The WDI was officially recognized as a professional tour by the ” King ” in a moving, secret ceremony in his private, plush office at Bay Hill C. C. last week. Wearing his official WDI tour hat and lapel pin ( sold to him for only $29.95 by Commissioner Kapalua) Mr. Palmer looked up to the unshaven, tobacco chewing 7′ 2″ Duke of Scary (a Frank Nobilo look-alike) and said ” Duke, even though you look like a ‘bochagaloop’, congratulations for winning the 2011 Bay Hill Classic. Now, I have to leave and play a round with REAL golfers.”
The last image you have is of Arnie, straining and dragging the big” bochagaloop”, who is hanging on Arnie’s pants as he was leaving his office…and crying uncontrollaby. Geez, talk about an embarrassing moment. Get a life, Duke!!!!
The 2011 Tourney actually began a couple days earlier at posh Islesworth C.C. in Windermere (home of El Tigre, et al) when Kapalua, Snoot, Duke and Steve-O ( Duke’s assistant and previous WDI participant ) played a practice round with Mark O’Meara and after the round posed for pictures around the now-famous Tiger fire hydrant, that could easily be mistaken for Mike “Neck ” Nectarine ( short, squat and an eye-sore ) Pieces of a Nike 5-iron, mascara, lip gloss and a battered cell-phone could still be seen surrounding the hydrant, as evidence of an affair (s) gone bad.
The next morning, the Executive Committee of the WDI motored down I-4 to Panther Lake @ Orange County National to meet up with the other ‘puds’ for round one. And what a great opening round it was! Pre-tournament favorite—the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican, Hawaiian Kapalua got out of the gates quickly, as is his trademark, shooting a blistering 77 w/ 2 birdies to share the 1st round lead with Everymans “fav”….Snoot Doggy Dog (who shot 78 w/ 3 birdies also at +7)
Duke, meanwhile, parlayed 3 back nine birdies en route to a 73 and third place at +4, while the short, stocky Kraut, Neck, probably playing in his last tournament due to poor play and bad hygiene, surprised the large, unruly crowd with a 84…good enough for 4th place and +2. Overall, their 4-man quota was a WDI record +20!
Once again, their evening at Christini’s Italian Ristorante, proved to be Kapalua’s downfall (and to a few others) After several ‘nice’ martinis, 6 bottles of Amarone wine, delicious gnocchis in a tangy bolognese sauce; remarkably fresh Calamari and succulent osso bucco, that was as tender as a womans’s heart, the night was just getting started. Hung over and feeling like shit is the norm for Day 2 at a WDI Tournament, however. And to boot, they were playing tough Bay Hills for rounds 2 and 3. Whether it was too much booze, indigestion, rainy weather or too little sleep, day 2 was a Mofo.
Duke shot in the 70s again ( 75 ) to take over 1st place and everyone else fell apart ( yeah, yeah, we know…like a cheap suit, etc. etc) Boynie, even with new clubs and a pretty new blue bag, and recently just released from Shankoppotomas Rehab days earlier, went smartly INTO the tank. The Fishman, just couldn’t get his act together and everyone agreed, yes…his game smelled like spoiled mullet. Broneck, who last had a great tounament at Bay Hill in the 50s, hit the ball straight, but couldn’t putt those “hairy-assed” greens. And 2nd time contestant, Sam “The Sham” Duffey lost his Pharoahs early on the front nine and never broke the century mark for his two rounds. Rumors were they had to leave to fly back to Cairo to lead the demonstrations. That was ok for Bay Hill officials, as several hundred white-hooded Pharoahs caused security concerns for the entire tourney. An abundance of falafel, hummus and stinky camel dung permeated the atmosphere.
In the end, while everyone could blame the cold and rainy weather, the slow, hairy-assed greens, arthritis and diarheea; one thing was certain—–it was anybody’s tournament to win on the final day EXCEPT…Boynie, Broneck, Neck, Fish and Sam the Sham!!! However, Kapalua and Snoot-Dog, with their 10 handicaps and acute knowledge of Bay Hill were lurking quietly nearby. Snooter exclaimed, “I can win this thing.I know this course as well as the back of my penis .” To which Kapalua shouted, ” C’mon Snoot, put that vienna sausage back in your pants, before someone sees it.” Good thing they weren’t roommates!!!!!!!!!!
Notwithstanding the final drama, the Duke seemed detached from the play by grinding on every hole, and focusing on holding the coveted pewter cup by day’s end. Given erroneous information by the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican-Hawaiian on the 15th green, could have been fatal to his attempt. Told by his caddie vis-a-vis Kapalua that he was only ahead by one point and in the fairway bunker on the par-5 16th….the bochagolopop Duke went for the green in two. From 237 yards out , around trees and over water, his 3-wood from the bunker landed on the green 15 feet from the hole…..of course he missed the eagle, but birdied the hole.
Both Snoot and Kap knew it was game-over, but then, it had been since the 9th hole. 3-putts were the norm, when birdies could have made the difference. There was no late charge…no Arnie’s Army…not even the Pharoah’s were around. It was just the big lug, Duke and the coveted cup, again. Yawn……….
SOME QUESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS FROM THE 2011 WDI TOURNEY AT BAY HILL
1. DOES THE NECK NEED SOME ‘ANGER’ MANAGEMENT COURSES SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR RESTAURANT DINING? OR SHOULD HE EAT DINNER SOLO AT 5:30 PM AND GO DIRECTLY TO BED?
2. IS THE LARGE CHILEAN SEA BASS A DONE DEAL AT AGE 76 AFTER HIS 10TH STRAIGHT MISSED CUT AFTER WINNING AT SOUTHERN HILLS IN 1973?
3. CAN THE SHANKAPOTTOMAS AKA BERNIE FIND HAPPINESS IN ANOTHER SPORT, LIKE KNITTING? OR SHOULD WE JUST CHOP OFF HIS ARMS FROM THE SHOULDER?
4. IS SAM THE SHAM CUTTING TIES WITH THE PHAROAHS OR DO THE PHAROAHS JUST WANT TO CUT UP SAM? DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY SAM’S TIME-SHARE IN A ‘NICE’ CAIRO CONDO?
5. AFTER PLAYING LIKE A FUCKING SCHMOO IN HIS FIRST 10 WDI TOUNAMENTS….HOW AND WHY IS THE DUKE OF SCARY SHOOTING HIS HANDICAP AND WINNING? CAN YOU SAY HGH? TESTING WILL BE THE NORM AT ALL FUTURE TOURNEYS….. DUKE ARMSTRONG.
6. WHY WAS SNOOTDOGGY DOG SEEN BUYING ‘EXTEND A PENIS ‘ CREAM AFTER HIS REMARKS ABOUT HIS PENIS? AND CAN ANYONE BREAK THE RECORD OF 53 JESSIES IN ONLY 3 DAYS BY HIM? MAYBE THE SNOOT IN MAY AT SHOAL CREEK?
Maybe the answers to these tough questions will be revealed at the next WDI tourney in Alabama @ Shoal Creek in May 2011. Until then, hit em straight…..see you in Birmingham.
Golfingly yours,
Wick Wiley
TOURNAMENT SCORES
ISLESWORTH PANTHER LAKE BAY HILL BAY HILL
1. DUKE +3…………………………….74 73 75 78
2. SNOOT -3…………………………….84 78 85 86
3. KAPALUA -4…………………………83 77 86 87
4. NECK -6………………………………DNP 84 89 89
5. BOYNIE -9……………………………DNP 91 101 91
6. BRONECK -12……………………….DNP 87 93 88
7. FISH -15……………………………….DNP 90 102 93
8.SAM THE SHAM -27………………..DNP DQ 105 106
9. STEVE-O DID NOT QUALIFY…….93 N/A N/A N/A
Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2011 Bay Hill
