia, ( can’t figure out why they had to drive 180 miles round-trip to get fleeced ) showed up and were treated/hoodwinked by this infamous BHAM restaurant at ONLY….$300 per person. Hell, some of the lads ran out of spending money BEFORE the tournament started! But, isn’t this a mulligan of Morton’s in Atlanta ( scene of Snoot 1 ) 5 years ago?

The other 5 strike-replacement players/golfers/invitees ( Jake’s buds) who drove down from Atlanta, were actually down the street from Hot and Hot, at a neighorhood Subway’s quaffing down a couple of bud-lites with their foot long dog……..they actually SAVED $290 fricking dollars!

A little history of this tourney is in order……….due to the Great Recession: Snoot 1 was in Atlanta at lovely Cherokee C C and Bear’s Best; Snoots’s 2, 3 and 4 were great successes, but ONLY 1 day events at lovely Palma Ceia C C and nearby Feather Sound with tasty and delectable steak dinners at Kaplaua’s home afterward. The Executive Committee met and felt an out-of-town experience was, once again, in order for SNOOT V.

And what an experience it was for Dads and lads from Hot and Hot to Sausage Links and the gorgeous Parker Lodge, scene of the festivities. Golf, drinks, cigars and food galore for 2 days and 2 nights…….chefs cooking delicious dinners in the Lodge’s massive dining hall and Hot and Cold running maids taking care of your every need ( well, almost every need ) And if you were LUCKY, a little snuggling with the otters, foxes, bears and beavers hanging out in the lodge as well. More about this later…………..

However, due to the mass exodus of most of the original Eyetalian Squad, Capt. Kapalua, the steely-eyed Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Italian of questionable descent lobbied with his opponent/cohort, Snoot Doggy Dog for a new and interesting format. It seems that the Battling Aglianos, the Maddog Mudanos, the One-Eyed Duke of Capri and the Greaseball Martinos went to the mattresses due to FAMILY problems and were indisposed. The Cohen Clan were busy making NO COUNTRY FOR OLD FUCKERS TWO. That left stalwart Sicilians: the Pistol Whipping “BOB” family of Joebob and Robbob Pesce; little Stevie Sideburns and Kapalua’s two top capos: Ryan “Hitman” Cappy and Baby Bro Joey ” Blue Eyes” Cappy from the Lasagna clan.

Some of Snooter’s original squad were also AWOL: Tough Tommy Crozier; soon to be ex-son-law Jeff Hayden; Sam the Sham Duffey( the Pharoahs were also missing ) and his son-in-law, JS Gaston and 2 Birdies Billy Boy. Sam the Sham/JS had a family tragedy to deal with in Sarasota, but promised to be back next year, if they are not expelled. Sooooooooo, to fill the gap, many Hotlantans were recruited by Scottish henchman Jake ‘The Snake’, whose handicaps were somewhat suspect and downright ‘iffy’.

The new format was simple: everyone who hadn’t ever played golf with Snoot, but said they heard of him being beaten in Junior golf by Lanny Wadkins in 1964, AND bought Snoot a nice martini and a sleeve of Titliest Pro V-1s were either given a 28 or 35 handicap, depending on Snoot’s sobriety at that moment. Can you say ‘graft’? Virtual unknown and Top Sandbagger of the Tooonamint, Chuckling Chuck Hicks, was given a 35 cap and CHUCKLED all the way to a +8 and +5 in his two rounds AND won $$$$$$$$$ both days! Hmmmmmmmmm

Word is that he played like the poster child for Ray-Ray Golf…….9 holes like Ray Floyd and 9 holes like Ray Charles!!!!!! Actually, the snake, worm and small animal population were afraid to come out in the open on both Friday and Saturday when the CHUCKLER was slashing and dashing down the once, beautifully manicured fairways. Actually, once the tourney started EVERY STAFF member was nowhere to be seen, especially the cart cracks….they apparently heard of the 4-cart crack-up on Friday primarily occasioned by The Snake trying to see whose cart can get down faster from the top of 5 tee. He blasted into his buddy, Matt Strength’s cart, in an effort to see who was tougher. This bold, brash act ONLY cost Jake $2,000. ( Maybe we won’t be invited back? )

Newcomers and 28 ‘cappers’, Bill and Matt Josey lamented to Snoot that while he hadn’t played golf since the Eisenhower years…..his son hadn’t broken 100 at the tight, new confines of Palma Ceia. However, one source told this reporter, that the Josey’s were seen supplying Snooter with several ‘new’ 58 and 56 degree wedges and several ‘boxes’ of new Titliest V-1s. And wouldn’t you know it……both of them played outstanding, especially Matt who shot 78..75. And winning $$$$$$$$$$$. ( well he was also the Treasurer ) Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Veteran WDIers also joined the group as first-timers……..Boynie Stein, past WDI Champ at Torrey Pines in 1947, played steady golf with his life partner/son-in-law, Goldilocks ( a Chicogoan born and Missouri bred gent, who kept yelling SEC…..SEC…..SEC.) Word on the street was that there was a one-for-one trade and that Goldilocks name change to Stein will be forth coming shortly. And how could you miss Sellers Gaunt, the elderly, malnourished man from PC, who couldn’t remember a damn thing about the weekend……the maid staff found him wrapped around the stuffed beaver downstairs in the TV room……..naked, both nights.

From Hotlanta, rookies: Brent Strength ( one weak-bodied looking MOFO, you know the guy at the beach you kick sand in his face and steal his Cokes/shirt/pants. ) Ronny “Roadkill ” Armadillo; Mean Mike Bartlett; Dirty Dave Black…a Bobby Weed impostor and Bill”2Steps” Deehan…who when he walked, always looked like he was walking up a flight of stairs. BUT, you couldn’t hold the SNOOT…….WITHOUT THE …..SNOOT and his immediate Tartan-flavored Scottish clan……of course, Jake “The Snake” Nellis; son Brian “The Big Nasty” Mac; nephew Weak Willie Mac ( I can hook it OR shank it…You call it! ) and future heir Alan “Snoot Junior” Mac from Charlotte, N.C.

When ALL was said and done ( and there was a lot said ), it was another fabilous success and a Toonamint like no others ( actually, it was a LOT like the 38 past WDI tournaments…too much wine, booze, cigars, golf and laughter) and one that could be repeated at SausageVille, Ala in the Spring or Fall ( assuming we are able to get loans from our respective banks and asuming that Jake pays the cart’s repairs )). New acquaintenances were made; old friendships renewed and the Father-Son, Stepson, Son-in-law bonding was penultimate!

See you at the next Snoot in 2013,
Wick Wiley, ESPN Sports Dudeb

87, 87, 87 Kapalua, how would you assess your play?
KAP: Probably, consistently consistent…wouldn’t you agree, you moron!

WICK: Chick Garcia, short, talented, homely, but of Cuban heritage. And, you lack range of motion……..
CHICK: Bend over asshole, I’ll show you range of motion!!!!

WICK: They now call Palma Ceia, “The Sands of Iwo Jima” known for sand, brutality and heroism. Any rebuttal boys?
KAP: The sand killed me on Friday…..I was sitting on a 79, if I parred out. Only had 11, 12, 13 and 14 left…..then went triple, triple, par and double. OUCH!
CHICK: I had bad lies on 9 and 16 also, on consecutive days, which led to 2 triples. WOW

WICK: Kap, I heard rumors that you were shoving everything right on Thursdays scramble. Did you get any advice on correcting that?
CHICK: Yeah, he did. I told him to sleep on his left side and tape a brick to his left ankle!
WICK: Did it work Kap?
KAP: No, but I cold-cocked my girlfriend and her pussy( cat) in the middle of the night.

WICK: Why didn’t more of the WDIers play in this tourney?
KAP: Well, besides the fact that they suck…….Duke was in a Dubai sand storm and could’t leave; Jumpin Johnny Kluzek was participating in a ticker-tape parade in his native city of Budapest; Sam the Sham was back in Egypt; Joebob was out of sorts AND
CHICK: Snooter was busy filming a golf love story; Fish and Stein weren’t invited.

WICK: Chick, what really happened in Orlando? Someone called you a quitter and a girly boy, because you voted NOT to play the final round at Bay Hill in minus 20 degree weather?
CHICK: Look Dingola Brain, I was in 4th place w/ one round to go…I could have beat those puds. But, Kluz and Joebob opted not to play…pansies!!!!
KAP: ( rolling his eyes )

WICK: Chick, what advice would you give me( after watching a practice swing )
CHICK: Wick, I would rotate your underwear and take a long soak in a Raid bath……cut off both wrists and take up bowling!!!!
WICK: Fuck you, little man.
KAP: Guys, guys, hey settle down ( getting in between both men )

WICK: Ok, ok I don’t have to take this shit from you has-beens…..
CHICK: Who you calling has beens ( gets red-faced )
KAP: I think he’s talking about you Chickamauga…..go get him!!! ( Wick leaves studio at Golf Channel being chased by a short white-haired balding gent, who is yelling, I’ll kill you MOFO)

INTERVIEW CONCLUDED….I GUESS

The WDI boys summed up this tournament quite historically——–it felt like Napolean’s march into Russia in 1812 OR Hitler’s blitzkrieg into Stalingrad in 1940. REASON? Well, within a 24 hour period, Mother Nature did a number on the 47th WDI Tourney in Orlando, like it did on the French and Germans back in the day. From short-sleeved and shorts on a sun-kissed 85 degree Friday to a 33 degree frozen/frigid Sunday, the cold weather caught the WDI lads uncharacteristically unprepared and unhappy.

Gazing out of Room 303 at comfortable and plush Bay Hill, all Snooter could see was glistening white snow and a group of downhill skiers strolling past his window. ” Good Lord Chick,” exclaimed Snoot, ” I didn’t bring my skiboots or skis with me on this trip.” To which Chick Filet, his roommate replied quite sardonically, “Are you fucking nuts, dingola brain……we’re not in Aspen Dorothy—-we’re in Orlando, Fla.”

But for Johnny “The Crazed Czech” Kluzek, it couldn’t have come at a more opportune moment. His motto for the week…..SEIZE THE DAY—-SEIZE THE SNATCH worked out to fruition. Secretly planning this move, ever since he lost the lead and ultimately the tournament on the 18th hole at Old Overton in Alabama last year; his plan was bold and imaginative!

First, he had to make the schmoos believe ( and they would ), he “accidentally” left his clothes/warddrobe back in Tampa——so he would have to drive back and “SHACK UP” with the beautiful Becky Beaver.( in order to reduce stress and sperm count ) and play more betterer. And he did @ Bonefish Restaurant—-he got ( her ) fish AND she got ( his ) bone!!!!!

After all, he had shot a blistering 1st round score of 96 at Grand Cypress and was tied for LAST place. He had to do something quick because…………….JoeBabbo, the Italian Scallion, had leapt like a bobcat, out of the gates at Grand Cypress for the first 2 rounds, shooting 87–83 to lead the Tournament by 7 shots at +9 over a fast-closing trio that included good-looking, sweet swinging PR Hawaiian Kapalua at +2, Two-time winner Jake the Snake at +1 and Rookie of the Year candidate, the ageless Chick Filet ( Hold the Mayo ) at -1. Everyone else sucked hind tit ( and this from a field of 12 players )

While everybody felt fatigued, listless, hungover, gassy, horny and irritable…..plans to go to the Orlando Playboy Club fizzled out due to the fact that ALL these old farts were fast asleep at 9:45 pm AND the fact that the Playboy Club had been closed since 1985. All were sleeping except, the Cheating Czech. He had climbed out of his window, drove to Tampa again and partied with the tasty Miss Beaver. And he got back to Orlando in time for the late morning tee-time……….

Back to the Tourney…….Fish, was out of water and flopping around with large, glassy eyes; Neck, recovering from too many ‘nice’ martinis at Il Mulino and Vines Grille, had his mind on work matters, lost interest and fell from grace; Snootdog’s hearing in his right ear was gone, probably due due to roommate Chick Filet’s ( aka Chick Sansone ) incessant and non-sensical chatter over the past 2 days; Sam the Sham was just LOST without his Pharoahs ( more trouble in Cairo necessitated their departure ); Boynie’s gyro fell out of his ass, broke and had to be repaired, causing irreparable delay and the 3-1 favorite, The Duke of Dubai, had just gotten off a 7-hour Skpe phone call from his Russian princess, looking like a deer in the headlights. ( WHAT IS THIS WDI THAT YOU SPEAK OF ? ) He needed a sharp razor or a large bottle of Russian imported Vodka, which he quickly found.

Day 3 at formidable Bay Hill was just that……but add to to it, 20-25mph winds and a much cooler temp. The Nor’easter was coming and the boys were KLULESS; except for the calcuating KLUZSTER who had befriended a gorgeous Weather Channel toot, who was sending him hourly weather reports. ( How did he get all this extra time?) He KNEW what was coming. Sooo, he played tough Bay Hill like a Pro ( well almost like an old washed up caddie ) He said, ” I know Bay Hill like the back of my PENIS, so I picked my landing spots, made the putts and VOILA!!!!!

Alas, the tough course and blustery winds on Saturday ( moving day) took its toll on the leaders……..Joebob fell apart like a Sports coat, 2 suits and a dozen shirts from the Men’s Warehouse, shooting 98 and fell 11 strokes down to -2. SteveO, Fish and the Shamster ALL hit the century mark—106, 103 and 103;Snooter and Boynie shot in the high 90s; Duke and The Snake in the mid-80s.

But, Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging PR Hawaiian, showed his grittiness and veteran savvy, by shooting 89 and managed to come in at -4, 2 behind roomie Joebob. Chickamauga also steadied his play with an 85 and was 3rd ( in the clubhouse ) at -5. ( one behind his idol and Cuban baseball trip roomie Kapalua ) The Snake managed to crawl in at -6 and Boynie ( his gyro had been fixed ) at -7. It would be a tight, taut, tintillating finish going into the FINAL round on Sunday with high expectations and an exciting conclusion.

Except STROIKA KEVKO ( loosely translated as SHIT ) HAPPENEND!!!! Yeah, that Clever Czech Kluz, who was the recipient of a pre-game BJ by the dazzling Miss Beaver ( or maybe the weather girl ) had other ideas. Says his roomie The Neck, ” I thought I heard the faint sound of a young women’s voice and then gurgling, emanting from the bathroom; but when I looked over to Kluz’s bed, I thought I saw the big gimmokes outline.” But the Crafty Czech Kluz, taking something out of an old Clint Eastwood movie, “Escape From Alcatraz” was laughing inwardly and outwardly at the dishevled Neck as he got his tubes cleaned for the 3rd time in as many nights……..and proved to be Strong Like Bull and ‘spermfree’.

You see, the Chiseling Czech then shot 87 and finished the 3rd round…. 1 shot AHEAD of Joebob with one round to play. HE HAD COME BACK FROM LAST PLACE TO FIRST IN 3 ROUNDS!! It was ANYBODY’S trophy to take home on Sunday with 7 players within 6 shots of the lead. Anything could happen…..we all know what happened in Alabama lastyear……who would get hot…would not. What a finish…… But it was not to be…………

Because of the inclement weather and the fact that NOONE brought long pants or long sleeves, The Executive Committee met simultaneously with The Expulsion Committee in Super Secret Emergency Session and declared: 1) That the Chickster had enough votes to rescue him from expulsion ( the vote was 1-0 ( his ) and 11 abstentions ) and 2) The 47th WDI Tourney would be shortened to 54 holes. That meant the Aluminum cup would go to the Corrupt Czech Kluz. Oh, and they issued one more caveat….DONT DO IT DUKE……DON”T GO TO DUBAI. ( he went anyway )

His eyes moist with emotion, his voice trembling and trying like hell, to be as humble as he could, the Crooked Czech accepted the trophy from Commissioner Kapalua turned to the pissed-off unruly crowd,,,cameras and ESPN commentators, pointed to his fellow WDIers and yelled….” CZECHMATE MOFOS!!!!!!!!

Congrats to the 2012 Orlando Champ—-the Kluzster************ ( w/asteriks )

Yours in Sports,
Wick E. Wiley

SCORES GR CYPRESS BAY HILL
1. KLUZ———–96——–84———–87
2. JOEBOB——87——–83———–98
3.KAPALUA—–87——–81———–89
4. CHICK———81———80———–85
5. JAKE———–78———77———-85
6. BOYNIE——-93———90———-97
7. NECK———-88———90———–89
8. DUKE———-79———75———–86
9. SNOOT——–86———82———–95
10. STEVEO—-85———91———-106
11. FISH———-98———88———-103
12. SAM———-99———99———-103

TWO-MAN TEAM

KLUZ/CHICK———- -6
DUKE/BOYNIE—— -19
JOEBOB/SNOOT—- -21
KAPALUA/FISH—— -26
JAKE/STEVEO—— -28
DUKE/SAM———– -39

It was early Monday morning on the Mediterraen Sea outside of Portofino, Italy. The super yacht, HONEY BADGER, bobbed lazily on the sparkling azure water—sea gulls floated effortlessly on the cool, crisp wind over the boat and the air tasted like a fresh cup of java—-and that’s just what the bronze-faced fat man had for breakfast—a double grande capuccino along with his two perfectly poached eggs and one thin slice of whole wheat toast.

Then he received the CALL–from his Las Vegas office which ruined his morning and perhaps changed his life forever! The caller told Jimmy the Geek that someone had placed a 1k bet on that washed-up Kraut–THE NECK, at Kiawah with the odds at 3 trillion ton one—-AND WON!!!!!! DISASTER!!! WTF!!!! How could this happen? He hadn’t won SQUAT since Pinehurst in 1997!!

Speaking of SQUAT—that’s just what the short, homely, SQUAT Kraut did—much to the chagrin of the other WDI competitors. It was vintage Tom Watson in 2010 at the British Open–ONLY this time the veteran WDIer closed the deal in stirring fashion. But, it didn’t start out that way. First of all, pre-tourney favorite, the Duke, had just been KOed in the crotch by his soon-to-be ex-Sexretary, Shady Shannon O’Toole, days before the tournament and had left Tampa with ALL the Duke’s charge cards and bank account numbers. Can you say SCREWED? Duke put out an APB and then had no choice to WD from the WDI. ( His associate, Stevie Sideberns suited up for play immediately and left for Charleston as the Duke’s sub )

That left the toilet door open, so to speak, for the Kluzster ( 2011 Rookie of the Year ) and 7-1 odds favorite and 4-time Chump, I mean Champ….Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican Hawaiian. However, Kluz, a fan favorite in his native Hungary, apparently wasn’t HUNGRY enough to vie for the title. After his surprise second place finish in the Birmingham WDI in May of this year, all the calls for interviews by Golf Channel, ESPN Live, NBC, CBS and all the talk shows especially Johnny Carson, had sapped his strength—and he never recovered.

Kapalua, the cagey vet, smelled victory in the air ( or was it gas from his roomie Joe Bob ) and immediately made the most of it—-shooting 84 ( on the famed Ocean Course ) and 84 ( Osprey Point ) to lead the 30th WDI after both the first and second rounds at +2. Close BEHIND his BEHIND in second place was the Duke’s sub, Stevie Sideberns at -1…..and tied for third were the Germanic Neck Brothers at -6.

Boynie, after a horrendous start ( 98-96 ) was 6th after 2 rounds, Joebob ( 95-98 )..7th and in last place was the frickin’ Snoot Doggy Dog ( 83-96 ) who simply said, ” I don’t give a shit, if I’m in last.” ( sounds suspiciously like the Honey Badger ) Things looked doubtful for the other 7 schmoos as Kapalua was in OVERDRIVE –hitting fairways and greens in the howling winds of Kiawah; laughing out loud at errant shots by Snoot, Neck and Boynie ( YOU GUYS SUCK ) and quaffing down generous amounts of $250 Silver Oak Cabernets at dinner. WHEN, all of a sudden on Day 3 at Turtle Point, just as ol Kapalua was ready to extend his lead and DOMINATE—SHIT HAPPENED!

According to this reporter, who caught wind of a conspiratorial story coming out of those plush Kiawah villas—–while it wasn’t like the Lincoln conspiracy, it was CLOSE!! You see, on the evening before DAY 3 at beautiful Jasmine Porch restaurant while eating low-country blue crab chowder, shrimp and grits, pan-seared Wreckfish and cauliflower fritters with spicy vidalia onion aioli, Snoot and Attorney Nuechterlein conspired to take down the Kapster. Added Joebob, ” I went to the bathroom during the meal and overhead what sounded like Snoot and Attorney Nuechterlein in one of the stalls exchanging money—-I thought it was related to a upcoming lawsuit, but then again it could’ve been for other services!” UGH!!

Whatever! Together they filed 2 lawsuits–AT DINNER– one lawsuit was to “directly implicate Kapalua in a handicap-shaving scheme in order to undermine his effectiveness” and the 2d lawsuit added Joebob and SteveO, villa roomies—“for intentionally causing irreparable harm and shame, disrupting his ( Snoot’s ) ability to enjoy himself and play competitive golf by SHOVING Snoot into the tiniest bedroom in Villa Italiano.”

How small was it? Well, no one could quite figure out how they managed to place a BED in that broom closet, ah room. But, hey, it wasn’t all that bad: Snoot could sit on the john and 1) brush his teeth 2) take a shower 3) turn on the TV and 4) phone a friend. ( That was moot since he don’t have no friends)

Well, it seems like the legal wranglings eventually took a mental toll on ol Kapalua with” all that hollering and gesturing about his inlflated handicap and suing and such.” So much so, that Kapalua sliced and diced his way to a 94 ( 4 doubles and 3 triples ) @ Turtle Point, dropping him all the way down to 3rd place at -8, after Day 3.

For Joebob and Kluz and SteveO, it wasn’t the legal process or the Kiawah wind—-it was the combo platter; that is the delicious fare of sauteed scallops in lobster sauce on a bed of arugula and WAY TOO MUCH vino at the Peninsular Grill in Charleston. They ALL limped in with scores in the 90s realizing they were all dead meat! As a result of their dismal showing, many pre-teen European babes, after glimpsing their scores on the leaderboard, quickly left the Island on their way back to Hungary and Italy, respectively: shouting “You guys no good. You lie. You tell us you’re ONLY going to stick the head in……..”

Retorts Kluz, ” All they wanted was a rich golfer to suck money from–now that we’re out of the running, they’re fair-weather fans. Screw them ( that may have already happened ) I don’t give a shit. ” In his very best Honey Badger accent!

Now as Sunday morning ( DAY 4 ) loomed, two aging battle-hardened Krauts ( WW 1 and WW 2 )were poised at the top of the leaderboard–Neck at -2 and Broncek at -4. Born and raised by parents, Adolf and Gertrude Nuechterlein in Berlin, Germany and trained to be top-notch Blue-Max Messerschmidt pilots–nothing, it seemed, could stop the upcoming ” BLITZKRIEG” ! As both veteran lads were reminiscing over their breakfast of hardtack and water, they thought back to their upbringing in Germany in the 30s—their early Wehrmacht training; eating boar and being bored with their pudgy Uncle Herman Goring on hunting trips; playing spin the bottle with Auntie Eva Braun and eating pork and sauerkraut almost nightly. What memories! Could it be a German sweep? JAVOHL!!

Up at 4am on Day 4 at the famed Ocean Course again ( and site of the 2012 PGA ), the lads ran 5.5 meters, did 30 minutes of calisthenics, hit 500 practice balls ( apiece ) and wore identical Teutonic colors— yellow shirts, khaki pants and blue baseball caps with a big yellow M on them. They were ready with Kapalua out of sync and Boynie in his usual funk, to conquer the Island and did. They played flawlessly to a 1—2 finish and completed a German SLam. And the younger Neck brother ( only 68 ) won for the first time in 14 years. Tom Watson would have been proud!

Wick Wiley

P.S. Achtung! Achtung! The Handicap Committee is scheduled to meet in double secret session @ The Breakers in West Palm Beach in January 2012, to discuss handicaps for the next WDI. Included in the agenda, is a certain WDIer, whose name we can’t divulge ( he lives in Michigan ) who DOESN’T have a home handicap. Calls for swift action and possible DQ remedies will be discussed at this meeting. ALL members of Italian heritage are urged to attend.

FINAL SCORE

1. NECK….88-91-84-82 +2
2. BRONECK…89-82-83-88 -9
3. KAPALUA…84-84-94-89 -10
4. BOYNIE…..98-96-91-95 -12
5. STEVEO….90-80-94-93 -17
6. SNOOT……83-96-86-89 -18
7. KLUZ………91-95-95-101 -27
8. JOEBOB….95-98-96-105 -30

Well, the old dog can still hunt! Yes, folks old Prezcap demonstrated that at age 77, there is still fight in the old Mutt. Prezcap entered a two day Senior Men’s Tournament for players over 50 years of age. His partner was a 65 year old buddy who has the same handicap as Prezcap. Thinking that they would come in last in the 104 member field at Southern Hills Country Club, Prezcap and his buddy The Higger, were as loose as a couple of geese on the make.

The first day they hammed and egged it over 18 holes to a blistering 63, 8 under par. They were in first place in their flight, and were in first place overall. They were stunned. That night over several bottles of Cappy Meritage wine they some how convinced themselves that they could stay ahead of the pack to the finish line.

Well, the pressure got to them. They started to fold like a dirty shirt and go under, when suddenly Prezcap told his partner about the WDI boys and how they rose from the ashes of St. Andrews, watching the flat bellies swill champagne and swore an oath to ‘We Deserve It” and climbed out of the slime to become hero’s in their own minds.

With that shot of spirit, Prezcap and The Higger roared back (well, meowed back) to finish one under for the second day and 9 under for the Tournament at 133. They won their flight, and tied for 3rd Place overall. As they split $1,220, new golf shoes, putters, Crystal Bowls, and a chit for $200 each for use at the Golf Shop they opened another bottle of Cappy Meritage and yelled, We Deserve It!!!

Well, sports fans and boys and girls of all ages, it looks like the current
trend of foreign golfers vying to win the last Major of the year continues.
We’ve got 3 Krauts, 2 Wops, I Mick, 1 Pollock/Czech mix and a Russian Jew?
Who’s it going to be? Their accommodations are as follows: in the Mongrel/Melting
Pot Villa are the Neck bros and Boynie and Kluz……in the Italian Villa are
Kap and Joebabbo and Duke and Snoot. With the help of my good friend Jimmy the Geek, fresh off his Mediterraen cruise, we will attempt to handicap the field for the 45th WDI Championship @ Kiawah. In the words of Brent Nurdberger, it promises to be a dandy!!!!
KLUZ—– 5-1

Pulled a Jason Dufner himself at Birmingham WDI in May of this year and except
for the 2-day suicide watch at Birmingham Memorial Hospital has seemed to
recently snap out of his doldrums. His 10 shot lead with 2 to play leading to
his monumental meltdown could be a WDI record!

But, undergoing a strict regime of psychotherapy under the guidance of the good
doc, James Edgar, ( who has problems of his own ) has him going in the right
direction. Says Kluz, ” I enjoy Dr. Edgar’s soothing advice, except when
he gets pissed and starts waving his .357 Magnum around. ” Just keep the
Zoloft and Ambien and any sharp objects away from the Kluzster and he just may
contend and……win.
SNOOTER—-6-1

What can you say about the Snootdog—-the face of the WDI!!!!! He’s done it
all— co-founder back in ’73; one of the first Major winners; down and out
after years of shitty golf; talked off a ledge in Manhattan ( and Raleigh and
Atlanta ) in 02-03-04; voted “Comeback Player of the Year in 2009 after 2
sterling wins and a 2d; and voted WDI Man of the Decade by his peers ( actually
Joe and Mary Peers ) BTW—that award is still being disputed by
several of the WDI Tour vets…..more on that later.

Lately, commuting between 3 homes in Tampa, Atlanta and Aspen may be
taking its toll on the Snootdog—sapping his strength, so to speak. To which
he replied ” WAT DA BE, WILL BE! ” ( Whatever the fuck that means )
But you can’t count the affable Scot/Irish gent out, UNLESS you can get
him SNOOTFACED!!!!!!!
DUKE—-7-1

A lot of question marks swirl around the big guy from Stuttgart, Germany by way
of Knottingham, England, where he grew up as a privileged child. Thinks
he’s royal and he’s right——-a ROYAL pain in the ass. Some questions
include his health……low back in particular, since he was DUKED out by a
couple of burly bouncers in a Ybor City bar in July. Can he retain the form
that captured 4 Commissioner’s Trophies over a 8  tourney schedule. Some
say, this writer in particular, that he WILL NOT pull off a 5th win,
( a la Tiger ‘s quest to tie Jack ) which would tie him with the Bolt
for most wins in WDI history. One positive for him—-he’s got some downtime
w/Bogey before Kiawah next month.

KAPALUA—-8-1

Since turning the big  six-o, a few years back, the good-looking,
sweet-swinging Peurto Rican Hawaiian has been lighting up Tampa Bay area
courses. However, has been ineffective at closing the deal in the past 10
Majors…..since his last win at Pinehurst in 07. A quick starter out of the
gates, whose mere presence evoked startling gasps and shivers of fear from his
fellow competitors in the past…….he’s not as feared as he used to be.

An anonymous WDI vet ( aka Snootdog ) retorts: ” Kapalua is a GOOD, ( not
great ) Country Club player, BUT he aint no friggin WDI threat ANY-MO. Why
doesn’t he just finish out his playing career at Rocky Point….or the Babe?
”  Touche, Snoot. This reporter would LOVE to be there at the Ocean
Course when they tee it up. Could Snoot’s harsh criticism of the venerable
Kapalua spur him on to greater heights? Or will he fall on his face in a heaping
plate of pasta?
BRONECK—-10-1

Still pissed that Sully Sullenberger got more press for landing the USAir
jet in the river off NYC, than he did after 25 years at
AMERICAN,……….however,his anger management lessons are going great. The
“only” WDI golfer over 80 ……is Father Age catching up with
Broneck. Does he have anything left in his tank? Has retirement softened him
up? Or is he just baiting us….ready to pounce like a “panzer” when
we least expect it?  Tune in to ESPN Esportes @ 4 am on Oct. 13 and find
out if the “The Old Ball Captain ” still has it.

BOYNIE——a trillion to 1 ( US deficit? )

Had a big year in 2011. Lost  110 pounds………how, well he married off
his lovely daughter Lauren to a past and future up and coming
WDIer….Goldeelox!!!!  But, then he gained Number 2 son. However, Mr.
Shankopottomas’s problems are getting worserer. First, it was “Shank
City” within 100 yards of the green………NOW, you’re not safe unless
you stand 10 yards DIRECTLY behind him on ANY shot. May also have to see Dr.
Edgar with Kluz——gotta be a mental thing. Hard to believe he was
Doctor-Lawyer Athlete of the Year in ’81 when he was 50. Oh, and ask Dr. Edgar
for the WDI discount.

JOEBOB—–2trillion to one ( our deficit next year )

Finally got a chance to show off his golfing skills following a 10-month layoff
in May @ Birmingham. Actually, got out of the chute fast with a sizzling front
9….37 with 3 birdies at Old Overton and co-led the tourney after Day One.
But, after a few Jack and Gingers that nite, he faded like a pair of overwashed
bluejeans. Says he will be ready for the howling winds of Kiawah and the
howling snoring of roomie Kapalua. But due to continued swelling and pain in
his right shoulder, he can ONLY SPOON on his left side, which bothers Kapalua,
due to his left shoulder problems. What a bunch of schmoos! His strategy for
the tourney…..stay off the booze and Ambien and he may be a contender!!!!!!!

NECK—-3trillion to one

Written off by renowned sports writers for the past several years, the Neck,
armed and dangerous as ever, has something to prove. And he’s doing it
quietly—–since the Sept. 09 Michigan WDI—he’s finished no lower than 3rd
or 4th in each tourney. Snapped the Neck, ” I’ve been taking a hard,
merciless beating by the press for years, in particular that weally, wiley,
wascal, WILEY. I’m sick and tired of that prick kicking sand in my face,
dadgummitt!”

Says this reporter, YOU THINK THAT SCARES ME???  BRING IT ON , LITTLE MAN!
Looks like fireworks next month…can’t wait to watch it on late nite TV, right after Gunsmoke reruns. And by that time the Neck will be fast asleep.

So there you have it sports fans, an honest evaluation of the somewhat erratic,
dysfunctional group of golfers coming to the beaches of South Carolina. Let’s
see if the GEEK was ‘right on’ with his picks. My pick is that the ONLY War on
the Shore is who’s picking up the drink tab….hah. Oh, that’s right, Denise
and Pete won’t be there.

Yours in golf,

Wick Wiley

P.S. Next year’s venue….either Chicago or Colorado…both of which would be really great!!!! We’re counting on Goldeelox and Bernie to prepare a great rip in Chi-town
AND/OR Kluz/Fish to do the same in Colorado!!!!!!!