BRIGGSIDE BOUNCES BACK TO TAKE
WDI TOURNEY AT HIS HOME COURSE IN CANTON
by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor
The scene was out of an old QuentinTarantino movie, with half a hundred, homely Ohio patrons, wearing their bib overhauls with JOHN DEERE baseball caps looking on, as the Black-robed monk, snatched the blue embroidered skull cap off the Jakester’s head ( which had a swell white JHS on the back of it ) and banished him from the beautiful grounds of the Beltram Inn @ Glenmoor. He also took back the cheesy Glenmoor key chain with the bottle opener on one end.
“Sorry, pal…you suck!” exclaimed Brother Bruce. ” You coulda been a contenda…you coulda been someone, ” continued Brucie, in his best New Joisey accent. ” But, you couldn’t win at Briggside two years in a row and you couldn’t beat the large-headed man.” ” Now, ..looking pissed..”.we don’t gotta skull cap that fits his mammoth head.” We gotta find 3 cows to get enough material!!!!”
The reason for this unceremonios ceremony, was the playing of the 48th WDI toonamint…..in the 25th year anniversary of the WDI…..held at Briggside CC in historic Canton, Ohio. The pros played 2 rounds there and 0ne round at a privately based IMG course called Sand Ridge, just outside Cleveland.( Thanks to Briggsey’s agent Big Mac MacCormack Jr.)
This reporter also attended the Champion’s Dinner held on Thursday nite at famous BENDER’S restaurant in Canton. Constructed in 1899 and opened in 1902, it was named a historic site…..and was the site of the original meeting of the NFL owners. ( The NFL was founded at Benders in 1920 as the American Professional Football Association, APFA, with 10 teams from 4 States. The name was changed to NFL in 1922)
Present at the restaurant, chowing down on Jakester’s menu that nite of oysters, Walleye pike and thick T-Bones were the Final WDI combatants:
BRIGGSIDE, JACKSIDE (HIS BRO), fiery JOEBABBO, fan fav KAPALUA, the one and only SNOOT DOGGY-DOG, da JAKESTER and ageless BOYNIE!!! Some were already in a zombie like state…and some were already SNOOTFACED. Can u name them???
BUT, they all had made the cut and were looking forward to the final 2 rounds of golf…some standing with their gin and tonics’, gesturing and finger-pointing……..” I am taking you Briggsides down tomorrow”, yelled da Jakester. “The hell you are”, replied an obviously irked Briggside. ” me and my Bro are kicking ur Tampa asses back down to hot, humid Florida.”
AND, while the large-headed man DID just that, JACKSIDE slipped a tad, shooting 85-91-81 to come in ‘dead last’….He had begun the tourney in good fashion, fighting gallantly, but flattened out like an Ohio Indian summer.
BOYNIE, had started play nicely, but then he saw mirages of Russian caddies milling around…lost his nerve, then his game on 3 consecutive 9s, before coming back on the last day. He even won 4-skin(s). Get it?
JOEBABBO, had leapt out of the gate on Thursday, hot as a Ohio firecracker at +1, tied for 2nd place with Kapalua, and only 2 points behind Briggside….but sleeping by himself with no spooning effectively shut him down. He came in 4th.
SNOOTER, meanwhile, got off to his usual slow start, but after quaffing 6 Jessies on the last day at Briggside, had 3 Birdies and an Eagle on 17. Deja vu? He also had an eagle on 17 on the last day, the year before. You could hear the cheers from the raucous Ohio crowd as he swiftly moved up the Leaderboard.
But, how about the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian..KAPAFRICKINGLUA!!! Forgotten by the press…shunned by his peers ( Joe and Mary ), beset with back…hip…leg…arm….injuries and bucking 100-1 odds, he started out tied for 2nd with Joebob, but just couldn”t close the deal on the Final Day. He kept the large headed man in his periphery all day long, which isn’t hard to do, if u know what I mean. But he shot 81 on the 7400 yard course to finish 2nd at +3. He credits the daily morning yoga classes, clad in matching leopard skin T-backs, with Boynie as his jumpstart. Not a very nice visual!
AND who is left standing? JAKE and BRIGGSIDE, playing like condemned men…matching each other birdie for birdie, until one of them got BRIGGSIDED!!!! JAKE had won the 2017 CANTON WDI , by beating crowd fav and local son, BRIGGSIDE in a spectacular ‘Duel in the Shade” over 3 days +4 to +3. And was crowned by Brother Brucie later that summer day at Glenmoor.
That defeat had hounded BRIGGSIDE for the past year…..hearing snickering in the Men’s Grill….seeing other golfers/friends purposely avoid his glare……having less important duffers who had feared BRIGGSEY now intentionally block his golf cart….and laugh about it. And didn’t see a pissed off Gabriela for 3 months!
Instead of spiraling out of control, like in year’s past, and drinking too much, smoking too much and hanging out in transgender joints too much….BRIGGSEY got pissed! Using an aging Harry Smith as his trainer…and working out 1-2 days every other month…..he got into BRIGGS-LIKE shape. By the start of the toonamint…he was frickin’ ready! His rounds of 76..80 and 73 along with 5 birds a round ‘sealed the deal.”
AND although the Award ceremony was post-poned due to unavailable XXXL skull caps….he already got his measure of revenge and with a smirk on his face grabbed JACKSIDE and said, ” We’re going to DENNY’S you MOFOS!!!!!!
So there you have it, you CNN fans, perverts and Russian boys and girls of tender age…..another great journalistic piece from yours truly. Hoepfully, this time I win the frickin Pulitzer…it’s about time.
Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley
SCORES
- Briggside 76–80–73 +8
- Kapalua 84..85..81 +3
- Snoot 85..85..81 -7
- Joebob 86..92..90 -10
- Jake 82..78..85 -13
- Bern 93..100..94 -13
- Jackside 85..91..81 – 14