At first glance, it looked like the FEMA police were prepared to arrest all 8 WDIers, as they exited the Southwest flight in Birmingham, Alabama. But, as they approached the chatty group, one of the beefy cops eyeballed a short, squat, rather homely Germanic fellow and immediately detained him.
” Hey buddy, ” cried out the burly FEMA cop, ” What’s that on your knee?” The Neck, looking incredulous, gazed down at his knee and back up to the burly cop and blurted out, ” Why, that’s a banjo, sir. You see, I came to Alabama with it surgically attached, because I’ve never been here before and the song said……” “Blah, blah, blah, interrupted the cop, “we’ve heard that one before. Book him Danno.”
By the time, the frazzled Neck was released from Airport jail, he hurriedly arrived at the 1st tee at Old Overton, by the skin of his penis ( or teeth ), teed off and then promptly LOST in succession : his visor, suntan lotion, 5-iron, laser, tampax, and alas, his game. Unfortunately, that horrid start doomed the Neck to a 1st round 94 and quashed his hopes of winning for the first time on tour in 20 years. His 4-man group also distinguished themselves for breaking the record for the LONGEST 9 holes in WDI history—3 hours 20 minutes!!! While playing partner Boynie putted brilliantly for an 85, Jake “the Snake” Nellis, unnerved, shot 79, but the large Barracuda ( Fish ) blew up with a 96.
Meanwhile, Team 2, seething in anger at long waits on virtually EVERY shot, managed to catch a movie at the turn. Joebob, playing in his 1st WDI since his disabling injury almost a year ago, was EN FUEGO, and went on a tear—–recording 3 birdies and a 37 on the front 9, enroute to a 84. Kapalua, the pre-tournament favorite, was out of sync, and frustrated by the long round, shot 86. Tour rookie, Johhny ” Kluz ” Kluzek from the Czech Republic had a respectible 88 and met his quota on the number. And Snooter’s marker/fill-in Sellers Gaunt, tall, slender and malnourished shot 86. You see, as is his M O, the Snoot was delayed once again, on Day One. But, hell, this wasn’t too bad——-sometimes he missed the whole fucking trip. This time he ONLY missed the first round and one of his pals from Birmingham, Gaunt, filled in for him. Snoot did managed to arrive in B’Ham in time for dinner at Cafe duPont and the customary 25 drink-8 bottles of wine WDI dinner.
An overcast sky and forboding Shoal Creek awaited the boys on Day 2 and it proved to be just as challenging as it was 2 years ago. Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican – Hawaiian, shook off the cobwebs and dinner the night before, and recorded a blistering 80 ( he shot 79 back in 2009 ) and shared 2nd place at day’s end with the Snake at -2, who also carded an 80. But, kudos of the day, fell to the middle-aged European rookie, Kluz, who took over 1st place at -1. ( Joebob and Boynie shared 1st place at +4, but fell apart like cheap suits on Day 2 ) The foreign press, especially those from the Czech Republic were going crazy….”Screw that tennis player Dojicendhfbc ?” We want the Kluzster…” Could he be just the 3rd rooke in WDI history ( after Briggsey and the Snake ) to win in just his 1st tournament. Let’s see? NOT!!!
Meanwhile, the Alzheimer’s ailment ( Where’s my glasses….Who are you ) reared its ugly head for a 2nd straight day, as Snoot lost HIS camera and eyeglasses….BEFORE he teed off. And was he teed off!!! Unable to see the ball, greens, trees, golfing partners and recovering from the night before when he got SNOOTFACED……he gamely shot 98 freefalling to last place. By the time he finished his round, the gallery and European press were nowhere to be seen. Actually, they had qued up and were busily peppering questions to Kapalua and the Snake. Kap was wearing extra dark sunglasses as he answered anal questions by a buxomed, blonde, bombshell Golf Channel reporter—–but his head tilt gave him away!
Licking their wounds and a few limes and Tequila at Hot and Hot Fish Club was the proper remedy that night, because the cold Fish turned Hot and Hotter at Farmlinks on Day 3–as was the Kluzster–they both came in at +7 with scores of 85 and 82. Kluz took a commanding, not to be overcome, no fucking way lead at +6 going in to the final day. WHOOPS.( Slithering up the fairway was the Snake who came in at 0, and 2d place) Bunched up at -3 were 3 past Champs: Kapafuckinglua; Hot and Hotter Fish and Boynie AKA Mr. Shankapottamas ( he only had 5 shanks on Friday )
Although this was moving day, Snoot managed to stay put with Joebob and the Neck. Sellers Gaunt was nowhere to be seen. However, someone said there was a sighting of Sellers at the Walker Cabin earlier that morning wrestling with a beaver! ( We hope his wife doesn’t find out ) But no offical word.
That nite at GianMarcos fine Italian ristorante, after too much wine/drinks ( again ) and too much food (again ) the boys super glued Snoot’s glasses to his head; Necks’ laser to his hip and Boynies wallet to his hand. Guess what? No more Alzheimers!!!!!!!
Day 4–Finals day @ grand Old Overton, where we played that 6-hour round on Wed. ( a private course ), started out warily when Course Super Mark Cagle called Kapalua and asked, very diplomatically if the boys would like to come out a little earlier…say, 6am. That way, the WDIers would be through for dinner that night at beautiful Highlands Grill. And ALL putts over 6 inches would be “GOOD “.
A compromise was agreed upon and play started. While the Kluzster held an “insurmountable ” lead and was playing ‘lights’ out the day before—he unfortunately also got SNOOTFACED the night before at GianMarcos and his game and his mind became —KLUELESS. Leaking oil after 5 holes, he was on the verge of capsizing. Shouts of ” Abandon ship..Abandon ship were heard emitting from his arse- hole.
The trio of Kap, Fish and Boynie, wannabe leaders, could have been contenders, if they played their ‘fish’ guts out—-BUT 84–93–89 respectively dashed their hopes. Little Clam Neck made a late charge with a 83, but losing his laser 12 times that week proved to be his undoing. Plus, at 4′ 10″ he barely could see the flags, even from 50 yards out. PITY. Joebob, who at 3000-1 odds, tried to defy the oddsmaker with his brilliant 1st day lead, but Golf Channel commentators Brandel Chamblee and Frank”Duke ” Nobilo said succinctly, ” You can’t expect too much outta Joebob, since this is his 1st tourney in almost a year. We applaud his toughness and we’ve got a shoulder for you to lean on, whenver you want.”
Yes, that same Duke Nobilo of WDI fame, who somehow finegaled a commentator’s spot after being DQed in April for ” consorting with dogs ” by the Commish. Something about, Fuck you guys, I’ll call my ‘new’ bestest buddy…Arnie. He owns the Golf Channel.” Plus, I want to be there to see the WDIers sweat like whores in church.” And they did!!!
Snooter made a late charge, also with an 80 ( w/4 birdies ) BUT like the low-lying, crawling snake that he is…..Jake “the Snake” shot a sterling 73 to Kluz’s 91 ( they flip-flopped in standings ) and won the 65th WDI by 6 points over a heartbroken but gamey ( whew ) Kluz. ” CZECHMATE” yelled Snake as he holed his final putt, fist clenched ala Tiger, and looking directly at his Czech counterpart. In his best English and a classic sportsmanlike gesture..Kluz fired back with ” Fuck u! ( with middle-finger extended )
FEMA cops hired by Old Overton policed the large, unruly crowd. The big burly FEMA cop, still had his eyes on the little Kraut, as the FEMA boys escorted the WDIers right off the 18th into their awaiting SUVs….tasty topless dancers from Club Cheetah were jostling and speaking Czech in order to attract Kluz’s attention. But into their cars they went AND would arrive at Highland’s Grill on time for their victory dinner celebration. What a tourney!!!!
See you at the last Major of the year at a venue yet to be decided.
Yours in sports,
Wick Wiley
FINAL SCORES
1. JAKE THE SNAKE …..+6 2-MAN TEAM SCORES
2. KLUZ……………………….0 NECK AND JAKE……..+1
3. BOYNIE…………………..-2 JOEBOB AND KLUZ….-7
4. NECK……………………..-5 SNOOT AND FISH……-7
5. KAPALUA……………….-6 KAPALUA AND BOYNIE -8
5. FISH………………………-6
7. JOEBOB…………………-7
7. SNOOT…………………..-7
Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2011 Birmingham