An anxious, but anal retentive James A McNulty was relaxing on a brown leather Coventry couch, puffing on a good Arturo Fuente No. 2, facing the 1st hole at Forest Dunes from his luxurious 6 bedroom villa and sipping a double shot, no foam grande latte. And smiling. Smiling, because he still maintained a 4 point lead after 4 tough rounds @ Oakland Hills, Arcadia Bluffs and Crystal Downs. Today was the final round of the 2009 Mich. WDI at Forest Dunes in Roscommon. And to boot, his chief competitors, according to him, were a ‘bunch’ of fucking puds. But these ‘puds’ weren’t ordinary puds, they were ex-WDI champ puds.

He was 6 points ahead of that Krafty Kapalua, 2006 Mich. WDI Champ. The good-looking Hawaiian-Puerto Rican trick shot artist had experienced a roller-coaster week, playing well at Oakland Hills and shooting 37 on the front side at Crystal Downs. But personal demons, sore shoulder, bad abdomen, sore crotch etc. got the best of him. However, he was still lurking in 4th place, ready to spring like a wolverine. Snooter was 3 points ahead of the aging Neck, (‘58 Babe Zaharias Champ) who like a Tom Watson wannabe, suddenly found his game laddie. His play that week was vintage Neck back in the day. But getting up at 3 am daily, walking the course, doing calisthenics and hitting 2,000 practice balls had finally sapped his strength. Only one competitive pud was left–the Duke of Eric (Rahenkamp) (2009 Alabama WDI Champ).

Snoot smiled again.”I can beat that Frank Nobilo-Iook alike with my eyes closed. I got 4 handicap points on that tall drink of water, before we even tee off. And I’m 4 points up on him right now. Plus, when I played with the bearded wonder yesterday, he was slicing and dicing on his way to a 77.” In his best spanish-dialect he learned so many years ago at Jesuit High in Tampa–Snoot whispered to himself “No problema” and smirked. And “find a shaver, deuchebag.”

Snoot would not smile or smirk again—that day.

Before we proceed with the cataclysmic conclusion, what happened to the other 4 contenders/pretenders? Well, in order–JoeBob, under a haze of Ambien and booze, couldn’t get out of the box at Oakland Hills and Arcadia Bluffs. The pre-tournament favorite at 2-1 by Jimmy the Geek had been “en fuego” all summer, carving up Palma Ceia like a Thanksgiving turkey, and taking the ‘boys’ money on Sun. morning. His 98-92 start was the end of the Italian Scallion.

The Galloping Grouper, Fish, had an ok start, shooting 88, 89 at Oakland and Arcadia and climbing up the leaderboard to tie for 3rd, but shot 96 at Crystal and plummeted to the bottom of the ‘sea’, faster than his cousin, Charlie the Tuna. Boynie, meanwhile had started out as a 16 handicap, but w/out his personal companion and cheerleader, Morrie went downhill fast with 95-90-97and was old news. One redeeming item was that on the final day, Boynie had managed to climb up to a 22 handicap, shot 93 and won a ton of money. What is Jewish for ‘sandbagger’? Finally, Broneck. After a sterling opening round 80 at Oakland, he broke his driver which broke his heart which broke his spirit and he limped in last.

Now back to the exciting conclusion. Saturday in Michigan dawned with fog rolling in like little cat’s paws over the 6900 yd course. Even though no one could have predicted it, the final round collapse of Snoot-Doggy-Dog rivals some of the biggest collapses in sports history (Arnie losing to Billy Casper at Olympic in ‘65, after being up 7 with 9 to play; the Red Sox losing the pennant to their dreaded rivals, the Yankees, in a 1 day playoff game after leading the division by 10 games with 2 weeks to play; or, FSU tying Florida 31-31 in ‘96 after being down 31-0.)

As Snoot glared down the first fairway, with his heart pounding like a drugged up

whore, all he thought was “Don’t duckhook it into the trees.” Which is exactly what he did. The Duke of Eric smelling ‘blood in the water’ struck his tee shot 250 down the middle, hit a short iron to a undulating green and made birdie to Snoot’s bogey. The game was on. By the end of 9, Kapalua and Neck were playing like the schmoes Snoot thought they were. Duke’s play had suddenly turned mediocre and Snoot led Duke by only 2 points. Snoot said to this reporter, “I felt uncomfortable to start the round, probably due to dinner last nite. I think the 5 double vodkas (aka Jessies) and 6 bottles of Silver Oak cab unsettled my stomach–but I still played my ass off, because I am the Snoot-Doggy Dog.”

Kapalua, meanwhile, had found his form and birdied 10 and 14 to mount a late challenge while Little Clam Neck had also been playing more bettterer and made 4 consecutive pars. But, for these puds, it was too little too late. After parring 15, 16 and 17 to match the Duke’s pars, Snoot stepped up to the 18th tee holding a tenuous 2-pt. lead. Although, he didn’t know it. Actually, no one knew except the Duke. You see, he bribed the scorecard carrying blonde and sent her on her way smiling, with dollar bills seen stuck to her bra-strap–plus the electronic scoreboards weren’t operable either, after a wire had become disconnected. Hmmmmmmm.

Anyway, the 18th at Forest Dunes is a 521 yd. par 5, with a huge bunker left and

gorse right, which gently turns from right to left to a kidney-shaped green surrounded by water on 3 sides and a deep bunker in front. Which is where Snooter found his 3rd shot. Duke’s gap wedge hit the green and left him an uphill 19 ft. putt for birdie. Shouts of WHAT DAT WA were drowned out by gasps from the teenage groupies, as Duke Nobilo calmly sank his putt while Snoot double-bogeyed. Snoot had led the WDI for 89 holes–Duke led on the 90th.

New Zealand’s own Duke Nobilo had just won consecutive WDIs. Surrounded by the hounding press, gorgeous semi-clad groupies and his lawyer who was trying to hammer out Duke’s prenup, Duke retreated to his villa for post-game interviews. In the scorecard tent, there were 2 Snoots. He was beside himself. Distraught, he tried to plunge his scoring pencil deep into his veins. But, alas, there was no more lead in that pencil, so to speak. Actually when all is said and done, it was a gallant fight—one for the ages. (Look at ‘95 WDI Palm Springs, also decided on last hole–Harlan vs. Kapalua).

In the end, even though some members of the press along with some WDI vets unfairly castigated me and my work as heavily biased and slanted toward certain special golfers, I take exception to those remarks and notwithstanding the play by

Little Clam Neck, I stand by my pre-tournament odds. Hey, even a blind squirrel usually can find an acorn.

See you next year on the WDI 2010 Tour.

Golfingly yours,

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          Duke               -8         75-81-82-77-80

2          Snoot              -10      81-79-87-87-88

3          Neck               -11      87-86-83-89-90

4          Kapalua          -13      84-89-84-86-89

5          Boynie            -17      95-90-97-96-93

6          Fish                 -20      88-89-96-93-101

7          Joebob           -28      98-92-94-90-94

8          Broneck          -29      80-91-86-87-84

TWO-MAN TEAM

1          Duke and Neck                     -19

2          Snoot and Boynie                 -31

3          Kapalua and Joebob            -42

4          Fish and Broneck                  -46

Who will hoist the aluminum Commissioner’s Cup, emblematic of the “Best damned WDI golfer in Michigan” this September in the Final Major of the Friggin Year? Will it be a red-hot Kapalua who was “en fuego” for most of the summer or his roommate Joe Bobbo, also on a hot streak? Or could it be the Alabama co-winners Snooter and Duke trying to “repeat?” And finally, who will be the new T.C. Chen at Oakland Hills? (Morrie’s not playing)

Thanks to my good friend, Jimmy “The Geek” he will “honestly” handicap the field for September’s tourney.

Jorge Kapalua 2 – 1

The sweet-swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican/Hawaiian seems to be the odds-on favorite in Michigan. Won there previously at Treetops in 2006 over nine grueling courses culminating with a final round 79 at the Bear in Traverse City, beating a premiere field of top 100 golfers. So he has the experience. His swing coach, Butch Harmon says “Kap has never hit the ball more weller (Diane) then this summer. I pick him to win it all.” Voted outstanding smart, MOFO WDI Golfer by the girls at Mons Venus, he needs to win this event to salvage his year. As you know, a year without a WDI major is a failure to “Eldrick” Kapalua.

Neck 100 – 1

Back in the prime of his life, he was ALWAYS a fierce competitor. His German

stock prohibited him from “taking a dive” or crying when behind. (There’s no crying in golf, Neck.) Back in the day, in the final round on Sunday afternoon, a hard-charging Neck put fear in the hearts of all players; but that was then. Now, he is a shell of a man. Drives go 155 – 160 yards max, nine-iron’s 65 yards max; can’t putt, chip or chew gum. Chili dip is his favorite food. Flying from Michigan to Tampa to Austin on a weekly basis has given him a million free Delta Sky Miles, but, unfortunately, has sapped his strength. Was DQ’d in last Michigan WDI in 2006 and disgraced before his Michigan fans, all two of them. Predicted finish – “LAST.”

Boynie 99 – 1

His playing career can be likened to the blockbuster movie hit, “The Wreckage of

the Andrea Doria.” It may be finally time for Boynie to have that surgery to remove both his arms and replace them with arm prosthesis. Up-and-down play/career currently in down mode. Has slim chance of victory, but could be spoiler as partner. (In other words, he’ll spoil his playing partner’s round/day.) Playing very Baddely (as in Aaron) lately. Won’t be playing with regular Saturday morning playing chum, Denise, who he has played with for over 40 years. (And Morrie is nowhere to be seen either.) Could be significant detriment to young Boynie Stein.

Fishman 98 – 1

Another ex-WDI champion who has seen his glory days come and go (see WDI ’08), but has fallen on hard times. Some say his game recently smells like “rotting mackerel.” New clubs could be the reason or looking at Mitzel’s swing all those years could also be a factor. The big question is, can the “flopping flounder” rebound in time to win at Michigan? The answer – a resounding “NO.” Of course, if his handicap remains at 17, he could “swim” in the back door.

Snoot. “The People’s Player” 4 – 1

After years of abject failure following his first WDI win in Atlanta in ’97, the Snoot

Dog baffled his pundits, with a co-championship win this past May in Alabama. His ’09 play, however, reminds one of an ex-champ who battles years of alcohol, drugs, bitches, and depression and then wins again. Could Snoot be “on the road to recovery?” A repeat win would put him in the premiere class of consecutive WDI winners – Bolt, Kapalua, Fish – all the men he has looked up to and admired all of his miserable, wretched life. Come on, Snoot Dog, you can do it. WAT DAT BE!

Duke 5 – 1

After posting a second place finish at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05, the Duke of Eric fell off the wagon and left the WDI tour. However, after losing his card after Bandon Dunes due to poor eating habits and lousy golf course strategy, the Duke found God. After all, he was touted in 2001 as “promising New player on WDI Tour.” The Duke displayed flashes of brilliance but never won a Major – till Alabama ’09. With the weight of the world off his back, can he resurrect his career before he marries? (In Oct.?) Will he have a great time at his bachelor party? (post WDI tourney) Could he lose his passport in Canada? Will he wake up in a Canadian jail cell smelling of whiskey and stale perfume? Tune in after the Michigan WDI to find out the answers.

Broneck 6 – 1

Oldest living player in WDI history, 89 year old Broneck is still in the competitive

mode. He plays only two majors a year to preserve his strength. Although he last won in ’05 in Jacksonville/Orlando WDI tying with Kapalua at Bay Hill, he has competed well in subsequent WDIs while eating a solid diet of oatmeal and pablum. Broneck is an excellent two-man partner with a deliberate stroke. However, following his retirement from Aeroflot Airlines, Broneck’s handicap has steadily plummeted to a zero. Does he have the stamina to play well in his own Michigan back yard? NEIN!

Joe Bob 3 – 1

Joe Bobbo, known affectionately by his child patients, as “Doctor Wop” has been

striking the ball pretty Diane (Weller) lately. But he could be peaking a little prematurely, if you know what I mean. Was recently caught “peeking” in his car at Hooter’s parking lot by Tampa Police several months ago. Spending the week in the slammer has changed his resolve to win in Michigan. However, doesn’t take well to Italian curses when he is playing good golf. Otherwise, could be the dark horse of the field assuming he doesn’t drink vodka with cranberry following that up with a couple lemoncello’s. Looking forward to “spooning” with bi-sexual roomie, Kapalua.

Well, there you have it sports fans. Thanks, Jimmy, for your “honest” input. See you at Oakland Hills. Remember, recorded play to be aired on ESPN “3” from 3:00 a.m. to 5:00 a.m., Tues. – Sat., September 21 – 26.

Rick Reilly