Tiger Woods, step aside – we have a more important golf story to report. History may be made this fall by a good looking, sweet swinging, Puerto Rican – Hawaiian who lives in the off season near Palermo, Sicily. (In his three-acre Italian Villa loaded with good looking toots.) Yes, Jorge Kapalua will be making WDI history by winning three consecutive WDI sanctioned tournaments 2006-2007 if he wins the Torrey Pines WDI this Fall.
The last attempt at a 3-Peat was made by little Stevie Bolter who won at Bandon Dunes in August of ’05 and Casa De Campo in May of ’06. His bid for a third consecutive title ended when Jorge Kapalua spanked Bolter badly in the Northern Michigan Invitational in September of ’06.
Bolter was leading the tournament by three shots going into the last day at the tough Bear course in Traverse City. (Sort of like Sergio Garcia at the British Open at Carnoustie.) It used to be when Bolt has the lead, “forget about it,” but crouching like a silver-haired cat, Kapalua waited for his swing to develop then leapt into action devouring the field. It wasn’t pretty. As a matter of fact, Bolter’s defeat was so devastating that he hasn’t shown his face since, nor did he enter the two WDI tournaments scheduled for 2007. He has become a mere “shell” of a man and remains emotionally distraught. When reached for a reply he declined comment through his dogs, Jenny and Buster.
For a handicap review of the contestants for the Torrey Pines La Costa ’07 WDI, we bring in Jimmy the Geek , Jr., for the handicapping.
Kapalua (3-1)
Even though he is a cagey, aging, WDI vet, he is one hot mofo – 3 championships in the last 5 tourneys and 15 consecutive top 8 finishes. Poised for the first ever WDI 3-Peat against a “weak” field. Should be a cakewalk unless he is poisoned. Wants to invoke drug and insect screening on WDI participants because of spider bites at the recent Pinehurst tourney. Is a fan favorite – had great tourney at Southern Hills Member-Guest in Oklahoma in June; played with: “he is heavy and he is my brother.” Voted best looking golfer by Pussycat Brothel in Tulsa. New golf sticks could propel him to the top of the leaderboard early.
“Joe Bob” (10-1)
Highly touted WDI rookie who burst on the scene in ’07 with a dismal 92 at Pinehurst #8. Hit the bottle heavily after that and went steadily downhill. After a short stint at Betty Ford, has handicap again looming around 10. Could be a force at Torrey Pines depending on what game he brings with him, A, B, C or D. Was severely reprimanded by Neck and Broneck for not having first aid kit in North Carolina. Because of that rebuke, was seen in Ybor buying drugs for upcoming WDI for Neck brothers. “A little hemlock?”
Broneck (12-1)
Former Russian fighter pilot who escaped Moscow during the purge in the 90’s. An old fart retiree who plays five to six times a week – a six handicapper who keeps getting better. Supposed to play in the final foursome at Pinehurst WDI in April ’07 but succumbed to his brother’s medical problems and was promptly DQ’d. Could be a contender, however.
Snooter (15-1)
Voted WDI comeback player of the year by his peers. (Joe and Mary Peers) Torrey Pines is the kind of course that caters to Snoot’s high, wind-carving drives. Won’t have the Lebster’s snoring drain his strength, so he can play 18 holes “strong like bull.” Main drawback, hasn’t been in winner’s circle since the Atlanta WDI in August of ’96. Could be California dreaming – if he brings sleep apparatus.
Boynie (16-1)
Three straight second place finishes four out of past six tournaments suggests this could be Bernie’s time. NOT! Age could be a huge factor. He is getting older and looking older. Time may be slipping away for him to be competitive, plus he dumped his swing guru, Ledbetter, for the guy who gives tips for free in Golf Digest. Cheap Bastard. Odds are huge that he will fade in the California sunset just like Ronald Reagan, or fold like a cheap suit at the Men’s Wearhouse (again).
Fish (20-1)
Critics are saying that his ’04 England WDI victory may be a flash in the pan (or steroidal-linked) Urine sample results leaked out recently suggest BALCO – TIES. Has naked photos of Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong in his locker at Palma Ceia. Is worried about commissioner’s investigation – could be reason for poor showing in last five WDI’s. Time is of the essence. He does have to fish or cut bait.
Hyden-“Seek” (25-1)
Unknown rookie – friend of Snooter’s. An experienced 7 handicapper, who is a late bloomer and a baby boomer. “Won’t have replay of the Lebster.” Strong game is driving. Drives a hot-red mustang. A rookie hasn’t won WDI in his first outing since Logan in ’95 by one half stroke over Kapalua at TPC, Palm Springs. This longshot could be a contender.
Neck (100-1)
By a narrow vote of four to three by the WDI Exec. Committee, Neck barely kept his WDI tour card (Broneck was one of the three). DQ’d in past two tournaments (for not finishing). People are’ wondering whether he has any “staying power.” (Including his good wife Catherine) His adoring fan base has shrunk from 500 to 2 in the past two years (his wife and himself). He had to go back to the fatherland (Germany) prior to the tournament, in July for some well needed advice from Great Uncle Adolph Von Nuechterlein. Used to blurt out strong German words like conquest, blitzkreig, and danzer. Now uses weak words like capitulation, retreat, and liebramilch. A very, very, short dark horse.
There you have it sports fans, an up-to-date recap of the participants for the fifth major of the year, the WDI Torrey Pines Fall Classic.
See you in sunny California.
Yours in golf,
Rick