KRAFTY VETS KAPALUA AND BRONECK BATTLE TO A TIE ( AGAIN )
AT 2013 MICHIGAN WDI
( FRANKENMUTH FIEND BUSTED BY WDI ROOKIES )
BY WICK E. WILEY, ESPN SPORTS EDITOR

The struggle was over in less than a minute—the wounded, scowling man lay in a heap looking up through glazed eyes as his victors glared downward. JOHN WAYNE GACY, the Chicago serial killer, had made a poor choice–he hit on the young kid, Goldilox from Chitown. GACY had done it before, countless times……….ferret out the young plump ones, but, alas he had bad eyesight ( Goldilox is 43, not 13 ) and he had seriously underestimated Goldy’s Korean sidekick…Genghis Hong! With a well-placed leg kick, Genghis ( aka I Like Ike ) had laid out the big 240 pound pervert, by severely relocating GACY’S left knee joint in Joe Theisman-like manner.

GACY was immediately taken into custody by the Frankenmuth Police Force ( all 2 of them ). Mayor Mike “Neck” Nectarine, in a hastily scheduled news conference, while eating a sliver of the city’s famous apple strudel, praised the police: “Guten Morgen, townspeople….And a hearty thank-you to Frankenmuth’s Finest, Andy and Barney for taking that low-life into custody and off the streets of lovely Frankenmuth. Now, I have to leave this fair city and compete in the 35th WDI Invitational, which, by the way, starts today. I leave the mayoral reins to my boys, Ben and Mack, who will watch and growl over our city, until I return triumphant” BARK…BARK …BARK

The ONLY problem was that young Mayor Neck did not return the coveted WDI Cup to Frankenmuth…….BUT he came awfully close!!!

After shooting a blistering 79 ( with 5 birdies, a WDI record ) at the beautiful Fortress of Correigidor, he led by 9 stokes, after the 1st round, over untested rookie Goldilox….+11 to +2. To the other 6 players—-it seemed and felt like the Bataan Death March. Broneck was 3rd at -1; Snoot was 4th at -2; Kapalua and Fish tied for 5th at -3; Boynie next at -6 and the rookie pervert-slayer, I Like Ike, last at -11. It seemed like the tourney was over..done deal…finite, but after DAY 2 and 3 at Tullymore, about 2 hours west of Frankenmuth in a secluded wooded section of Central Michigan ( funny, aren’t ALL Michigan courses in secluded wooded sections? ) the Neck’s game was ALL OVER the frickin place. Notwithstanding that, it seemed like his game had steadied. He still had the lead, but it had dwindled down to +5.

His famous WWII and Korean vet brother, Broneck….was staying close in 2d at level par (0), while the Good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua, was making his famous charge at Tullymore, with help from Cap’s Cuties, his faithful group of tittie dancers from Club Cheetah ( 83..84 ) to close at -6 and 3rd place, 11 shots behind the Little Clam Neck and perhaps a number too great to overcome?? ………NOT!!! More later on this subject. ESPN asked 2d place Broneck how he felt about his game at this juncture…to which he replied” JUST TERRIFIC!” And everyone’s fav, including the cart cracks, Snoot Doggy Dog, shot respectably ( 87–87 ) to fall to 4th place. Goldilox’s early good play diminished, especially after ALL the media calls to him about the Frankenmuth episode: “Frankly” said Goldy, ” I was getting fed-up with ALL those asinine questions from the media. Especially, why GACY targeted me…….what am I a plump chicken, for crying out loud? OY VAY… He fell to -16 and 6th place, never smelling the lead again!

His roomie and rookie bud, I LIKE IKE, however, loved the media attention and played more betterer, shooting in the low 90s to climb out of last place. ” When I started this tourney, I wanted to get off to a good start. As the Korean proverb goes, SHIJAK BANIDA,” A good start is important to any effort. ” And I especially loved kicking GACY’S perverted ass!!!” Needless to say, ESPN loved this guy and ate up his quotes. The large Tilapia, however, and wingman Boynie, continued to spiral downward on the narrow Tullymore’s fairways and elevated tee boxes. Rumors of bad-smelling RED TIDE on the back nine at St. Ives were proven to be true, while others spied a broken gyro-scope with Jewish inscriptions laying on the 18th green. OY VAY!

Moving day was Thursday, August 29 @ fabled Oakland Hills, site of so many US Opens, PGAs, US Amateurs ( inc. the 2014 US Am) and a Ryder Cup. The Neck brothers, anxious to get an early start……….slept in their cars in the Oakland Hills parking lot and were seen practicing their putting and chipping at 5:15 am. With a 5 stroke lead over his older brother and 11 strokes over a hard-charging Kapalua, the Neck was still supremely confident…….maybe a little bit OVERCONFIDENT!!!

BECAUSE, when Day 4 was in the books, ESPN was there to catch the collapse of the decade——-some say reminiscent of Greg Norman’s at the Masters in the 90’s. And it wasn’t pretty for the other boys as well. EXCEPT, for the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua who bogeyed 18 for a frickin 80 and a +6 day!!! The Neck had set another WDI record ( but one he’d wish he never had ) and had fallen from 1st at +5 to 3rd at -12, in the blink of a morning. Broneck posted a 90 and also dived from 0 to -8, but was still in 2d place. His score and position would prove important as the next day would show. The Neck brothers were now chasing the good-looking, sweet-swinging PR, Kap who was now the leader at level par…0. ( While Fish and Broneck both shot 90, everyone else shot in the high 90s……including a despondent Snooter) Were the short-sheeted beds finally catching up with the Snoot-Dog? ” Geez Kap”( his roomie ), replied a tired and crampy Snoot, ” my legs have been hurting me all week and I’m really tired.” All Kap could do was turn away and let out a guffaw!

That night @ Gandy Dancer, an elegant restaurant in the beautifully restored Ann Arbor Train Depot and known for creative preparations of whitefish, sole and salmon……it seemed like the boys had hit the wall. Only imbibing small amounts of alcohol and ordering 6 appetizers, instead of 8 and trying to avoid the menacing fork of the Little Clam Neck, they were tapped and tired……..but had ONE more course to play……the Allistair McKenzie designed Univ. of Michigan golf course built in 1931.

Kap started OK with a 3 putt bogey on One, then inexplicably started leaking large amounts of oil and listing heavily to starboard, shooting 48 on the front 9, before snapping out of his funk to shoot 42 on the back for his highest score of the week (90). When he bogeyed 18 from 3 feet….Kap had thought he might have blown it, but learned that Broneck also had bogeyed 18. Bro had shot a sterling 83 and met his quota on the number to finish at -8…….the same number that Kap had after a rough morning round (-8) AND the same way they finished at Bay Hill in May 2005. ( they both bogeyed 18 at Bay Hill also)

Later at the Awards ceremony on the 18th green of the Blue Course at U of M, hundreds of tasty-looking coeds were thronging the green hoping to catch a glimpse of the sliver haired Champs. Snoot Dog, the MC for the ceremony, thanked the large crowd/fannies, the WDI officials, and the competitors and then turned to the MVK ( Most Valuable Korean ) of the toonamint, I Like Ike, and in his best Korean dialect said, smilingly, what amounted to: YOU ARE LOOKING AT A MAN WHO CAN RUN YOU THROUGH WITH A SWORD WITHOUT BATTING A EYE. ….WHOOPS—-wrong Korean proverb Snoot!!!

The crowd gasped as I Like Ike picked Snoot up, twirling him around like a baton, say, 3 or 4 times before heaving him into nearby scrubby underbush. Kapalua, sweating heavily and sensing a fate worse than Snoot’s, repeatedly kept looking at his Korean notes, held up his hand to quiet the crowd…..then in HIS best Korean dialect said, something like this……….WEONSUNGIDO NAMUSEO DDEOLEOJINDA…WHICH TRANSLATED I THINK MEANS…. Even Monkeys may fall from trees”. A battered and short Snoot ( he was now down to 5’5″ due to his sheet shortening) looked up from the underbrush and said, ” Did that MOFO just call me a monkey?”

Broneck, the cagey vet, after seeing all this go down, turned and said ” Brother where art thou”….From out of nowhere, came the short, aging, but once QB leader of the Frankenmuth Eagles back in the early 50s, who like a fullback, led Broneck through the agitated crowd into an awaiting 1969 Frankenmuth Police Cruiser, covered with’ We Like Mike’ mayoral signs. This startled I Like Ike who, at first thought the car was his. Pissed that it wasn’t….he started running toward it! ESPN reporters, kept the microphone in Broneck’s face, repeatedly asking him how he felt after tying for the championship and his 2d Major…..Finally, as he prepared to enter the police car, Broneck turned to the reporter closest to him, saw a charging I Like Ike and simply said, “JUST TERRIFIC”! Unsubstaniated witnesses say they saw a worn-out, but in tip-top shape Genghis Hong give up the chase right outside Detroit Airport, about 30 miles away, as the Neck bros exhaled a huge sigh of relief.

So there you have it boys and girls, especially the Michigan coeds……another great WDI finish with no, I repeat no DWIs! Hope to see you all at the 20th Anniversary N. Ireland WDI in August 2014 and perhaps a spring WDI at another exciting venue before that!

Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley

FORTRESS ST. IVES TULLYMORE OAKLAND HILLS UNIV. OF MICH STARTING HCP. ENDING HCP.
1. KAPALUA 87 84 84 80 90 11 11
1. BRONECK 84 81 84 91 83 10 12
3. NECK 79 91 82 99 87 13 17
4. BOYNIE 96 96 97 96 89 18 22
5. GOLDILOX 87 99 98 96 98 16 21
5. I LIKE IKE 99 92 96 96 95 16 21
7. FISH 88 95 95 90 98 13 19
8. SNOOT 84 87 87 98 96 9 16