THE 2013 WDI RYDER CUP AT STREAMSONG
THE BLUE VS THE RED ( GREY ??????)
BY Wick Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor
It was near dusk on a heavily fortified foothill in southern Maryland, near the small town of Antietam on a beautiful fall day in September 1862. Soon this meadow would be the epicenter of the first major battle of the American Civil War. And one of the bloodiest!
The Confederate General staff huddled close in the chilly, fall wind next to the famous Robert E. Lee; waiting for the great man to speak strategically about the upcoming battle……..General Lee was peering through his field binoculars, let out a sigh, put down the field glasses and turned to his Chief of Staff General Stonewall Jackson. ” General,” said Lee. “Why in the fuck did we get grey……did they pick first and choose blue……. but,why grey? I wanted red. Just like those splendid Redcoats back in 1776.”
Stonewall, cleared his throat, then replied rather meekly, “Bobby, they chose blue first, but I thought you liked grey…….hell, your hair and beard is grey…….it goes well with your uniform. I think red is over the top”. “Whatever,” replied Lee.
And so, it has come to pass that for the inaugaural WDI Ryder Cup, it is only fitting that the colors are blue and red, just like Bobby Lee wanted it!!!!!!
With this historical backdrop, the Selection Committee met in “open” session much to the delight of the media, press, ESPN, young punks, horny teen-age babes and other interested observers at the Men’s Grill last week. Their job—to pick the teams for the upcoming Streamsong WDI.
Located only 45 minutes from Tampa, it opened it’s doors last week. Already, in many golf magazines, it is being lauded as the Best New U.S. Courses to play in 2013. ( see Golf Magazine…Dec. 2012 edition ) The Red Course, designed by Crenshaw/Coore was picked by a whisker, as the better course, over the Blue Course designed by Tom Doak. You remember them? They were the architects of widely acclaimed Bandon Dunes near Bend, Oregon.
Accolades have to heaped upon the rather small back and smelly armpits of Commissioner Kapalua, who befriended a down and out friend, Kevin Probst ( his former limo driver, who recently was on hard times ). Introducing him to influential power grabbers and golf affectienados, he turned that kind gesture into the Golf Sales Manager at Streamsong. Returning the favor, Probst invited the WDI to his newly touted Resort. ” I trust you Kap, but having seen and talked with some of your group, could they stay in their rooms after they finish their round. I’m concerned about being seen with them,” asked the Kevster.” Especially, the guy who keeps on yelling, Sit on this Fat Hog”……………………..
Back to Selection Night, as it was called. No there was no Obama/Romney sightings. I said Selection night. Selecting for the Red Team in Tampa, was the combative Duke of Eric, known for his xxx-rated vocabulary, but a 4-time WDI Champ and hard-nosed veteran of the WDI. Selecting for the Blue Team at Snoot West in Aspen, Colorado, was Jake the Snake….a past 2-time winner who was currently skiing and spending lots of Snoot’s money at the Snoot Chateau. He was present via live hook-up.
Here are the two teams with a little bio of each player:First the BLUE Team.
CHICK GARCIA…aka, the Cuban Midget. Often seen hanging around the hors d’ouvers table at any club he can sneak into. As a low handicapper, he COULD be da man on Singles Sunday, depending where Captain Snake puts him. Being in the middle of nowhere in Redneck country could send the Chickmunk into a depressing state, however…..has to have Cuban food, especially Mom’s piccadillo daily.And Rednecks like to shoot Cubans in that neck of the woods.
KLUZSTER…..Currently, the Raining Champ from the November Innisbrook WDI. Known to fall apart like a Men’s Sportcoat at the Men’s Warehouse….he held on to a rather large lead on Sunday and showed he may be hard to beat. He did beat off, so to speak, the other challengers at Innisbrook, much to their chagrin.
FISH…the large Tilapia is having a good run this fall, with his game and handicap coming around. He could be the swing-man(fish ) for the Red Team. If he’s off……cut him up and feed him to his relatives.
BOYNIE….Another has-been. Was a sentimental pick by the Snake. ” Do I have to take 5, why can’t I just take 4?”said the Snake. Actually, Boynie has been playing a lot better and has seen his handicap plummet from 25 to 24 in recent months. Actually, Boynie shares Most 2d place finishes in past WDIs with 3 other players. Never count the Boynmeister out!!!!!!!
SNOOT….picked last, by an oversight, by his stepson, Snoot replied, “You’d better be out of Snoot Chateau in Aspen by tonite, you little fucker. I’m coming after your ass. Already tension on the Blue team. When asked of his team’s chances, Snoot said, ” That Red team is going get the case of the red-ass after I’m through with them. They are dead meat.” He’s still pissed off…..watch out for the Snoot-Dog when he’s pissed.
And now the Red Team:
KAPAFUCKINGLUA……”Yes, yes, I know….as your fearless leader, I can ONLY be on one team….and it’s going to be the WINNING team. I’d rather be Red than Dead… But I aint no Commie.” And finally, a last quote from the Great One…..” The Blue team name is gonna be changed to Black and Blue when we done with those MOFOS”
NECK…..on injured reserve for most of 2012, he vows to be back in time for the February match. After hearing comments from the Blue team members on how they want to face the aging, rather old and homely Neck on Singles Sunday….the Neck said, ” Boys, stand by. I don’t recommend they spend their Xmas or Hanukah money, because I’m looking forward to some of their action.
BRONECK….” Thanks for the selection, Duke. Not only am I reunited with my baby brother, but also with some of the best players the WDI has seen. As I said as a Captain for American Airlines for many years, to the plane load of passengers before we took off…….Hang on to your seats MOFOs, we’re in for a WILD ride”
JOEBABBO…..”Looks like it’s the Axis Powers versus the Dildos. All I can say is: GAME OVER. I’m personally gonna splash some of my tasty RED spaghetti sauce on Chick’s nice, BLUE shirt AND a meatball on his head.” Looks like a fired-up Joebob…..and you know what they say, A fired up Joebob is, well……………..fired up.
SNOOT JUNIOR ( ALAN MCNULTY ) The Duke, in a stunning chess-like move picked Snoot Jr. to further divide the Blue team. DUKe…..” Now it’s personal for those schmoos….their team is divided and emotionally drained.” They don’t know what the fuck to do. Replied a normally reserved Snoot Jr…..”Let’s get those RAT BASTARDS.” To which his daddy, Snoot, retorted, ” I know who your momma is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well there you have it sportsfans, boys and girls, and perverts everywhere. As Julius Ceasar once said, ” The die is cast and we will kill the Blue Team”. See you at Streamsong in Feb. 2013!!!!
Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley – ESPN Sports Guru