THE BLACK COURSE…..BLACKMAIL…..AND BLACK SCORES DOOM THE MOFOS IN THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY WDI IN STREAMSONG
by Wick E Wiley, ESPN Editor
(THIS COULD BE BUT IS NOT A TRULY ACCURATE STORY. THE NAMES AND PLACES ARE STRICTLY FICTIONAL IN THE SORDID, SICK MIND OF WICK WILEY…sorry)
The WDIers were having such a good time: heavily imbibing, laughing, telling stories and eating……that they barely noticed the small group of black ninjas slip into Restaurant 59 @ beautiful STREAMSONG RESORT, right in the middle of East Bumf—k Egypt, which is….. out in the middle of nowhere! ( There were 3-4somes) It was only after the Outlaw Joseyman and Goldilocks went to the bathroom ( together ) and never came back, that Lanny, the WDI waiter, brought back a note to the table ……yes, an ominous note.
It read: YO..HELLO YOUSE WDIERS.
WE KNOW YOUSE ARE
CELEBRATING SOME-
THING! WHAT? WE DON’T
KNOW OR CARE. BUT WE
GOTS YOUR BOYS, JOSEY
MAN AND GOLDY AND IF YOU
CO-OPERATE WID US, WE
WON’T HURT DEM.
SIGNED,
GUIDO ( THE LOUD MOUTHED ONE)
Stunned and scared, most of the WDIers ran out the back door of “59” along with Security ( all the large men) leaving Kluzie,
Robbob and Kapalua to face the music, which I believe was HOTEL CALIFORNIA by the Eagles, since the NECK had left his cell phone, in haste, as he ran out the door. AND, PAY THE BILL! Oh, JOEBOB didn’t leave either because he was somewhat COMATOSE after imbibing ALL day and into the evening!
After an hour of worrying about what to do and lazily polishing off their tasty 32 oz. Tomahawk rib-eyes, crab-stuffed Seabass with a bleurre-blanc topping, and 1 more bottle of Silver Oak Cabernet….the boys, (without Joebob who was still eating…and drinking….and oblivious ) grim-faced and apoplectic, finally approached the dug-in ninjas. “What do you NY ninjas want?” asked Kluz.
Guido replied, ” How do youse guys know we’re ninjas? “And from NY?”” Duh, obviously they weren’t rocket scientists! Then he blurted out, ” YO, look, we wanted to work something out financially, since you boys look like old, spoiled South Tampa rich-kids, and we saw youse guys passing out those expensive-looking swell crystal things at dinner. I gotta have one of dose. So, Vito said to me, “Those guys must be loaded!” But I gotta tell u dude.We’re releasing ur buds. We can’t take it……they have been talking non-stop, since we pinched them. We’re outa here!!!!!
To which, Kapalua bravely asserted, “Really? Shut the fuck up! “
With the standoff finished and the boys returned and no further roadblocks ahead, the 48th WDI toonamint in it’s 25th year played on. It was a 12-man RYDER CUP format of MOFOS vs. SHITASSES. Last year, the group was reduced by injuries/surgeries to Joebob and Jake forcing their cancellation ( and Robbob’s, much to his chagrin ) which lead to an 8-man format won +21 to +9 by the Kluz-led MOFO team of FISH, CHICK AND JOEY ‘HITMAN’CAPPY. ( Kluz shot 84-80 with 5 birdies on the BLACK COURSE.) Oh, he’s ONLY a 19 handicap!!!!!!!!!! Like I said, some of this is FANTASY!
The SHITASSES, led by SNOOT DOGGY DOG and inc. KAPALUA, BOYNIE and OUTLAW JOSEY MAN fought valiantly but couldn’t overcome Johnny 2-shots play.
2018 was no different for Johnny 2-Shots, which means we will NEVER play another event with his ass at STREAMSONG…… In our 1st appearance there in 2013, JK makes his now-famous Hole-In-2. ( his first shot was from the wrong tees, so he backs up and holes it from the back tees) Of course, after he pocketed $1200 from the boys, ( after a much heated discussion whether it was or wasn’t a Hole In One ) he paid for dinner…..$1450. OUCH! HE DESERVED IT ! So, Kluzie shoots 90-78, this year, which inc. 2 birdies and an Eagle on 18 on the same BLACK course he torched last year, en route to a WDI record +20. He, alone beat the MOFOS. That’s 7 birds and an Eagle in 2 rounds on BLACK.!!!!!!! And he’s a 23 handicap!!!!!!!!!!!
Incidentally, for the record, the SHITASS team of KLUZ, KAPALUA, BOYNIE, BRONECK, JOEBOB and ROBBOB had a 2-day total of +24 compared to the MOFO record of -10. ONLY a 34 point bashing! Captain SNOOTER dejectedly looked at his team ( BMAC, JAKE, GOLDIE, NECK and JOSEYMAN) and said, ” Do you think we could have won if we had not paid the ransom to the ninjas? And played without Goldie and Outlaw?” ( who were still chatting about Trump’s twittering and the recent drop in the stock market) End of story!…………………………… Happy 25 years to the WDI….and to the SNOOT, in it’s 12th year. This year, it coincides with Bobby Weed’s charity tourney, HEAL, to benefit autistic kids.
SNOOT dates are Feb. 21-24, 2019 in Ponte Vedra….play the Valley Course at TPC; Ocean Course at Ponte Vedra and 3 quality evenings: one at TPC CLubhouse; one at Ponte Vedra and of course Sat. nite at the infamous Weed Camp on the St John’s River! What a weekend!! See you there!
Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley
SCORES
SHITASSES MOFOS
KLUZ…90..78 ( +19 ) SNOOT…87-79 ( +3)