JAKE THE SNAKE WIGGLES BY
BRIGGSEY TO WIN
THE 45TH OHIO WDI
AT BRIGGSIDE CC
by Wick E. Wiley
It was a welcome relief—-60-70 degree Ohio weather without humidity, replacing the sweltering inferno of Tampa Bay. Can u imagine sitting around a firepit in Tampa? NO, but the boys sat around one, nightly in OHIO. Five grizzled ‘vets’ of the WDI ( Kapalua, Snooter, Joebob, Boynie and Jakester) had been invited by Briggsey, to play the famous 1921 designed Donald Ross course, BROOKSIDE, ( aka Briggside) in Canton, Ohio, along with bro, Jack and good friend Keith Hiatt. ( Hiatt had to WD at the last minute due to his sister’s wedding the day before…which he had forgotten….too bad! ) BROOKSIDE CC is a grand old Ross design, which features many undulating greens with false fronts and quick as quicksilver. It hosted the 2012 Ohio Amateur, as well as many US Open Sectional Qualifiers in the past. This core of WDIers had played together in NW Ireland ( at Carne, Enniscrone, Connemara, County Sligo and Doonbeg ) in Sept 2008 at the same time as the Great Recession struck the US.
Hedging bets, giving away silver ( dollars ) and digging deep into their pockets in Ireland, set the tone in 08 for many years to come….. back in the Sunshine State and elsewhere when they returned. MELON HEAD, as some golf writers affectionately referred to him, had captured that toonamint with scores in the 70s in all 5 rounds. However, Commissioner Kapalua, had taken away his trophy due to unpublicized bathroom irregularities at various public restrooms in Ireland and wouldn’t elaborate.
Devastated by that decision and pending legal action, Mr. POTATO HEAD started to spiral downward….his golf game in tatters. Failing to make the cut at the El Paso Armadillo Open, Briggsey bottomed out! But in 2015, with help from some friends and Gabriella, he pulled himself together…. went from 10 Vodkas a day to 8, worked out for 10 minutes a week and stopped dating transgenders. As a result, he was fine-tuned for the OHIO WDI in 2017.
But lurking in the shadows was a fine-tuned KAPALUA. Having led the Austin WDI on DAY 2 in April 2017, all the way to a convincing victory for an All-time WDI record 7 wins, he was uncharacteristically over confident. ” I’m taking the Ohio Buckeye WDI, just like the GATORS did in 06 baby!” Ahem, even though he shot in the high 80’s in Canton, he went from FIRST to WORST, and for the 1st time ever, finished last! OUCH!
JOEBOB, who had tied Kapalua for 1st place in Scotland last August, in the Father-Son WDI, had fallen off the cart with his golf game soon thereafter, but managed to right the ship in recent months at Palma Ceia. He was battle-tested and confident in his game , even though he would be rooming alone and not able to ‘spoon’ with perennial roomie Kap. BOYNIE, now playing at a 20 CAP ( GASP) and berated by other WDIers on a daily basis for it, and rightly so…….had also staged a small comeback from a 21 and had his eyes set on another WDI Championship! He was going back to Buckeye Country, where he had matriculated back in the 40’s.
JACK BRIGGS, aka Humpty in Ireland, was a solid 9-10, drank good whiskey, smoked Cuban cigars and was a neat fit-in to the WDI mode, which was……… drinking whiskey, smoking Cuban cigars and oh, eating gourmet meals. Plus, he was a good, game guy. But, alas, he faltered on this weekend as well, even though he shot out of the gate with 83-83.
Infamous golfer, SNOOT DOGGY DOG, was a betting favorite, not to win…..but how many times could he lose either his glasses…hat…camera….phone, etc. The Ohio bookies had him at 5-2 to lose ‘something, and he covered’……..and with his recent purchase of new Ping I-200 irons, he was playing like a man possessed. He had the MOST magical moments on the neatly-manicured BRIGGSIDE course and of his aging career. While he shot a mediocre 87-89 on the 1st 2 days, his playing partner Kapalua told him as they were coming off the 16th green.on DAY 2……”YOU SUCK!!!! That’s all he had to hear as he not only BIRDIED 17 and 18, both par 5s, but both were NDs ( N……Dicks ) And then to punctuate a great weekend…….he EAGLED 17 on Sunday to join that ‘elite’ group of WDI Eaglers ( led by Hayes, Briggs, Joebob and Bolter….maybe Jake and maybe Johhny “2-shots” Kluz) The crowd went crazy after the Eagle and roared louder as Snoot pretended to masturbate his putter. And boy, did the cart cracks swoon! WAT DA WA!!!
OK, while that was DAY 3, DAY 2 was memorable in it’s own way. After Round 2, the group went to 102 year-old famous, BENDER’S ( MEN’S CLUB) restaurant in downtown Canton. Back in 1920, this was where a few footballers got together and gave birth to the NFL. Ever hear of the Canton Bulldogs? Probably not! Over appetizers of oyster, clams and calamari and entrees of Wall-Eyed Pike, Dover Sole and Turtle Soup, the boys ate and drank like NFLers. Actually, a few of them visited the Hall of Fame there in Canton that morning before golf and said it was fabulous. Sort of like the Titantic museum in Belfast, with those touch screens and holographs. Ironically, as Kap, Boynie and Jake toured the building, they were often interrupted by autograph seekers and back slapped numerous times. Guess they looked like aging NFLers? Boynie reminded everyone of Y A Tittle…Kapalua….Frank Gifford and Jake….Johnny U!
Back to Sunday’s climatic final 9 holes ( they played 27 holes for the toonamint and even had an ’emergency’ 9 scramble, after their Saturday afternoon round.) Both the Snake and the Melon Head were tied +3 after the 1st round and Snake had a 1 point lead +2 to +1 going into Sunday’s final 9 holes. Boynie was at 0 and lurking, but could never find his game, continually ‘rocking the baby.’ And the baby was getting a little nauseous!!
That left Snake and Briggsey going toe to toe…mano y mano! Overflow crowds of young Ohioan babes, gray haired ladies and guys in overhalls with tractor hats, followed this group around shouting, ” Go get him Snake”…..You da man Cabeza Melon.’ The course was pristine with as many false fronts as offshore Bahama bank accounts.. If you didn’t hit it flush, you were 40-50 feet down the slippery slope. But, both ex-champs parlayed their chipping and putting skills, shooting 38 for Jake and 39 for Briggsey and….. a close 2 shot victory for the Snake. …..his 4th WDI crown.
Later that morning at the Awards ceremony at beautiful Bertram Inn @ Glenmore,( where the boys stayed) a 1930 vintage Gothic style building which bears the aura of a highland Scottish castle set on rolling green hills, and inhabited by monks back in the day…… there were many emotional moments. One in particular was when Joebob left 6 hours before his flight departed because he didn’t want to be late( the Akron-Canton airport is 10 minutes away ) Another was watching Jack, Boynie and Joebob polish off 3 hot dogs….before they ate a huge lunch. Jake wore a monk’s skull cap ( his award ) and accepted the accolades with aplomb. ” Thanks to all the monks that have lived, prayed and played here. I came to Briggseys backyard and pulled out an ‘upset.’ To which the large head replied, ” Suck on a big one, Jake. The cream rises to the top, baby! Rematch”…..
And there you have it, sportsfans, perverts and MOFOs everywhere, the 45th WDI dating back to 1994 , when Jake was in diapers and Briggsey’s head hadn’t started to grow into what it is today. Next year, the 25th year anniversary WDI will be going somewhere special…..this writer will keep you updated.
Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley
SCORES
1. JAKE 76..79..38……+3
2. BRIGGSEY 75..77..39…..+1
3. BOYNIE 90..93..46…….0
4. SNOOTER 87..89..39…..-4
5. JACK BRIGGS 83..83..44…..-5
6. JOEBOB 93..89..46…..-8
7. KAPALUA 89..88..44….-9