Well sports fans and kids of all ages, on Thursday, June 20 the 5th Annual Snoot 2012 Father-Son Invitational got off to a fast start at its Kick-Off dinner at world-renowned Birmingham, Ala. restaurant Hot and Hot Fish Club ( Voted the the James Beard Award as the South’s BEST restaurant and probably MOST expensive ) before traveling down I-20 to beautiful, bucolic Sylacauga, Ala. and The Farm Links Golf Mecca. ONLY 16 semi-professionals ( out of the 24 special invitees ), including non-players Buzz and Steever ( honest folks, these were their real names ) Flanagan from nearby Noonan, Georgia, ( can’t figure out why they had to drive 180 miles round-trip to get fleeced ) showed up and were treated/hoodwinked by this infamous BHAM restaurant at ONLY….$300 per person. Hell, some of the lads ran out of spending money BEFORE the tournament started! But, isn’t this a mulligan of Morton’s in Atlanta ( scene of Snoot 1 ) 5 years ago?
The other 5 strike-replacement players/golfers/invitees ( Jake’s buds) who drove down from Atlanta, were actually down the street from Hot and Hot, at a neighorhood Subway’s quaffing down a couple of bud-lites with their foot long dog……..they actually SAVED $290 fricking dollars!
A little history of this tourney is in order……….due to the Great Recession: Snoot 1 was in Atlanta at lovely Cherokee C C and Bear’s Best; Snoots’s 2, 3 and 4 were great successes, but ONLY 1 day events at lovely Palma Ceia C C and nearby Feather Sound with tasty and delectable steak dinners at Kaplaua’s home afterward. The Executive Committee met and felt an out-of-town experience was, once again, in order for SNOOT V.
And what an experience it was for Dads and lads from Hot and Hot to Sausage Links and the gorgeous Parker Lodge, scene of the festivities. Golf, drinks, cigars and food galore for 2 days and 2 nights…….chefs cooking delicious dinners in the Lodge’s massive dining hall and Hot and Cold running maids taking care of your every need ( well, almost every need ) And if you were LUCKY, a little snuggling with the otters, foxes, bears and beavers hanging out in the lodge as well. More about this later…………..
However, due to the mass exodus of most of the original Eyetalian Squad, Capt. Kapalua, the steely-eyed Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Italian of questionable descent lobbied with his opponent/cohort, Snoot Doggy Dog for a new and interesting format. It seems that the Battling Aglianos, the Maddog Mudanos, the One-Eyed Duke of Capri and the Greaseball Martinos went to the mattresses due to FAMILY problems and were indisposed. The Cohen Clan were busy making NO COUNTRY FOR OLD FUCKERS TWO. That left stalwart Sicilians: the Pistol Whipping “BOB” family of Joebob and Robbob Pesce; little Stevie Sideburns and Kapalua’s two top capos: Ryan “Hitman” Cappy and Baby Bro Joey ” Blue Eyes” Cappy from the Lasagna clan.
Some of Snooter’s original squad were also AWOL: Tough Tommy Crozier; soon to be ex-son-law Jeff Hayden; Sam the Sham Duffey( the Pharoahs were also missing ) and his son-in-law, JS Gaston and 2 Birdies Billy Boy. Sam the Sham/JS had a family tragedy to deal with in Sarasota, but promised to be back next year, if they are not expelled. Sooooooooo, to fill the gap, many Hotlantans were recruited by Scottish henchman Jake ‘The Snake’, whose handicaps were somewhat suspect and downright ‘iffy’.
The new format was simple: everyone who hadn’t ever played golf with Snoot, but said they heard of him being beaten in Junior golf by Lanny Wadkins in 1964, AND bought Snoot a nice martini and a sleeve of Titliest Pro V-1s were either given a 28 or 35 handicap, depending on Snoot’s sobriety at that moment. Can you say ‘graft’? Virtual unknown and Top Sandbagger of the Tooonamint, Chuckling Chuck Hicks, was given a 35 cap and CHUCKLED all the way to a +8 and +5 in his two rounds AND won $$$$$$$$$ both days! Hmmmmmmmmm
Word is that he played like the poster child for Ray-Ray Golf…….9 holes like Ray Floyd and 9 holes like Ray Charles!!!!!! Actually, the snake, worm and small animal population were afraid to come out in the open on both Friday and Saturday when the CHUCKLER was slashing and dashing down the once, beautifully manicured fairways. Actually, once the tourney started EVERY STAFF member was nowhere to be seen, especially the cart cracks….they apparently heard of the 4-cart crack-up on Friday primarily occasioned by The Snake trying to see whose cart can get down faster from the top of 5 tee. He blasted into his buddy, Matt Strength’s cart, in an effort to see who was tougher. This bold, brash act ONLY cost Jake $2,000. ( Maybe we won’t be invited back? )
Newcomers and 28 ‘cappers’, Bill and Matt Josey lamented to Snoot that while he hadn’t played golf since the Eisenhower years…..his son hadn’t broken 100 at the tight, new confines of Palma Ceia. However, one source told this reporter, that the Josey’s were seen supplying Snooter with several ‘new’ 58 and 56 degree wedges and several ‘boxes’ of new Titliest V-1s. And wouldn’t you know it……both of them played outstanding, especially Matt who shot 78..75. And winning $$$$$$$$$$$. ( well he was also the Treasurer ) Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Veteran WDIers also joined the group as first-timers……..Boynie Stein, past WDI Champ at Torrey Pines in 1947, played steady golf with his life partner/son-in-law, Goldilocks ( a Chicogoan born and Missouri bred gent, who kept yelling SEC…..SEC…..SEC.) Word on the street was that there was a one-for-one trade and that Goldilocks name change to Stein will be forth coming shortly. And how could you miss Sellers Gaunt, the elderly, malnourished man from PC, who couldn’t remember a damn thing about the weekend……the maid staff found him wrapped around the stuffed beaver downstairs in the TV room……..naked, both nights.
From Hotlanta, rookies: Brent Strength ( one weak-bodied looking MOFO, you know the guy at the beach you kick sand in his face and steal his Cokes/shirt/pants. ) Ronny “Roadkill ” Armadillo; Mean Mike Bartlett; Dirty Dave Black…a Bobby Weed impostor and Bill”2Steps” Deehan…who when he walked, always looked like he was walking up a flight of stairs. BUT, you couldn’t hold the SNOOT…….WITHOUT THE …..SNOOT and his immediate Tartan-flavored Scottish clan……of course, Jake “The Snake” Nellis; son Brian “The Big Nasty” Mac; nephew Weak Willie Mac ( I can hook it OR shank it…You call it! ) and future heir Alan “Snoot Junior” Mac from Charlotte, N.C.
When ALL was said and done ( and there was a lot said ), it was another fabilous success and a Toonamint like no others ( actually, it was a LOT like the 38 past WDI tournaments…too much wine, booze, cigars, golf and laughter) and one that could be repeated at SausageVille, Ala in the Spring or Fall ( assuming we are able to get loans from our respective banks and asuming that Jake pays the cart’s repairs )). New acquaintenances were made; old friendships renewed and the Father-Son, Stepson, Son-in-law bonding was penultimate!
See you at the next Snoot in 2013,
Wick Wiley, ESPN Sports Dudeb