( Due to the many issues surrounding the 2012 WDI at Innisbrook….3 major stories/issues are headlined below. Thank you for your patience and understanding)
NOV 2012 WDI @ INNISBROOK
( in order of importance )
THE RISE AND FALL OF THE ONCE GREAT SNOOT DOGGY DOG…………THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF THE BRONECK………..CRAZED CZECH CLUZ CLOBBERS CHUMPS AT COPPERHEAD
By Wick Wiley, Senior Sports Editor ESPN
The patrol cars were out by early dawn……the large search parties also SPREAD out all across Collier County, checking all dumpsites, lakes and thick wooded areas. The crackling of police radios with APBs alerted every swinging police dick of the disappearance of a VIB….very important Broneck.
One by one, on Friday morning the tips came in: Broneck was seen hawking “hooters” at a Palm Beach “Hooters”; someone saw him getting a lap dance at Mons Venus in Tampa; and another had him flying as a co-pilot on a suspected drug smuggling op out of Colombia. ERGO The question on DAY ONE at the 64th WDI Tourney in beautiful Innisbrook was ” Where the fuck is Broneck?” ( Actually it was also the question on DAY 2 and DAY 3 as well )
His mysterious disappearance and the injured reserve staus of his brother, Little Clam Neck, were the biggest pre-tournament stories of this past week. Overshadowing, so it seemed the great play of the Crazed Czech Cluz, as well as the play of the other schmoos, in this last Major of the Year.
Of course, the Snoot-Dog would have loved no reporters/photographers to be in his vicinity on the final day. NO ONE, in a range of 250 yards in ALL directions was safe from this now fading, former WDI star. For instance, if he was teeing off on No. 1…..golfers on 10 tee; cart cracks on #2 fairway; waiters in Packard’s fine restaurant; joggers running near the 10th green on the Island Course and birds and small animals everywhere were in imminent danger!!!
Slicing and dicing his way to a front nine 53, he did manage to right the ship on the back for a 41 ( 94 ). But the damage had been done. Snooter went from near contention in 3rd place to being very contentious, and out of the tournament and in 5th place. PER QUA??? No one really knows——-was it the 4 grande triple espressos, no foam ( hold the mayo ) he quaffed down every morning OR was it the poisonous venom ( aka Kettle One ) made with Bloody Mary mix, Cranberry juice or hell, just straight OR simply put, was it a brain fart—that non-smelly, yet lethal loss of ALL athletic functions when it comes to swinging a large club-like object at a small white ball. NO ONE KNOWS ( but it could be all 3 )
Kluz was “happy as a pig in shit” that the media/press was focusing their energies to a missing Broneck and Snoot’s missing swing. He quietly posted an 88 on Thursday afternoon, good enough for a 1st round lead tied with the Floundering Grouper @ -3; then kept his position on the lead through the weekend even with uncharacteristic bad slices, poor chipping and lousy putting ( WTF…..HE WON ???? ) to an overall victory at -1.
Tilapia-Man couldn’t sustain his start…..as he fell to 2d on Friday at the Island and then, his gills full of Cakebread Cab, ruptured on the South Course ( 101) sending him free-falling to 5th place and out of contention as well. He recovered on Sunday to shoot 89, and come in 4th place…..he also won the 2MAN ALL WEEK bet with Kluz. Angry fans were yelling….. Charlie—–you big Tuna!!!!
And what about the pre-tourney favorites: Chickamauga and that good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua? Kap started out of the gate, quickly, which is his M. O., with a 86 and (-4 ) tied for 2d with Snooter. But feeling the repercussions of eating 13 ganja-laced brownies, he imploded on Friday……shooting 95 and sending shock waves to his many fans and fannies. Young, tasty t-backed, teens were tearing up w/ purple -stained mascara running down their cheeks. Kap, however, found his game ( laddie ) on the weekend and shot 84–84 to come in 3rd, one shot behind the Chickmunk.
The Chickmunk, however, dug himself a deep hole ( that he couldn’t climb out of…..being only 4 foot 1)…… with a 85 on Thursday and was last at -8. But,after a sterling 75 on the South Course on Saturday, he was inching up the leaderboard and was only 5 stokes back of Kluz in 2d place going into the finale on Sunday. Lack of stamina caused by 3 sleepless nites, thanks to Snoot’s snoring, nightmares consisting of astronauts smothering him and lack of consistent play on Sunday at Copper doomed his chances…..as he wound up 2nd… seven strokes back of Kluz.
He immediately left the course POed….bypassing the trophy presentation clusterfuck on the 18th green and headed for the nearest Olive Garden, to 1. drown his sorrows with a couple strong Arnold Palmers and 2. get the Early Bird Special for Seniors.( the poor guy has to eat earlier than Neck )
P.F. Chang ( aka Paul Par ) was vying to become 2012 Rookie of the Year, but tried a little bit too hard and took way too many catcalls from the gallery for General Zuos Chicken, which really pissed him off. This writer thinks that the episode of him going into the crowd at 17th green with his 6 iron, probably blew his chances for the award. Or was it due to too many Gran Mariners?????
Joebabbo, actually got of to a semi- good start on Thursday with an 90 for a -5 and 3rd place. But after being informed that NO Eyetalian food would be served for Thursday nites dinner…..he became belligerent; then irritable; then utterly disconsolate. His score on the Islands Course on Friday ( 105 ) reflected his mood; destroyed his confidence and he limped in at 6th place with a -23 overall. Even spooning with his roomie, Kapalua, couldn’t cheer him up!!
The Kluzster was basking in the limelight of his 2nd consecutive WDI victory answering questions by sportswriter, celebrities and bimbos and pretty much becoming everyone’s NEW bestest friend. ALL the companies were there fawning all over him with new endorsements: Nike, Callaway, Trojan, Viagra, 2 Gay Men and a Truck and AA.
“Excuse me Johnny Boy, ” ( you know after Johnny Football ) said the buxom blonde babe from the Golf Channel, “Can you 3-peat at Streamsong next year?” “Are you kidding me, ” laughed Kluz, “those schmoos are dead meat! I’m going for history, baby!!!”
A slumped over Snoot-Dog, hurriedly walked to his ’96 VW Jetta ( his sponsors had quickly repossessed his nice new Jeep, after he 3-putted 18 ) leering at the masses surrounding Glamor-Boy Kluz, as he jealously called him…….and winced. Then he yelled to the crowd…and as they turned to face him, Snoot took his broken putter, mimicked masterbating it and shot a big wad of flem from his mouth….And said, “SIT ON THIS BIG FAT HOG, YOU MOFOS ”
As Snoot sped out of Innisbrook, followed closely by 6 Innisbrook Security vehicles and 5 Pinellas County Impound vans……no one noticed a short, elderly Germanic man wearing a faded yellow WDI cap, walking through the Innisbrook gate, carrying his sticks and looking thoroughly fatigued. He also looked remarkably like a Nuechterlein…………………………..
Yours in Sports,
Wick E. Wiley
P.S. See you all at Streamsong on Feb. 7, 2013 for the 1st Major of 2013….and toasting Honorary WDI member Kevin Probst. No one has WON 3 in a row. Can Kluz do it? Past history has shown 5 players w/consecutive victories…..but no 3-peat. BOLT did it twice in 99 ( Ireland) and 01 Scotland ( No tourney in 00 due to WWII ) and 05 Bandon Dunes and 06 Casa de Campo. KAPALUA in 06 Michigan and 07 Pinehurst; FISH 08 Bay Hill and Southern Hills, Tulsa and THE DUKE 09 Alabama and MIchigan. And of course Kluz.
FINAL TALLY
1. KLUZ……89..87..87..88 -1
2. CHICK….86..85..75..82 -8
3. KAPALUA. 86..95..84..84 -9
4. FISH ……..92..92..101..89 -13
5. SNOOT…86..93..83..96 -17
6. JOEBOB.90..105..86..96 -23
7. PAUL PAR.95..99..95..97 -25
8. BRONECK …………….86 DQed
2MAN ALL WEEK
1. FISH AND KLUZ…..-20
2. kAP AND SNOOT…-25
3. CHICK AND JOEBOB..-29
4. FLYNN AND BRONECK…-35