BERNIE HAS EPIC UPSET WIN; KAP IS ALMOST GATOR BAIT
AS WDI INNISBROOK CONCLUDES AN EXCITING TOONAMINT
BY: Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

Freddies Reptile and Pet Shop in Miami Beach received a strange phone call on Sunday night, January 8, around 10 pm. It went directly into voicemail, but when Freddie, a paunchy short, homely, balding Cuban, who had a tendency to piss people off and was a bit sarcastic to customers, recovered the taped call…..chills went down his back!
The voice on the other end of the call was very familiar….he had done business with the gentleman before, was paid rather well, but at moments, he seemed to scare Freddie out of his mind. This was no gentleman! “LOOK DUDE, I NEED A LIVE MAN-EATING GATOR, WHO IS NOT AFRAID OF EATING A FORMER GATOR, SO TO SPEAK, RIGHT NOW. SHIP THE REPTILE TO INNISBROOK..ISLAND COURSE …HOLE 18! IF YOU DON’T COMPLY, YOU’RE ASS WILL BE GATOR BAIT!
Who found all this shit out? Top notch, crack InvestiGATOR, Little Stevie Bolter, a former WDI Chump who had semi-retired and moved to a 78 floor condominium in Miami Beach, after suffering through 3 devastating hurricane hits in as many years. No longer the sexy, sweet talkin’ PI that he once was, and a shell of a man at age 74, he still had a little moxy left in his deteriorating body and could follow/trail a stiff through a hurricane, for what it’s worth.
PI Bolter had been hired by the Sweet swinging, good-looking Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua due to a “mishap’ at Innisbrook, the day before. It seems that Kapalua, who had shot 80 at the tough, Copperhead Course on DAY ONE at the WDI tourney, and was comfortably in 2nd place at +3, one stroke behind newcomer Coach Myers, a boyhood chum of Cheese Goldman and of questionable ancestry, and 3 stokes ahead of Journeyman Bernardo, was involved in a serious mishap on the beautiful 18th hole at the Island Course.
Sensing his record 9th WDI victory over a field of puds, inc the newcomer Coach, Kap was viciously attacked by a 25 foot Gator on the banks of the Withlacoochee ( actually a small pond in front of 18 green) Thanks to a sturdy Ping Wedge, Kap attempted to ‘beat off’ the reptile( much to the Gators’ delight) and struck him/her at least 4 times, which loosened his grip on Kap’s right knee. He then, after being attended by personnel from the medical staff at the Course, courageously stuck the next and last shot of the tourney to within 10 feet of the pin. He barely missed the bird, but made par. As he happily limped off 18 with what he thought was a fabulous par and a skin, his playing MOFOS, Snoot, Bernardo and Broneck, yelled out…”That’s not a par, Kap, but an 8., you dickwad. You took 4 swings at the reptile.” While the lads guffawed, Kap steamed.
Meanwhile, the Toonamint was officially over and at the Scorer’s tent amidst many onlookers, inc. a band of young waitresses, wearing tight-fitting golf apparel and leopard skinned T-backs…. Scorer official Cheese/Goldy announced to the standing room only crowd that Bernardo Stein was the Champ of the 54th WDI!!! WTF…..can you say railroaded! Hijacked!!
Bernardo had shot 90-89 and with a ‘ cap ‘ of 19 and playin from the Chartreuse tees….had finished with a scire of +2 and finished 3 strokes ahead of Kap and Kluz at -1. COACH, the 1st round leader on Copperhead at +4 fell apart like a cheap suit at The Men’s Warehouse and stumbled home in 7th place. BRONECK, who just turned 98, had a ‘terrific’ tourney shooting 87-93 and finished 5th. SNOOT DOGGY DOG, past WDI Champ and former high-school phenom, until he lost to Eddie Pearce and several 70 year old amateur golfers at age 16, was trying to stage a comeback. All he staged was a setback.
Kluzie, a 3-1 odds fav to win the toonamint, was hampered by driving home each nite and arriving early in the mornings. Even his bloated handicap was not enough to overcome Bernie, with scores of 88-90. It took a great deal of planning by Kapalua to get his sister to come visit the weekend of the toonamint! Ha! Joseyman, still smarting from the IRISH WDI in July of 2022, couldn’t get going, even with moving up to the Mauve tees on Monday.
Goldy/Cheese/Andy….does this dude have any more names, played OK on Sunday, but lit it up on Monday shooting 87 and moved up to place 4th. That left Bernie Stein, a 19 capper, sometimes; who has had problems “rocking the baby”….and pretending to be shankapotomas in the past. Playing with Kap, Coach and Andy on Sunday…and watching every move by the Good lookin PR, he managed a cool 90….good enough to place 4th at 0. All he needed was a great round on Monday……but in the past, those rounds never came……….. UNTIL, he called Fred’s Reptile and Pet Store!

Yours in golf,
Wick E Wiley ( btw don’t forget the SNOOT on March 31-April 1)

Scores:
1. Bernardo +2 90-89
T2. Kapalua -1 80-87
T2 Kluz -1 88-90
4. Goldy -3 91-87
5. Broneck -5 87-93
6. Snoot -7 88-90
7. Coach -9 82-97
8. Josyman -17 97-102

News flash just in at ESPN: 89 year old WDI vet Boynie Stein sank his 2nd ever Hole in One, while playing in a non- sanctioned WDI event today at MacDill AFB. The shot was witnessed by Commissioner Kapalua, who just happened to be his playing partner. Some witnesses say, they thought they saw a loping Kapalua, get to the green first and accidentally foot wedge the ball into the hole. Commish violently disagrees, calling witness Chick Garcia….unreliable, irrational and very irritating! Overhead jet noise , blocked out the jubilant cheers from Dr Stein, who stated that this is a sign from heaven. And that maybe his game is on the rise? NOT!!! After all , he finished ace, bogey and birdie ( 2 under) at the tough South course ( for a sizzling 92)
The shot/hole was a 163 yard par 3 played into a 25 mph wind….young Boynie handled the wind and heckling from his opponents with a marvelously played hook driver that barely got off the ground. Some say it was reminiscent of a worm burner….while Base soldiers likened it to a drone laser. Bernie said he would donate the winnings from his game today, especially the wooden aero plane trophy 🏆 given to him at a ceremony following the match to the Ukraine people!! What a guy! More later.

FLASH NEWS—REPORT FROM AUDIT FIRM OF HICKEM, DICKIM, & POO—A REVIEW OF SCORECARDS FOR THE LATEST WDI (OTH) GROUP REVEALED THE FOLLOWING BASED UPON ACTUAL AVERAGE SCORES FOR THE THREE ROUNDS: FIRST PLACE TIE, KAPALUA AND BRONECK AT SCRATCH; SECOND PLACE, KLUZ +1 STROKE; THIRD PLACE TIE, SNOOT AND JOEBOB +3 STROKES; FOURTH PLACE, ANDY +6 STROKES; FIFTH PLACE, BERNIE +8 STROKES; SIXTH PLACE, JOSEY +11 STROKES.

FOR ALL FUTURE TOURNAMENTS, THE ABOVE STROKE HANDICAPS WILL BE USED. ANY CASH PRIZE MONEY TAKEN IN ERROR FROM THE WISCONSIN NATIONAL TOURNAMENT MUST BE RETURNED TO KAPALUA HEADQUARTERS FOR REDISTRIBUTION. CEO PREZCAP ps. Nice playing Bro!

KRUZ KOLLECTS KUDOS FROM KRAZED FANS AT

2021 WDI IN WISCONSIN AMID ALLEGATIONS OF POINT

SHAVING AND RACIAL SLURS by Wick E Wiley, ESPN.

The clock on the wall at the run-down post-Communist era Hotel in Croatia said 1pm, but the bleary-eyed Snoot Doggy Dog, didn’t seem to care. This was his 21st day of quarantine in this 3rd world country and he wanted OUT! Even though he tested negative for COVID after a leisurely 21 day cruise up and down the Adriatic, he pleaded to authorities that the drugs found in his dopp kit, were legal and probably planted there by his sweet wife Dora, who didn’t want to leave the yacht! ” Cmon Jimmy, can we spend another 2 weeks in Croatia? Maybe invest in a timeshare too! Please!!! It’s so peaceful here!, said Dora. He was after all, the man from MYMD. ( bigga shot exec)

And besides, WDI WISCONSIN started in just 3 days….he HAD to get back home and fast. Who to call….The Taylor boys! They had just been released from a Japanese jail, for their role in helping Toyota car exec Carlos Ghosn escape Japan and delivered him to Lebanon. Cut to present…….. with a few Shekels, Snoot was on his way to the US…..just in time.

Jimmy the Geek, however, had speculated  in August, that Snooter was not ” the man he used to be” and gave him 1000-1 odds to win the toonamint. The top 2 players according to The Geek were : the hot playing Joebobbo at 2-1 and Crazed Czech Kluz at 3-1. What about the sweet-swinging, good looking Hawaiian-Puerto Rican Kapalua. Being touted at 100-1 really “pissed him off.” I can’t believe that fat turd thinks I’m of no value,” said Kap,”especially since we will be spending time in the Dells where I grew up.” Even though Kap left the Dells as a 12 year old, he already had broken many records in the Dells ( many more than his older brother Prezcap, and much to the chagrin of his DAD )……..and boy was Larry’s Record Shop on Broadway angry!!!!

Sure enough, The Taylor Boys dropped Snoot off at Tampa International at 8am for his 9:30 Delta flight to Milwaukee,  ONLY to find out the flight was delayed til 3pm! WTF!!! Kapalua had made plans to dine at one his Dells childhood friend”s restaurant ( at the Wilderness) that nite ( they closed at 9pm ) Could they still make it? Plus Field’s had saved him a tasty Walleye Pike, which they planned to serve him, along with the Dells grade school marching band  serenading this former, famous Dells resident. But, they showed up at 10pm…only 7 hours LATE! They couldn’t find the Mayor to give Kap a key to the city, since he was passed out in one of the 200 bars in the Dells…..so they gave him a Monk’s tasty cheeseburger instead. With a tear in his eye, Kap, along with Bernie and Goldy, gobbled down their cheeseburgers while eyeing the final seconds of the Alabama game.

BTW, Joebob and Broneck did dine at Field’s Restaurant at the Wilderness.( They had taken an American  flight since Broneck was an American Captain for 30 years) And those mofos wanted to eat the Walleye that had been protected for Kap……to no avail. And Kluz’s clubs and suitcase managed to arrive from the flight at 4am….much to his delight and his roomie, Kapalua’s dismay. So on Sunday morning, with all WDIers present,(after one of the worst travel days they experienced) they were on their way to SAND VALLEY, ergo, with a quick stop at the former Cappy”s Dept Store and a pic. The boys looked amazed as Kap pointed to his ‘digs’ in the Dells right across the street.” Did you really climb that spire,” asked Joebob. ” “Every day”, responded a confident Kap!

SAND VALLEY was another Keiser masterpiece, following BANDON DUNES and CABOT CLIFFS, but unlike the other two courses, there was NO water…ocean …lakes or cliffs here. Just a LOT of frickin sand!!! Their 2 courses SAND VALLEY and MAMMOTH DUNES were spectacular……sort of a combination of BANDON, STREAMSONG and ARCADIA BLUFFS. Sand Valley was the tougher of the two as Mammoth was far more forgiving with wide open fairways and a par 73.

DAY ONE at Sand Valley saw the good-looking, sweet swinging PR Hawaiian take the overnight lead by shooting 83. Kluz was second, 2 shots off the lead at -3, followed by GOLDY and father in law, BOYNIE at -4.(Bernie had just been released from Urgent Care in Nakoosa, Wisc. from the night before after pounding a drunk, loud-mouthed New Yorker, who kept on calling him…Bernie Madoff. He didn’t need his beefed up son-in-law Goldy or Kluz, or even Kap who was ready to pounce on the mofo, once he hit the ground. Slightly bruised, Boynie was happy as a lark to be playing golf.

Snoot was at -6; Broneck at -7; Joseyman at -8 and WDI ‘fav’ Joebabbo at -9. Not only were the fans at Sand Valley stung by Joebob’s play, Joebabbo was also stung by Kluz’s racial slur…..he called him a greaseball, tomato sauce sucking WOP and said THE GODFATHER movie was a fraud… a fake! NO MAFIA ever existed.   The NYT and Washington Post got word of this and immediately called for Kluz’s WD from the WDI! And from the WDI RING OF HONOR. Coach Gruden sent his condolences to Kluz….and told him to sit tight. Which he did!

DAY TWO at Mammoth Dunes was marred by the famous GHIN handicap system, put in place by KLUZ and others. By utilizing the up tees, one’s handicap would fall a couple rings: BUT Joebob’s fell to 3, Kap’s fell to 5, Broneck’s fell to 7, and  GASP, Kluz’s went up to 15!!! No wonder why Kluz shot 80….Kap 82 and Broneck 79 , and took a commanding 6 stroke lead into the last round at BLACKWOLF RUN. Young tasty, Italian chicks suddenly appeared at the 18th hole at Mammoth Dunes, bearing signs that read……VAMOS KLUZ and KLUZ IS MERDA and started pelting him with rotten tomatoes! They also carried signs that said, STOP THE STEAL KLUZ! …….KLUZ HANDICAP IS RIGGED! Someone swore they saw an elderly fat golfer with a red hat, sitting in a camo F-85 smiling at the commotion……

DAY THREE at BLACKWOLF RUN was anti-climatic. Joseyman finally found his game; Snoot had a mishap; Bernie lost his game; Joebob lost his cool and Kapalua tried to play low but ended up with an 86…..just like Kluz, Broneck and Snoot. Kluz won the 51st WDI by 5 strokes over a disappointed Kapalua, but after a delicious dinner at the world famous IMMIGRANT ROOM at KOHLER, with plenty of spirits……THE BOYS  were having such a good time…they didn’t care! But,  at a little after 3am, in his room at Kohler….there was a party in Room 171….a BLANKET party for good ol KLUZ! YAY!!!!!

SCORES

1.KLUZ ..90..80..86..+5

2.KAPALUA…83..82..86..0

3.BRONECK..88..79..86..-6

4.BERNIE…92..88..97…10

4.SNOOT..90..85..86….-10

6.ANDY…92..85..94…-14

6.JOEBOB..89..84..89..-14

8 JOSEYMAN..95..93..97…-18

Yours in golf,

Wick E. Wiley

HUMPTY ALMOST GETS DUMPED(TY)

BUT BARELY EDGES A CHARGING KAPALUA BY ONE

IN WDI FEDEX FINAL IN OHIO, by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Guru

( No Virginia…this isn’t a fairy tale!)

The large-headed man took a long 1st sip, then a second sip from his Blatz draft and exhaled deeply for all the “fake” sports media to see. He took off his flaming RED ballcap, that read…….KEEP BRIGGSIDE GREAT AGAIN…. then he entertained the 1st question of the post-round interview.

Q…..Did u choke , like a chicken, today on this beautiful Canterbury course, with excellent weather conditions and a 7 shot lead?

A….(Beneath his breath….you f….ing press idiot) ” Well, yeah,  I guess I sucked today.” …..Murmurs heard amongst the press media, then shouts of, “Yeah you did suck!” Briggsey aka Humpty aka Large-headed man aka, well, you get the picture….slowly burns under his collar.

Q….Do you think your play today was affected by the excellent play of the good-looking, sweet-swinging 7-time WDI Puerto Rican Champ, Kapalua?

A…..( Beneath his breath …That piece of shit) I mean, well it could of…after all, he IS a PLAYER at age 85! Grinning….press media murmuring again. Disrespectful dick!

Q….How do you think you would have fared had Jake and Joebob, not have been DQed?

A…. (Beneath his breath…F…k them, they would have no chance.)…I mean, Jakester won the 1st OHIO WDI here in ’18 and I blasted him last year…so it would have been a tough fight. Joebob , not so much! The fake press media, not impressed with his answers, starts to pass gas….and then more gas, then much more gas…….

As every anus in the crowd puckered up overtime, a small, insidious cloud of putrid gaseous fumes engulfed the dais, where the large headed man sat with Canterbury’s Prez, Jim DICKfarb and Fed Ex Prez Dan PETERman (they were cousins). Panic ensued as most everyone fled the media tent into the parking lot, into their cars, and down the tree-lined entrance into the suberbs of rejuvenated Cleveland.

It was indeed an unusually stinky OHIO WDI……The 1st round at beautiful Briggside in Canton, was shortened to 9 holes due to a torrential downpour ( which ultimately saved the toonamint for Briggsey who played those 9 holes with a +1 over Kapalua’s -5) Lowlight of the 11/2 rounds there….SNOOTER did not EAGLE #17 again…but he parred it! The 2nd round came off without a hitch, as Briggsey lengthened his lead with another +1. And then shortly after dinner @ Bender’s Men Club in Canton, after Round 2, red-faced officials raced into the famed restaurant……found the lads eating, quaffing and laughing and DQed both Jakester and Joebob on the spot………for what?  They had been caught by surveillance camera, smelling girl’s bicycle seats in the women’s parking lot!!!!! Oh my!!

BRIGGSIDE’S bro, JACKSIDE, immediately called around and was able to convince a couple Briggside members;( by offering cash and free meals) Dapper Davey Arnold and Gentleman John Belden to compete in the final 2 rounds in Cleveland, an hour up the road @ THE Country Club ( established in 1889…it’s course was designed by W. Flynn in 1928..Flynn also had a hand in designing Merion; Shinnecock Hills, The Homestead and The Country Club in Boston. It hosted the ’35 Nat’l Amateur Tournament) and CANTERBURY (founded in 1921..designed by Herbert Strong…and Head Pro Henry Picard. It had hosted 13 Majors…with wins by Nicklaus, Palmer, Stockton, Hagen, Mangrum, Miller Barber and O’Meara among others)

The other lowlight of the toonamint were the accommodations: Glenmoor Abbey, is where everyone stayed…it was an old Gothic 1930 vintage Monastery, which bears the aura of a highland Scottish castle set on rolling green hills. Jerry Jones bought ALL the rooms when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame there in Canton, a couple years ago.  Well, upon checking in…they were oversold, which meant WDI rookie, Joseyman had to room with an elder Monk. Although he looked like a convicted child molester, and smelled like the asshole of a donkey, we were told he was a mild-mannered holy person. That he was given a bad rap….. Joseyman said that as he entered the room on the first nite, the Monk had pushed the twin beds together…..hmmmm. And upon leaving Canton, on Monday am, that he had a good time, although he said, he did way too much spooning!!!!

Due to the DQ snafu, however, ONLY 6 could vie for the Aluminum Cup; rookie Joseyman @ -14; Jackside @ -13; Boynie @ -12 and Snoot Doggy Dog @-9… all far back of HUMPTY MAN who was at +1…………EXCEPT for the shifty, agile, and somewhat senile KAPALUA who was lurking around in 2nd place at -4. Arnold and Beldon were nice lads, however, they couldn’t vie for the Cup, but could compete for some prize $$$$$.

The 3rd round at COUNTRY was delayed one day, so the boys could take a well-deserved break and visit the ROCK n ROLL HOF in Cleveland and dine at Giovanni’s with the Mob Adjacent. Then began the final 2 rounds in CLEVELAND.  JOSEYMAN, through the assistance of his bro, Rob Joseyman,( who also bore the resemblance of a Monk) General Manager of COUNTRY, entertained the group for lunch; 18 holes and then dinner by their world-class chef. But the highlight for many was the 18 inch saucer shower heads that the boys used after golf!  Oh my!!!!

Briggsey’s +2 score complimented his continued, fine play, but a lurking Kap shot 0 (87) to keep within striking distance. Newbies…Arnold and Beldon both shot -3; Jackside -5; Snoot, Boynie and the other Joseyman all at -7. That set the stage for famed CANTERBURY! And what a beautiful course it was: much like Briggside, it displayed OHIO’s golf course pedigree: long, hilly, gorgeous and speedy greens.

Kapalua, first off the tee, came out roaring to a +1 (85) as did Boynie +5 (89) and Joseyman -1 (93). Snoot had an off day at -4(89), as did Dave Arnold at -4(85), Jackside -6(93) and Jumping Johnny Beldon at -9 (95) But what about the leader?????? The large-headed man???

Hurt by ugly chants about his rather large head earlier, after getting rescued by EMS from the men’s locker room since his head was stuck inside the narrow 5 FOOT men’s stalls, Briggsey’s play was off…..shooting, gasp..( 83) and -5. His 7 shot lead evaporating like the chilling Indian summer winds that pepper the green, rolling golf courses of Northern Ohio. BUT HE WON BY ONE…1….one. Such are the vagaries of golf…………………..

Back to the post-round interviews…..now held in CANTERBURY”S parking lot.  HUMPTY was standing on his bright Chartreuse F-150, shouting at what was left of the ‘fake’ media…interested Ohioans, dressed in their Levi overhauls, John Deere ballcaps and corn-pipes and other passer-bys or rather, rubber-neckers.  Briggsey shouted, ” Whoever was responsible for the gas attack…please come forward you bunch of assholes” …..at which time the entire crowd pressed toward his truck, causing him to topple from the hood and “crack his head.” ( Story sound familiar?) The EMS was called AGAIN as the crowd murmured, ” Could they put HUMPTY back together again/” Anyone have any glue???????

Only time will tell! Will follow up this story with medical updates from the CLEVELAND CLINIC downtown!!!!!

……….

Yours in golf,

Wick E. Wiley

PS…..This is WDI win #3 for Briggsey tying him w/Snooter; Neck; Kluz and Fish for 4th place All-time., behind Duke w/4; Jakester w/5 , Bolter w/5 and Kapovich ( He’s well-known in the Czech Republic as well) w/7!

PSS.. for anyone following this complicated story…Briggs.scores: +1..0..+2..-5 = -2

Kap scores…..-5..+1..0  +1 = -3

THE BLACK COURSE…..BLACKMAIL…..AND BLACK SCORES DOOM THE MOFOS IN THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY WDI IN STREAMSONG

by Wick E Wiley, ESPN Editor

 (THIS COULD BE BUT IS NOT A TRULY ACCURATE STORY. THE NAMES AND PLACES ARE STRICTLY FICTIONAL IN THE SORDID, SICK MIND OF WICK WILEY…sorry)

      The WDIers were having such a good time: heavily imbibing, laughing, telling stories and eating……that they barely noticed the small group of black ninjas slip into Restaurant 59 @ beautiful STREAMSONG RESORT, right in the middle of East Bumf—k Egypt, which is….. out in the middle of nowhere! ( There were 3-4somes) It was only after the Outlaw Joseyman and Goldilocks went to the bathroom ( together ) and never came back, that Lanny, the WDI waiter, brought back a note to the table ……yes, an ominous note.

     It read:  YO..HELLO YOUSE WDIERS.

                         WE KNOW YOUSE ARE

                         CELEBRATING SOME-

                         THING! WHAT? WE DON’T

                         KNOW OR CARE. BUT WE

                         GOTS YOUR BOYS, JOSEY

                         MAN AND GOLDY AND IF YOU

                         CO-OPERATE WID US, WE

                         WON’T HURT DEM.

                          SIGNED,

                               GUIDO ( THE LOUD MOUTHED ONE)

        Stunned and scared, most of the WDIers ran out the back door of “59” along with Security ( all the large men) leaving Kluzie,

Robbob and Kapalua to face the music, which I believe was HOTEL CALIFORNIA by the Eagles, since the NECK had left his cell phone, in haste, as he ran out the door. AND, PAY THE BILL! Oh, JOEBOB didn’t leave either because he was somewhat COMATOSE after imbibing ALL day and into the evening!

      After an hour of worrying about what to do and lazily polishing off their tasty 32 oz. Tomahawk rib-eyes, crab-stuffed Seabass with a bleurre-blanc topping, and 1 more bottle of Silver Oak Cabernet….the boys, (without Joebob who was still eating…and drinking….and oblivious ) grim-faced and apoplectic, finally approached the dug-in ninjas. “What do you NY ninjas want?” asked Kluz.

       Guido replied, ” How do youse guys know we’re ninjas? “And from NY?”” Duh, obviously they weren’t rocket scientists! Then he blurted out, ” YO, look, we wanted to work something out financially, since you boys look like old, spoiled South Tampa rich-kids, and we saw youse guys passing out those expensive-looking swell crystal things at dinner. I gotta have one of dose. So, Vito said to me, “Those guys must be loaded!” But I gotta tell u dude.We’re releasing ur buds. We can’t take it……they have been talking non-stop, since we pinched them. We’re outa here!!!!!

      To which, Kapalua bravely asserted, “Really? Shut the fuck up! “

    With the standoff finished and the boys returned and no further roadblocks ahead, the 48th WDI toonamint in it’s 25th year played on. It was a 12-man RYDER CUP format of MOFOS vs. SHITASSES. Last year, the group was reduced by injuries/surgeries to Joebob and Jake forcing their cancellation ( and Robbob’s, much to his chagrin ) which lead to an 8-man format won +21 to +9 by the Kluz-led MOFO team of FISH, CHICK AND JOEY ‘HITMAN’CAPPY. ( Kluz shot 84-80 with 5 birdies on the BLACK COURSE.) Oh, he’s ONLY a 19 handicap!!!!!!!!!! Like I said, some of this is FANTASY!

        The SHITASSES, led by SNOOT DOGGY DOG and inc. KAPALUA, BOYNIE and OUTLAW JOSEY MAN fought valiantly but couldn’t overcome Johnny 2-shots play.

         2018 was no different for Johnny 2-Shots, which means we will NEVER play another event with his ass at STREAMSONG…… In our 1st appearance there in 2013, JK makes his now-famous Hole-In-2. ( his first shot was from the wrong tees, so he backs up and holes it from the back tees)  Of course, after he pocketed $1200 from the boys, ( after a much heated discussion whether it was or wasn’t a Hole In One ) he paid for dinner…..$1450. OUCH! HE DESERVED IT !  So, Kluzie shoots 90-78, this year, which inc. 2 birdies and an Eagle on 18 on the same BLACK course he torched last year, en route to a WDI record +20. He, alone beat the MOFOS. That’s 7 birds and an Eagle in 2 rounds on BLACK.!!!!!!! And he’s a 23 handicap!!!!!!!!!!!

         Incidentally, for the record, the SHITASS team of KLUZ, KAPALUA, BOYNIE, BRONECK, JOEBOB and ROBBOB had a 2-day total of +24 compared to the MOFO record of -10. ONLY a 34 point bashing!  Captain SNOOTER dejectedly looked at his team ( BMAC, JAKE, GOLDIE, NECK and JOSEYMAN) and said, ” Do you think we could have won if we had not paid the ransom to the ninjas? And played without Goldie and Outlaw?” ( who were still chatting about Trump’s twittering and the recent drop in the stock market) End of story!…………………………… Happy 25 years to the WDI….and to the SNOOT, in it’s 12th year. This year, it coincides with Bobby Weed’s charity tourney, HEAL, to benefit autistic kids.

      SNOOT dates are Feb. 21-24, 2019 in Ponte Vedra….play the Valley Course at TPC; Ocean Course at Ponte Vedra and 3 quality evenings: one at TPC CLubhouse; one at Ponte Vedra and of course Sat. nite at the infamous Weed Camp on the St John’s River! What a weekend!! See you there!

Yours in sports,

Wick E. Wiley

                             SCORES

SHITASSES                                      MOFOS

KLUZ…90..78  ( +19 )                                 SNOOT…87-79 ( +3)

ROBBOB 94-96  ( -6)                                 JAKE..75-82 ( +1)

KAPALUA…82-85 ( +5)                              NECK…91-87 (+5)

BOYNIE…87-91  (+6)                                 ANDY..89-90 ( -1)

BRONECK..78-82 ( +7)                              BMAC…99-101 (-11)

JOEBOB…88-97 ( -6)                                 JOSEYMAN..98 (-7)

BRIGGSIDE BOUNCES BACK TO TAKE

WDI TOURNEY AT HIS HOME COURSE IN CANTON

by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

       The scene was out of an old QuentinTarantino movie, with half a hundred, homely Ohio patrons, wearing their bib overhauls with JOHN DEERE baseball caps looking on, as the Black-robed monk, snatched the blue embroidered skull cap off the Jakester’s head ( which had a swell white JHS on the back of it ) and banished him from the beautiful grounds of the Beltram Inn @ Glenmoor. He also took back the cheesy Glenmoor key chain with the bottle opener on one end.

“Sorry, pal…you suck!” exclaimed Brother Bruce. ” You coulda been a contenda…you coulda been someone, ” continued Brucie, in his best New Joisey accent. ” But, you couldn’t win at Briggside two years in a row and you couldn’t beat the large-headed man.”  ” Now, ..looking pissed..”.we don’t gotta skull cap that fits his mammoth head.” We gotta find 3 cows to get enough material!!!!”

The reason for this unceremonios ceremony, was the playing of the 48th WDI toonamint…..in the 25th year anniversary of the WDI…..held at Briggside CC in historic Canton, Ohio. The pros played 2 rounds there and 0ne round at a privately based IMG course called Sand Ridge, just outside Cleveland.( Thanks to Briggsey’s agent Big Mac MacCormack Jr.)

This reporter also attended the Champion’s Dinner held on Thursday nite at famous BENDER’S restaurant in Canton. Constructed in 1899 and opened in 1902, it was named a historic site…..and was the site of the original meeting of the NFL owners. ( The NFL was founded at Benders in 1920 as the American Professional Football Association, APFA, with 10 teams from 4 States. The name was changed to NFL in 1922)

Present at the restaurant, chowing down on Jakester’s menu that nite of oysters, Walleye pike and thick T-Bones were the Final WDI combatants:

BRIGGSIDE, JACKSIDE (HIS BRO), fiery JOEBABBO, fan fav KAPALUA, the one and only SNOOT DOGGY-DOG, da JAKESTER and ageless BOYNIE!!! Some were already in a zombie like state…and some were already SNOOTFACED. Can u name them???

BUT, they all had made the cut and were looking forward to the final 2 rounds of golf…some standing with their gin and tonics’, gesturing and finger-pointing……..” I am taking you Briggsides down tomorrow”, yelled da Jakester. “The hell you are”, replied an obviously irked Briggside. ” me and my Bro are kicking ur Tampa asses back down to hot, humid Florida.”

AND, while the large-headed man DID just that, JACKSIDE slipped a tad, shooting 85-91-81 to come in ‘dead last’….He had begun the tourney in good fashion, fighting gallantly, but flattened out like an Ohio Indian summer.

BOYNIE, had started play nicely, but then he saw mirages of Russian caddies milling around…lost his nerve, then his game on 3 consecutive 9s, before coming back on the last day. He even won 4-skin(s). Get it?

JOEBABBO, had leapt out of the gate on Thursday, hot as a Ohio firecracker at +1, tied for 2nd place with Kapalua, and only 2 points behind Briggside….but sleeping by himself with no spooning effectively shut him down. He came in 4th.

SNOOTER, meanwhile, got off to his usual slow start, but after quaffing 6 Jessies on the last day at Briggside, had 3 Birdies and an Eagle on 17. Deja vu? He also had an eagle on 17 on the last day, the year before. You could hear the cheers from the raucous Ohio crowd as he swiftly moved up the Leaderboard.

But, how about the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian..KAPAFRICKINGLUA!!! Forgotten by the press…shunned by his peers ( Joe and Mary ), beset with back…hip…leg…arm….injuries and bucking 100-1 odds, he started out tied for 2nd with Joebob, but just couldn”t close the deal on the Final Day. He kept the large headed man in his periphery all day long, which isn’t hard to do, if u know what I mean. But he shot 81 on the 7400 yard course to finish 2nd at +3. He credits the daily morning yoga classes, clad in matching leopard skin T-backs, with Boynie as his jumpstart. Not a very nice visual!

AND who is left standing? JAKE and BRIGGSIDE, playing like condemned men…matching each other birdie for birdie, until one of them got BRIGGSIDED!!!! JAKE had won the 2017 CANTON WDI , by beating crowd fav and local son, BRIGGSIDE in a spectacular ‘Duel in the Shade”  over 3 days +4 to +3. And was crowned by Brother Brucie later that summer day at Glenmoor.

That defeat had hounded BRIGGSIDE for the past year…..hearing snickering in the Men’s Grill….seeing other golfers/friends purposely avoid his glare……having less important duffers who had feared BRIGGSEY now intentionally block his golf cart….and laugh about it. And didn’t see a pissed off Gabriela for 3 months!

Instead of spiraling out of control, like in year’s past, and drinking too much, smoking too much and hanging out in transgender joints too much….BRIGGSEY got pissed! Using an aging Harry Smith as his trainer…and working out 1-2 days every other month…..he got into BRIGGS-LIKE shape. By the start of the toonamint…he was frickin’ ready!  His rounds of 76..80 and 73 along with 5 birds a round ‘sealed the deal.”

AND although the Award ceremony was post-poned due to unavailable XXXL skull caps….he already got his measure of revenge and with a smirk on his face grabbed JACKSIDE and said, ” We’re going to DENNY’S you MOFOS!!!!!!

So there you have it, you CNN fans, perverts and Russian boys and girls of tender age…..another great journalistic piece from yours truly. Hoepfully, this time I win the frickin Pulitzer…it’s about time.

Yours in golf,

Wick E. Wiley

SCORES

1. Briggside 76–80–73  +8
2. Kapalua  84..85..81    +3
3. Snoot      85..85..81    -7
4. Joebob    86..92..90    -10
5. Jake        82..78..85    -13
6. Bern        93..100..94  -13
7. Jackside  85..91..81   – 14

by Wick E Wiley, ESPN Editor

          At the end of the day ( Saturday), in the communal showers at the SPA at STREAMSONG,  the WDI boys were licking their wounds and  examining their many BLACK and BLUE bruises, after playing the NEW BLACK COURSE @ STREAMSONG.  Sounds very SANDUSKY-LIKE? But, not to worry. It’s just that the WDIers are a close-knit lot! And the luxury-dual shower heads, and the  rain-fall pressurized, private stalls were included in the golf package. As were the hot and cold running maids……..

        In one corner of the spa, you could see a wet rat-like Kapalua showing off his epidural scar to anyone who dared to look…or Boynie, sitting on a shower stool examining water-smeared X-Rays of his painful feet…….or the short, stodgy Cuban Pygmy, shouting at the top of his lungs about” SHRINKAGE” and no-one bothering to cast a glare….or the MOFO Captain Kluzie, unsuccessfully wrapping and re-wrapping his damaged left ankle, “Hey it’s not sticking!”, yelled Kluz over the din of water falling and heavy humidic heat. But, his teammate, the Fish, who thrives in this type of watery environment, came to his rescue with waterproof adhesive band-aids…..and then swam away! Then, there was a naked Joseyman, ( not a pretty sight ) sipping and tasting several bottles of very ‘hot’ and steamy Cakebread Cabernet, even tho they had been spoiled from being stored in 100 and over degree temps and finally one found a very relaxed Joey Cappy, listening to  I-Tunes on a cell that, hopefully for him was waterproof.

While it looked like the BLACK and BLUE courses of Streamsong beat up the boys pretty bad…….. the scores didn’t reflect it. Captain Kluz of the MOFO team, played like Jordan Spieth, shooting 84-80 along with a record-tying 5 birdies on the tough BLACK course…but didn’t finish the last 8 holes, due to injury. Calls to Joe Hodge at PC regarding Kluz’s handicap, went un-answered.

And just the day before on the BLUE course, an aging but proud Snoot Doggy Dog and SHITASS Captain, shot 74 with 5 birdies tying the WDI record for birdies in a round, set by Mike ” Neck ” Nectarine up at the Fortress in Frankenmeuth 10 years ago. Multiple cries of ” Sit on that big hog.” emanated throughout Streamsong resort which resulted in a horde of blue-haired ladies heading over to the 18th hole of the BLUE. SNOOT saw them coming and ran!………… They played the Blue from 6285 yards, except the par 5s, which were played one tee forward. Same with Black course, except it was a par 73 with 5 par 5s…..6240 yards.

This toonamint was originally set with 12 players, in a father-son setting. But mysterious injuries to both Jake and Joebob, DQed both of them , including JB’s son Robbob and Ryan Cappy from the outing. No one really knows how Joebob, who broke his left wrist and Jake who suffered an ACL tear to his right knee, were injured. This reporter received a tip, however, from a reliable source, that intimated that these lads were seen in an inebriated state leaving Mons Venus around Halloween, with a couple babes in hand. Annnnnd, that the babes turned out to be ……transgenders. Which, ultimately led to a nasty scrape in the parking lot of Mons. Luckily, they were spirited away by local passer-bys, before the poo-lice showed up and ended up at St. Joe ER.  Robbob and Ryan were the beneficiaries of their disqualification.

There is, also, a bit of discrepancy as to WHICH team won the Mini-Ryder Cup. It involves Joey ( Cappy) and Josey ( Outlaw Josey-man ) Note : the only difference in both names is the S in Josey’s. So, at the Eyetalian Kick-Off Party, when the names were drawn RANDOMLY, were the names CORRECTLY chosen? The reason: MOFO team was +21 with Joey and the SHITASS team was +9 with Josey. If Joey was on the SHITASS team and Josey on the MOFOs, the score would be MOFOS +5 and the SHITASSES +25. At this point, Commisioner Kapalua has decreed that an Executive Board Meeting be held to discuss this snafu, and vote on which team was victorious. Plenty of $$$ depends on the RIGHT call!

And everyone knows what is going to happen?  Either Alabama OR Ohio State?

Yours in sports,

Kapalua……………………And the Committee rules as follows!!!!!!!

 WINNERS: SHITASSES

CAPT SNOOT…74-81….+11

BOYNIE………….91-86….+9

JOEY C………….100-93…+5

KAPALUA……….90-82……0

LOSER: MOFOS

CAPT. KLUZ……84-80….+16

FISH………………..89-93….+1

CHICK……………..82-85…..-1

JOSEYMAN………96-96…..-11

JAKE THE SNAKE WIGGLES BY
BRIGGSEY TO WIN
THE 45TH OHIO WDI
AT BRIGGSIDE CC
by Wick E. Wiley

It was a welcome relief—-60-70 degree Ohio weather without humidity, replacing the sweltering inferno of Tampa Bay. Can u imagine sitting around a firepit in Tampa? NO, but the boys sat around one, nightly in OHIO. Five grizzled ‘vets’ of the WDI ( Kapalua, Snooter, Joebob, Boynie and Jakester) had been invited by Briggsey, to play the famous 1921 designed Donald Ross course, BROOKSIDE, ( aka Briggside) in Canton, Ohio, along with bro, Jack and good friend Keith Hiatt. ( Hiatt had to WD at the last minute due to his sister’s wedding the day before…which he had forgotten….too bad! ) BROOKSIDE CC is a grand old Ross design, which features many undulating greens with false fronts and quick as quicksilver. It hosted the 2012 Ohio Amateur, as well as many US Open Sectional Qualifiers in the past. This core of WDIers had played together in NW Ireland ( at Carne, Enniscrone, Connemara, County Sligo and Doonbeg ) in Sept 2008 at the same time as the Great Recession struck the US.
Hedging bets, giving away silver ( dollars ) and digging deep into their pockets in Ireland, set the tone in 08 for many years to come….. back in the Sunshine State and elsewhere when they returned. MELON HEAD, as some golf writers affectionately referred to him, had captured that toonamint with scores in the 70s in all 5 rounds. However, Commissioner Kapalua, had taken away his trophy due to unpublicized bathroom irregularities at various public restrooms in Ireland and wouldn’t elaborate.
Devastated by that decision and pending legal action, Mr. POTATO HEAD started to spiral downward….his golf game in tatters. Failing to make the cut at the El Paso Armadillo Open, Briggsey bottomed out! But in 2015, with help from some friends and Gabriella, he pulled himself together…. went from 10 Vodkas a day to 8, worked out for 10 minutes a week and stopped dating transgenders. As a result, he was fine-tuned for the OHIO WDI in 2017.
But lurking in the shadows was a fine-tuned KAPALUA. Having led the Austin WDI on DAY 2 in April 2017, all the way to a convincing victory for an All-time WDI record 7 wins, he was uncharacteristically over confident. ” I’m taking the Ohio Buckeye WDI, just like the GATORS did in 06 baby!” Ahem, even though he shot in the high 80’s in Canton, he went from FIRST to WORST, and for the 1st time ever, finished last! OUCH!
JOEBOB, who had tied Kapalua for 1st place in Scotland last August, in the Father-Son WDI, had fallen off the cart with his golf game soon thereafter, but managed to right the ship in recent months at Palma Ceia. He was battle-tested and confident in his game , even though he would be rooming alone and not able to ‘spoon’ with perennial roomie Kap. BOYNIE, now playing at a 20 CAP ( GASP) and berated by other WDIers on a daily basis for it, and rightly so…….had also staged a small comeback from a 21 and had his eyes set on another WDI Championship! He was going back to Buckeye Country, where he had matriculated back in the 40’s.
JACK BRIGGS, aka Humpty in Ireland, was a solid 9-10, drank good whiskey, smoked Cuban cigars and was a neat fit-in to the WDI mode, which was……… drinking whiskey, smoking Cuban cigars and oh, eating gourmet meals. Plus, he was a good, game guy. But, alas, he faltered on this weekend as well, even though he shot out of the gate with 83-83.
Infamous golfer, SNOOT DOGGY DOG, was a betting favorite, not to win…..but how many times could he lose either his glasses…hat…camera….phone, etc. The Ohio bookies had him at 5-2 to lose ‘something, and he covered’……..and with his recent purchase of new Ping I-200 irons, he was playing like a man possessed. He had the MOST magical moments on the neatly-manicured BRIGGSIDE course and of his aging career. While he shot a mediocre 87-89 on the 1st 2 days, his playing partner Kapalua told him as they were coming off the 16th green.on DAY 2……”YOU SUCK!!!! That’s all he had to hear as he not only BIRDIED 17 and 18, both par 5s, but both were NDs ( N……Dicks ) And then to punctuate a great weekend…….he EAGLED 17 on Sunday to join that ‘elite’ group of WDI Eaglers ( led by Hayes, Briggs, Joebob and Bolter….maybe Jake and maybe Johhny “2-shots” Kluz) The crowd went crazy after the Eagle and roared louder as Snoot pretended to masturbate his putter. And boy, did the cart cracks swoon! WAT DA WA!!!
OK, while that was DAY 3, DAY 2 was memorable in it’s own way. After Round 2, the group went to 102 year-old famous, BENDER’S ( MEN’S CLUB) restaurant in downtown Canton. Back in 1920, this was where a few footballers got together and gave birth to the NFL. Ever hear of the Canton Bulldogs? Probably not! Over appetizers of oyster, clams and calamari and entrees of Wall-Eyed Pike, Dover Sole and Turtle Soup, the boys ate and drank like NFLers. Actually, a few of them visited the Hall of Fame there in Canton that morning before golf and said it was fabulous. Sort of like the Titantic museum in Belfast, with those touch screens and holographs. Ironically, as Kap, Boynie and Jake toured the building, they were often interrupted by autograph seekers and back slapped numerous times. Guess they looked like aging NFLers? Boynie reminded everyone of Y A Tittle…Kapalua….Frank Gifford and Jake….Johnny U!
Back to Sunday’s climatic final 9 holes ( they played 27 holes for the toonamint and even had an ’emergency’ 9 scramble, after their Saturday afternoon round.) Both the Snake and the Melon Head were tied +3 after the 1st round and Snake had a 1 point lead +2 to +1 going into Sunday’s final 9 holes. Boynie was at 0 and lurking, but could never find his game, continually ‘rocking the baby.’ And the baby was getting a little nauseous!!
That left Snake and Briggsey going toe to toe…mano y mano! Overflow crowds of young Ohioan babes, gray haired ladies and guys in overhalls with tractor hats, followed this group around shouting, ” Go get him Snake”…..You da man Cabeza Melon.’ The course was pristine with as many false fronts as offshore Bahama bank accounts.. If you didn’t hit it flush, you were 40-50 feet down the slippery slope. But, both ex-champs parlayed their chipping and putting skills, shooting 38 for Jake and 39 for Briggsey and….. a close 2 shot victory for the Snake. …..his 4th WDI crown.
Later that morning at the Awards ceremony at beautiful Bertram Inn @ Glenmore,( where the boys stayed) a 1930 vintage Gothic style building which bears the aura of a highland Scottish castle set on rolling green hills, and inhabited by monks back in the day…… there were many emotional moments. One in particular was when Joebob left 6 hours before his flight departed because he didn’t want to be late( the Akron-Canton airport is 10 minutes away ) Another was watching Jack, Boynie and Joebob polish off 3 hot dogs….before they ate a huge lunch. Jake wore a monk’s skull cap ( his award ) and accepted the accolades with aplomb. ” Thanks to all the monks that have lived, prayed and played here. I came to Briggseys backyard and pulled out an ‘upset.’ To which the large head replied, ” Suck on a big one, Jake. The cream rises to the top, baby! Rematch”…..
And there you have it, sportsfans, perverts and MOFOs everywhere, the 45th WDI dating back to 1994 , when Jake was in diapers and Briggsey’s head hadn’t started to grow into what it is today. Next year, the 25th year anniversary WDI will be going somewhere special…..this writer will keep you updated.

Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley

SCORES
1. JAKE 76..79..38……+3
2. BRIGGSEY 75..77..39…..+1
3. BOYNIE 90..93..46…….0
4. SNOOTER 87..89..39…..-4
5. JACK BRIGGS 83..83..44…..-5
6. JOEBOB 93..89..46…..-8
7. KAPALUA 89..88..44….-9