It was early Monday morning on the Mediterraen Sea outside of Portofino, Italy. The super yacht, HONEY BADGER, bobbed lazily on the sparkling azure water—sea gulls floated effortlessly on the cool, crisp wind over the boat and the air tasted like a fresh cup of java—-and that’s just what the bronze-faced fat man had for breakfast—a double grande capuccino along with his two perfectly poached eggs and one thin slice of whole wheat toast.

Then he received the CALL–from his Las Vegas office which ruined his morning and perhaps changed his life forever! The caller told Jimmy the Geek that someone had placed a 1k bet on that washed-up Kraut–THE NECK, at Kiawah with the odds at 3 trillion ton one—-AND WON!!!!!! DISASTER!!! WTF!!!! How could this happen? He hadn’t won SQUAT since Pinehurst in 1997!!

Speaking of SQUAT—that’s just what the short, homely, SQUAT Kraut did—much to the chagrin of the other WDI competitors. It was vintage Tom Watson in 2010 at the British Open–ONLY this time the veteran WDIer closed the deal in stirring fashion. But, it didn’t start out that way. First of all, pre-tourney favorite, the Duke, had just been KOed in the crotch by his soon-to-be ex-Sexretary, Shady Shannon O’Toole, days before the tournament and had left Tampa with ALL the Duke’s charge cards and bank account numbers. Can you say SCREWED? Duke put out an APB and then had no choice to WD from the WDI. ( His associate, Stevie Sideberns suited up for play immediately and left for Charleston as the Duke’s sub )

That left the toilet door open, so to speak, for the Kluzster ( 2011 Rookie of the Year ) and 7-1 odds favorite and 4-time Chump, I mean Champ….Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican Hawaiian. However, Kluz, a fan favorite in his native Hungary, apparently wasn’t HUNGRY enough to vie for the title. After his surprise second place finish in the Birmingham WDI in May of this year, all the calls for interviews by Golf Channel, ESPN Live, NBC, CBS and all the talk shows especially Johnny Carson, had sapped his strength—and he never recovered.

Kapalua, the cagey vet, smelled victory in the air ( or was it gas from his roomie Joe Bob ) and immediately made the most of it—-shooting 84 ( on the famed Ocean Course ) and 84 ( Osprey Point ) to lead the 30th WDI after both the first and second rounds at +2. Close BEHIND his BEHIND in second place was the Duke’s sub, Stevie Sideberns at -1…..and tied for third were the Germanic Neck Brothers at -6.

Boynie, after a horrendous start ( 98-96 ) was 6th after 2 rounds, Joebob ( 95-98 )..7th and in last place was the frickin’ Snoot Doggy Dog ( 83-96 ) who simply said, ” I don’t give a shit, if I’m in last.” ( sounds suspiciously like the Honey Badger ) Things looked doubtful for the other 7 schmoos as Kapalua was in OVERDRIVE –hitting fairways and greens in the howling winds of Kiawah; laughing out loud at errant shots by Snoot, Neck and Boynie ( YOU GUYS SUCK ) and quaffing down generous amounts of $250 Silver Oak Cabernets at dinner. WHEN, all of a sudden on Day 3 at Turtle Point, just as ol Kapalua was ready to extend his lead and DOMINATE—SHIT HAPPENED!

According to this reporter, who caught wind of a conspiratorial story coming out of those plush Kiawah villas—–while it wasn’t like the Lincoln conspiracy, it was CLOSE!! You see, on the evening before DAY 3 at beautiful Jasmine Porch restaurant while eating low-country blue crab chowder, shrimp and grits, pan-seared Wreckfish and cauliflower fritters with spicy vidalia onion aioli, Snoot and Attorney Nuechterlein conspired to take down the Kapster. Added Joebob, ” I went to the bathroom during the meal and overhead what sounded like Snoot and Attorney Nuechterlein in one of the stalls exchanging money—-I thought it was related to a upcoming lawsuit, but then again it could’ve been for other services!” UGH!!

Whatever! Together they filed 2 lawsuits–AT DINNER– one lawsuit was to “directly implicate Kapalua in a handicap-shaving scheme in order to undermine his effectiveness” and the 2d lawsuit added Joebob and SteveO, villa roomies—“for intentionally causing irreparable harm and shame, disrupting his ( Snoot’s ) ability to enjoy himself and play competitive golf by SHOVING Snoot into the tiniest bedroom in Villa Italiano.”

How small was it? Well, no one could quite figure out how they managed to place a BED in that broom closet, ah room. But, hey, it wasn’t all that bad: Snoot could sit on the john and 1) brush his teeth 2) take a shower 3) turn on the TV and 4) phone a friend. ( That was moot since he don’t have no friends)

Well, it seems like the legal wranglings eventually took a mental toll on ol Kapalua with” all that hollering and gesturing about his inlflated handicap and suing and such.” So much so, that Kapalua sliced and diced his way to a 94 ( 4 doubles and 3 triples ) @ Turtle Point, dropping him all the way down to 3rd place at -8, after Day 3.

For Joebob and Kluz and SteveO, it wasn’t the legal process or the Kiawah wind—-it was the combo platter; that is the delicious fare of sauteed scallops in lobster sauce on a bed of arugula and WAY TOO MUCH vino at the Peninsular Grill in Charleston. They ALL limped in with scores in the 90s realizing they were all dead meat! As a result of their dismal showing, many pre-teen European babes, after glimpsing their scores on the leaderboard, quickly left the Island on their way back to Hungary and Italy, respectively: shouting “You guys no good. You lie. You tell us you’re ONLY going to stick the head in……..”

Retorts Kluz, ” All they wanted was a rich golfer to suck money from–now that we’re out of the running, they’re fair-weather fans. Screw them ( that may have already happened ) I don’t give a shit. ” In his very best Honey Badger accent!

Now as Sunday morning ( DAY 4 ) loomed, two aging battle-hardened Krauts ( WW 1 and WW 2 )were poised at the top of the leaderboard–Neck at -2 and Broncek at -4. Born and raised by parents, Adolf and Gertrude Nuechterlein in Berlin, Germany and trained to be top-notch Blue-Max Messerschmidt pilots–nothing, it seemed, could stop the upcoming ” BLITZKRIEG” ! As both veteran lads were reminiscing over their breakfast of hardtack and water, they thought back to their upbringing in Germany in the 30s—their early Wehrmacht training; eating boar and being bored with their pudgy Uncle Herman Goring on hunting trips; playing spin the bottle with Auntie Eva Braun and eating pork and sauerkraut almost nightly. What memories! Could it be a German sweep? JAVOHL!!

Up at 4am on Day 4 at the famed Ocean Course again ( and site of the 2012 PGA ), the lads ran 5.5 meters, did 30 minutes of calisthenics, hit 500 practice balls ( apiece ) and wore identical Teutonic colors— yellow shirts, khaki pants and blue baseball caps with a big yellow M on them. They were ready with Kapalua out of sync and Boynie in his usual funk, to conquer the Island and did. They played flawlessly to a 1—2 finish and completed a German SLam. And the younger Neck brother ( only 68 ) won for the first time in 14 years. Tom Watson would have been proud!

Wick Wiley

P.S. Achtung! Achtung! The Handicap Committee is scheduled to meet in double secret session @ The Breakers in West Palm Beach in January 2012, to discuss handicaps for the next WDI. Included in the agenda, is a certain WDIer, whose name we can’t divulge ( he lives in Michigan ) who DOESN’T have a home handicap. Calls for swift action and possible DQ remedies will be discussed at this meeting. ALL members of Italian heritage are urged to attend.

FINAL SCORE

1. NECK….88-91-84-82 +2
2. BRONECK…89-82-83-88 -9
3. KAPALUA…84-84-94-89 -10
4. BOYNIE…..98-96-91-95 -12
5. STEVEO….90-80-94-93 -17
6. SNOOT……83-96-86-89 -18
7. KLUZ………91-95-95-101 -27
8. JOEBOB….95-98-96-105 -30

Well, the old dog can still hunt! Yes, folks old Prezcap demonstrated that at age 77, there is still fight in the old Mutt. Prezcap entered a two day Senior Men’s Tournament for players over 50 years of age. His partner was a 65 year old buddy who has the same handicap as Prezcap. Thinking that they would come in last in the 104 member field at Southern Hills Country Club, Prezcap and his buddy The Higger, were as loose as a couple of geese on the make.

The first day they hammed and egged it over 18 holes to a blistering 63, 8 under par. They were in first place in their flight, and were in first place overall. They were stunned. That night over several bottles of Cappy Meritage wine they some how convinced themselves that they could stay ahead of the pack to the finish line.

Well, the pressure got to them. They started to fold like a dirty shirt and go under, when suddenly Prezcap told his partner about the WDI boys and how they rose from the ashes of St. Andrews, watching the flat bellies swill champagne and swore an oath to ‘We Deserve It” and climbed out of the slime to become hero’s in their own minds.

With that shot of spirit, Prezcap and The Higger roared back (well, meowed back) to finish one under for the second day and 9 under for the Tournament at 133. They won their flight, and tied for 3rd Place overall. As they split $1,220, new golf shoes, putters, Crystal Bowls, and a chit for $200 each for use at the Golf Shop they opened another bottle of Cappy Meritage and yelled, We Deserve It!!!

Well, sports fans and boys and girls of all ages, it looks like the current
trend of foreign golfers vying to win the last Major of the year continues.
We’ve got 3 Krauts, 2 Wops, I Mick, 1 Pollock/Czech mix and a Russian Jew?
Who’s it going to be? Their accommodations are as follows: in the Mongrel/Melting
Pot Villa are the Neck bros and Boynie and Kluz……in the Italian Villa are
Kap and Joebabbo and Duke and Snoot. With the help of my good friend Jimmy the Geek, fresh off his Mediterraen cruise, we will attempt to handicap the field for the 45th WDI Championship @ Kiawah. In the words of Brent Nurdberger, it promises to be a dandy!!!!
KLUZ—– 5-1

Pulled a Jason Dufner himself at Birmingham WDI in May of this year and except
for the 2-day suicide watch at Birmingham Memorial Hospital has seemed to
recently snap out of his doldrums. His 10 shot lead with 2 to play leading to
his monumental meltdown could be a WDI record!

But, undergoing a strict regime of psychotherapy under the guidance of the good
doc, James Edgar, ( who has problems of his own ) has him going in the right
direction. Says Kluz, ” I enjoy Dr. Edgar’s soothing advice, except when
he gets pissed and starts waving his .357 Magnum around. ” Just keep the
Zoloft and Ambien and any sharp objects away from the Kluzster and he just may
contend and……win.
SNOOTER—-6-1

What can you say about the Snootdog—-the face of the WDI!!!!! He’s done it
all— co-founder back in ’73; one of the first Major winners; down and out
after years of shitty golf; talked off a ledge in Manhattan ( and Raleigh and
Atlanta ) in 02-03-04; voted “Comeback Player of the Year in 2009 after 2
sterling wins and a 2d; and voted WDI Man of the Decade by his peers ( actually
Joe and Mary Peers ) BTW—that award is still being disputed by
several of the WDI Tour vets…..more on that later.

Lately, commuting between 3 homes in Tampa, Atlanta and Aspen may be
taking its toll on the Snootdog—sapping his strength, so to speak. To which
he replied ” WAT DA BE, WILL BE! ” ( Whatever the fuck that means )
But you can’t count the affable Scot/Irish gent out, UNLESS you can get
him SNOOTFACED!!!!!!!
DUKE—-7-1

A lot of question marks swirl around the big guy from Stuttgart, Germany by way
of Knottingham, England, where he grew up as a privileged child. Thinks
he’s royal and he’s right——-a ROYAL pain in the ass. Some questions
include his health……low back in particular, since he was DUKED out by a
couple of burly bouncers in a Ybor City bar in July. Can he retain the form
that captured 4 Commissioner’s Trophies over a 8  tourney schedule. Some
say, this writer in particular, that he WILL NOT pull off a 5th win,
( a la Tiger ‘s quest to tie Jack ) which would tie him with the Bolt
for most wins in WDI history. One positive for him—-he’s got some downtime
w/Bogey before Kiawah next month.

KAPALUA—-8-1

Since turning the big  six-o, a few years back, the good-looking,
sweet-swinging Peurto Rican Hawaiian has been lighting up Tampa Bay area
courses. However, has been ineffective at closing the deal in the past 10
Majors…..since his last win at Pinehurst in 07. A quick starter out of the
gates, whose mere presence evoked startling gasps and shivers of fear from his
fellow competitors in the past…….he’s not as feared as he used to be.

An anonymous WDI vet ( aka Snootdog ) retorts: ” Kapalua is a GOOD, ( not
great ) Country Club player, BUT he aint no friggin WDI threat ANY-MO. Why
doesn’t he just finish out his playing career at Rocky Point….or the Babe?
”  Touche, Snoot. This reporter would LOVE to be there at the Ocean
Course when they tee it up. Could Snoot’s harsh criticism of the venerable
Kapalua spur him on to greater heights? Or will he fall on his face in a heaping
plate of pasta?
BRONECK—-10-1

Still pissed that Sully Sullenberger got more press for landing the USAir
jet in the river off NYC, than he did after 25 years at
AMERICAN,……….however,his anger management lessons are going great. The
“only” WDI golfer over 80 ……is Father Age catching up with
Broneck. Does he have anything left in his tank? Has retirement softened him
up? Or is he just baiting us….ready to pounce like a “panzer” when
we least expect it?  Tune in to ESPN Esportes @ 4 am on Oct. 13 and find
out if the “The Old Ball Captain ” still has it.

BOYNIE——a trillion to 1 ( US deficit? )

Had a big year in 2011. Lost  110 pounds………how, well he married off
his lovely daughter Lauren to a past and future up and coming
WDIer….Goldeelox!!!!  But, then he gained Number 2 son. However, Mr.
Shankopottomas’s problems are getting worserer. First, it was “Shank
City” within 100 yards of the green………NOW, you’re not safe unless
you stand 10 yards DIRECTLY behind him on ANY shot. May also have to see Dr.
Edgar with Kluz——gotta be a mental thing. Hard to believe he was
Doctor-Lawyer Athlete of the Year in ’81 when he was 50. Oh, and ask Dr. Edgar
for the WDI discount.

JOEBOB—–2trillion to one ( our deficit next year )

Finally got a chance to show off his golfing skills following a 10-month layoff
in May @ Birmingham. Actually, got out of the chute fast with a sizzling front
9….37 with 3 birdies at Old Overton and co-led the tourney after Day One.
But, after a few Jack and Gingers that nite, he faded like a pair of overwashed
bluejeans. Says he will be ready for the howling winds of Kiawah and the
howling snoring of roomie Kapalua. But due to continued swelling and pain in
his right shoulder, he can ONLY SPOON on his left side, which bothers Kapalua,
due to his left shoulder problems. What a bunch of schmoos! His strategy for
the tourney…..stay off the booze and Ambien and he may be a contender!!!!!!!

NECK—-3trillion to one

Written off by renowned sports writers for the past several years, the Neck,
armed and dangerous as ever, has something to prove. And he’s doing it
quietly—–since the Sept. 09 Michigan WDI—he’s finished no lower than 3rd
or 4th in each tourney. Snapped the Neck, ” I’ve been taking a hard,
merciless beating by the press for years, in particular that weally, wiley,
wascal, WILEY. I’m sick and tired of that prick kicking sand in my face,
dadgummitt!”

Says this reporter, YOU THINK THAT SCARES ME???  BRING IT ON , LITTLE MAN!
Looks like fireworks next month…can’t wait to watch it on late nite TV, right after Gunsmoke reruns. And by that time the Neck will be fast asleep.

So there you have it sports fans, an honest evaluation of the somewhat erratic,
dysfunctional group of golfers coming to the beaches of South Carolina. Let’s
see if the GEEK was ‘right on’ with his picks. My pick is that the ONLY War on
the Shore is who’s picking up the drink tab….hah. Oh, that’s right, Denise
and Pete won’t be there.

Yours in golf,

Wick Wiley

P.S. Next year’s venue….either Chicago or Colorado…both of which would be really great!!!! We’re counting on Goldeelox and Bernie to prepare a great rip in Chi-town
AND/OR Kluz/Fish to do the same in Colorado!!!!!!!

 At first glance, it looked like the FEMA police were prepared to arrest all 8 WDIers, as they exited the Southwest flight in Birmingham, Alabama. But, as they approached the chatty group, one of the beefy cops eyeballed a short, squat, rather homely Germanic fellow and immediately detained him.

” Hey buddy, ” cried out the burly FEMA cop, ” What’s that on your knee?” The Neck, looking incredulous, gazed down at his knee and back up to the burly cop and blurted out, ” Why, that’s a banjo, sir. You see, I came to Alabama with it surgically attached, because I’ve never been here before and the song said……” “Blah, blah, blah, interrupted the cop, “we’ve heard that one before. Book him Danno.”

By the time, the frazzled Neck was released from Airport jail, he hurriedly arrived at the 1st tee at Old Overton, by the skin of his penis ( or teeth ), teed off and then promptly LOST in succession : his visor, suntan lotion, 5-iron, laser, tampax, and alas, his game. Unfortunately, that horrid start doomed the Neck to a 1st round 94 and quashed his hopes of winning for the first time on tour in 20 years. His 4-man group also distinguished themselves for breaking the record for the LONGEST 9 holes in WDI history—3 hours 20 minutes!!! While playing partner Boynie putted brilliantly for an 85, Jake “the Snake” Nellis, unnerved, shot 79, but the large Barracuda ( Fish ) blew up with a 96.

Meanwhile, Team 2, seething in anger at long waits on virtually EVERY shot, managed to catch a movie at the turn. Joebob, playing in his 1st WDI since his disabling injury almost a year ago, was EN FUEGO, and went on a tear—–recording 3 birdies and a 37 on the front 9, enroute to a 84. Kapalua, the pre-tournament favorite, was out of sync, and frustrated by the long round, shot 86. Tour rookie, Johhny ” Kluz ” Kluzek from the Czech Republic had a respectible 88 and met his quota on the number. And Snooter’s marker/fill-in Sellers Gaunt, tall, slender and malnourished shot 86. You see, as is his M O, the Snoot was delayed once again, on Day One. But, hell, this wasn’t too bad——-sometimes he missed the whole fucking trip. This time he ONLY missed the first round and one of his pals from Birmingham, Gaunt, filled in for him. Snoot did managed to arrive in B’Ham in time for dinner at Cafe duPont and the customary 25 drink-8 bottles of wine WDI dinner.

An overcast sky and forboding Shoal Creek awaited the boys on Day 2 and it proved to be just as challenging as it was 2 years ago. Kapalua, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican – Hawaiian, shook off the cobwebs and dinner the night before, and recorded a blistering 80 ( he shot 79 back in 2009 ) and shared 2nd place at day’s end with the Snake at -2, who also carded an 80. But, kudos of the day, fell to the middle-aged European rookie, Kluz, who took over 1st place at -1. ( Joebob and Boynie shared 1st place at +4, but fell apart like cheap suits on Day 2 ) The foreign press, especially those from the Czech Republic were going crazy….”Screw that tennis player Dojicendhfbc ?” We want the Kluzster…” Could he be just the 3rd rooke in WDI history ( after Briggsey and the Snake ) to win in just his 1st tournament. Let’s see? NOT!!!

Meanwhile, the Alzheimer’s ailment ( Where’s my glasses….Who are you ) reared its ugly head for a 2nd straight day, as Snoot lost HIS camera and eyeglasses….BEFORE he teed off. And was he teed off!!! Unable to see the ball, greens, trees, golfing partners and recovering from the night before when he got SNOOTFACED……he gamely shot 98 freefalling to last place. By the time he finished his round, the gallery and European press were nowhere to be seen. Actually, they had qued up and were busily peppering questions to Kapalua and the Snake. Kap was wearing extra dark sunglasses as he answered anal questions by a buxomed, blonde, bombshell Golf Channel reporter—–but his head tilt gave him away!

Licking their wounds and a few limes and Tequila at Hot and Hot Fish Club was the proper remedy that night, because the cold Fish turned Hot and Hotter at Farmlinks on Day 3–as was the Kluzster–they both came in at +7 with scores of 85 and 82. Kluz took a commanding, not to be overcome, no fucking way lead at +6 going in to the final day. WHOOPS.( Slithering up the fairway was the Snake who came in at 0, and 2d place) Bunched up at -3 were 3 past Champs: Kapafuckinglua; Hot and Hotter Fish and Boynie AKA Mr. Shankapottamas ( he only had 5 shanks on Friday )

Although this was moving day, Snoot managed to stay put with Joebob and the Neck. Sellers Gaunt was nowhere to be seen. However, someone said there was a sighting of Sellers at the Walker Cabin earlier that morning wrestling with a beaver! ( We hope his wife doesn’t find out ) But no offical word.

That nite at GianMarcos fine Italian ristorante, after too much wine/drinks ( again ) and too much food (again ) the boys super glued Snoot’s glasses to his head; Necks’ laser to his hip and Boynies wallet to his hand. Guess what? No more Alzheimers!!!!!!!

Day 4–Finals day @ grand Old Overton, where we played that 6-hour round on Wed. ( a private course ), started out warily when Course Super Mark Cagle called Kapalua and asked, very diplomatically if the boys would like to come out a little earlier…say, 6am. That way, the WDIers would be through for dinner that night at beautiful Highlands Grill. And ALL putts over 6 inches would be “GOOD “.

A compromise was agreed upon and play started. While the Kluzster held an “insurmountable ” lead and was playing ‘lights’ out the day before—he unfortunately also got SNOOTFACED the night before at GianMarcos and his game and his mind became —KLUELESS. Leaking oil after 5 holes, he was on the verge of capsizing. Shouts of ” Abandon ship..Abandon ship were heard emitting from his arse- hole.

The trio of Kap, Fish and Boynie, wannabe leaders, could have been contenders, if they played their ‘fish’ guts out—-BUT 84–93–89 respectively dashed their hopes. Little Clam Neck made a late charge with a 83, but losing his laser 12 times that week proved to be his undoing. Plus, at 4′ 10″ he barely could see the flags, even from 50 yards out. PITY. Joebob, who at 3000-1 odds, tried to defy the oddsmaker with his brilliant 1st day lead, but Golf Channel commentators Brandel Chamblee and Frank”Duke ” Nobilo said succinctly, ” You can’t expect too much outta Joebob, since this is his 1st tourney in almost a year. We applaud his toughness and we’ve got a shoulder for you to lean on, whenver you want.”

Yes, that same Duke Nobilo of WDI fame, who somehow finegaled a commentator’s spot after being DQed in April for ” consorting with dogs ” by the Commish. Something about, Fuck you guys, I’ll call my ‘new’ bestest buddy…Arnie. He owns the Golf Channel.” Plus, I want to be there to see the WDIers sweat like whores in church.” And they did!!!

Snooter made a late charge, also with an 80 ( w/4 birdies ) BUT like the low-lying, crawling snake that he is…..Jake “the Snake” shot a sterling 73 to Kluz’s 91 ( they flip-flopped in standings ) and won the 65th WDI by 6 points over a heartbroken but gamey ( whew ) Kluz. ” CZECHMATE” yelled Snake as he holed his final putt, fist clenched ala Tiger, and looking directly at his Czech counterpart. In his best English and a classic sportsmanlike gesture..Kluz fired back with ” Fuck u! ( with middle-finger extended )

FEMA cops hired by Old Overton policed the large, unruly crowd. The big burly FEMA cop, still had his eyes on the little Kraut, as the FEMA boys escorted the WDIers right off the 18th into their awaiting SUVs….tasty topless dancers from Club Cheetah were jostling and speaking Czech in order to attract Kluz’s attention. But into their cars they went AND would arrive at Highland’s Grill on time for their victory dinner celebration. What a tourney!!!!

See you at the last Major of the year at a venue yet to be decided.

Yours in sports,
Wick Wiley

FINAL SCORES

1. JAKE THE SNAKE …..+6           2-MAN TEAM SCORES

2. KLUZ……………………….0              NECK AND JAKE……..+1
3. BOYNIE…………………..-2             JOEBOB AND KLUZ….-7
4. NECK……………………..-5               SNOOT AND FISH……-7
5. KAPALUA……………….-6              KAPALUA AND BOYNIE -8
5. FISH………………………-6
7. JOEBOB…………………-7
7. SNOOT…………………..-7

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2011 Birmingham

The noise was deafening………………..Horns were blaring, tires were screeching, young tasty Tampa U coeds were crying, uncontrollably and middle-aged salt and pepper haired men were chanting : WDI ! WDI! WDI! WDI!

Boys, Golf Digest just came out with its issue of Best 100 Private Courses and Best 100 Public Courses for this year. I looked over the list closely and came up with a few ideas on which venues we should pursue. Of course, we need help with some of the private courses….we have seen recently the problem with Birmingham CC and the need for members to play with us. We didn’t have that situation at Old Overton, Oakland Hills, Oakmont or So. Hills, but that’s because we had friends at high places. ( or bros in high places )

MARYLAND….Congressional ( #77 ) Blue is the key to playing there, with Caves Valley, Baltimore CC, Bulles Rock, Burning Tree and Congressional Gold as the other possibilities. Let’s put Snooter in charge of Maryland and see if we can get to play Congressional Blue and the others.

CALIFORNIFICATION…Olympic ( #27 ), Preserve ( # 68 ) and Monterrey Penin. ( #79 ) are the plums. Joe Hodge never got the responses we needed. Let’s put Duke in charge and maybe contact Gil to see if he has any leverage.

MICHIGAN….Forest Dunes was listed as # 99 in the Private 100 list…a pleasant surprise Neck. And we have played #12 Crystal Downs, #24 Oakland Hills, #49 Arcadia Bluffs on the private list AND #44 Black Lake, # 66 Bay Harbor and #81 Grand Traverse ( Bear ) on the Public list. But wait, there are more we havent played…….#33 True North, #36 Tullymore, #53 Eagle Eye, #69 Elk Ridge and # 88 Lakewood Shores. Let’s place Neck in charge to see if we can play those NEW courses, of course depending on logistics. Are these courses north or south? Then, we have Belvedere etc.in the north as well.

The WDI has played a bunch of both the 100 Private and Public Courses….of interest per their rankings, first on the Private 100 are: Oakmont #4; Pebble #6; Crystal Downs #12; Pacific Dunes # 15; Whistling Straits #17; Oakland Hills #24; Bandon Dunes #28; Pinehurst # 2 ( 37; So. Hills #38; TPC Sawgrass #41; Arcadia Bluffs #49; Spyglass #52; Laurel Valley # 55; Bandon Trails #63; Blackwolf Run #71; SHOAL CREEK #72; and Froest Dunes #99.

The 100 Public Courses that we have played is more extensive: Pebble #1; Pac Dunes #2; Whistling #3; Bandon #4; Pnehurst #2 (8 ); TPC Sawgrass #9; Arcadia #10; Ban. Trails #14; Blackwolf #15; Forest Dunes #20; Torrey Pines #43; Black Lake #44; Pine Needles #48; Golden Horseshoe #50; World Woods #55; Span. Bay #57; pga wEST #62; bAY Harbor #66; Pinehurst #8 ( 68 ); Grand Traverse ( Bear ) #81; and how bout Innisbrook at #93 ( which we have played but not as a group )

Finally, we are playing in Alabama in May…they rank the courses we are playing as follows: 1. Shoal Creek; 5. Old Overton 7. Farmlinks ( we played Greystone 2 years ago it was rated 9 ) Unfortunately, B’Ham Cc was rated 2 and the other courses rated were some of the Rob. Trent Jones Trail Courses. But not the ones in B’Ham.

So boys, let’s get to work and see if we can get on the primo courses…because our motto is, ” We gotta play as many of the World’s Top Courses before the Good Lord takes us.” Let’s have an executive meeting in B’Ham in May….I expect each of you gentlemen to present your findings to the entire board at that time!!!!!

Yours golfingly,

Kapalua

WICK WILEY: HOW NERVOUS WERE YOU PUTTING DOWNHILL ON NO. 12 WITH THE PIN IN FRONT?

KAPALUA: ( LAUGHING ) NERVOUS AS A WHORE IN CHURCH, WICK.

WW:  84, 82, 81 CHAMPIONSHIP FLIGHT…3RD PLACE. IMPRESSIVE!  IS THAT THE BEST YOU’VE PLAYED IN A GASPARILLA TOURNAMENT?

KAP: YES, WICK IT IS. I THINK THE PRESSURE ( NOT CAROL PRESSURE, AN OLD COLLEGE FLAME ) IS OFF ME, SO TO SPEAK. PLUS, I’VE BEEN HITTING THE BALL MORE BETTERER IN RECENT WDI TOURNEYS.

WW: WHY DIDN’T THE REST OF THE WDI TOUR PLAYERS PARTICIPATE IN GASPARILLA , KAP?

KAP: WELL ONE BIG REASON, IS THAT THEY ARE A BUNCH OF SCHMOOS. DUKE, JUST GOT BACK FROM A WEEK OF ALCOHOL IMBIBING AND DEBAUCHERY IN DAYTONA…HE WAS OUT OF IT. SNOOT DOGGY-DOG WAS IN ATLANTA WTH DORA LOOKING FOR JIM’S KNOBS OR SOME KIND OF KNOBS FOR HIS NEW TOWNHOME; JOEBOB’S STILL ON IR; NECK DIDN’T PASS HIS PHYSICAL; FISH, BOYNIE AND BRONECK DIDNT’ QUALIFY.

WW: WHAT ABOUT BRIGGS?

KAP: OH, THE LARGE-HEADED MAN FINISHED HIS FIRST TWO ROUNDS WITH SCORES OF 81, 78…BUT AFTER TRYING TO FISH HIS BALL OUT OF THE LAKE ON NO. 13, THE WEIGHT OF HIS HEAD WHILE LEANING OVER CAUSED HIM TO FALL OVER INTO THE LAKE AND HE DROWNED.

WW: BUMMER…DID THEY RECOVER HIS BODY.

KAP: NO, JUST HIS HEAD. WHEN THEY FISHED IT OUT, THE WATER LEVEL WENT DOWN 10 FEET.

WW: WOW, WOULD HAVE LOVED TO BEEN THERE.   KAP, HAS THE WDI TOUR BEEN GIVEN A SHOT OF CREDIBILITY AFTER ARNOLD PALMER ENDORSED IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AT BAY HILL?

KAP: ( FROWNING ) DOES A BEAR SHIT IN THE WOODS, WICK? OF COURSE IT HAS…WHAT ARE YOU A MORON?

WW: NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH SOME PEOPLE HAVE CALLED ME THAT.( BECOMES RED-FACED )

KAP: ARNIE’S THE KING. ANYTHING HE TOUCHES WILL TURN TO GOLD.

WW: HOW DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO FARE  AT SHOAL CREEK, ALABAMA IN MAY? ( SITE OF 36TH WDI TOURNEY )

KAP: I THINK I’M THE ODDS ON FAVORITE WICK. WHO’S GOING TO BEAT ME: 2 GUYS WITH BAD SHOULDERS…THE BIG MOMMALUKE…THE SMELLY PESCADO..MR. SHANKSALOT..THE AGING NECK OR SNOOT DOGGY DOG?

WW: IF I SAY JORGE KAPALUA TO SOMEBODY, WHAT’S THE FIRST THING THEY THINK OF?

KAP: GOOD-LOOKING, SWEET SWINGING TRICK SHOT ARTIST WHO LIVES IN SICILY IN THE OFF SEASON.

WW: SO, WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

KAP: GO FUCK YOURSELF WICK. WHAT A STUPID QUESTION. ( GETS UP AND LEAVES )

WW: THANKS FOR YOUR TIME……………..

NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW WAS PATTERNED AFTER DAN PATRICK’S JUST MY TYPE COLUMN IN EVERY SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE. ALL ACCOUNTS OF PEOPLE AND PLACES ARE FIGMENTS OF WILEY’S VIVID IMAGINATION AND HE SHOULD NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.

                   The WDI was officially recognized as a professional tour by the ” King ” in a moving, secret ceremony in his private, plush office at Bay Hill C. C. last week. Wearing his official WDI tour hat and lapel pin ( sold to him for only $29.95 by Commissioner Kapalua) Mr. Palmer looked up to the unshaven, tobacco chewing 7′ 2″ Duke of Scary (a Frank Nobilo look-alike) and said ” Duke, even though you look like a ‘bochagaloop’, congratulations for winning the 2011 Bay Hill Classic. Now, I have to leave and play a round with REAL golfers.”

                 The last image you have is of Arnie, straining and dragging the big” bochagaloop”, who is hanging on Arnie’s pants as he was leaving his office…and crying uncontrollaby. Geez, talk about an embarrassing moment. Get a life, Duke!!!!

                The 2011 Tourney actually began a couple days earlier at posh Islesworth C.C. in Windermere (home of El Tigre, et al) when Kapalua, Snoot, Duke and Steve-O ( Duke’s assistant and previous WDI participant ) played a practice round with Mark O’Meara and after the round posed for pictures around the now-famous Tiger fire hydrant, that could easily be mistaken for Mike “Neck ” Nectarine ( short, squat and an eye-sore ) Pieces of a Nike 5-iron, mascara, lip gloss and a battered cell-phone could still be seen surrounding the hydrant, as evidence of an affair (s) gone bad.

               The next morning, the Executive Committee of the WDI motored down I-4 to Panther Lake @ Orange County National to meet up with the other ‘puds’ for round one. And what a great opening round it was! Pre-tournament favorite—the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican, Hawaiian Kapalua got out of the gates quickly, as is his trademark, shooting a blistering 77 w/ 2 birdies to share the 1st round lead with Everymans “fav”….Snoot Doggy Dog (who shot 78 w/ 3 birdies also at +7)

                Duke, meanwhile, parlayed 3 back nine birdies en route to a 73 and third place at +4, while the short, stocky Kraut, Neck, probably playing in his last tournament due to poor play and bad hygiene, surprised the large, unruly crowd with a 84…good enough for 4th place and +2. Overall, their 4-man quota was a WDI record +20!

              Once again, their evening at Christini’s Italian Ristorante, proved to be Kapalua’s downfall (and to a few others) After several ‘nice’ martinis, 6 bottles of Amarone wine, delicious gnocchis in a tangy bolognese sauce; remarkably fresh Calamari and succulent osso bucco, that was as tender as a womans’s heart, the night was just getting started. Hung over and feeling like shit is the norm for Day 2 at a WDI Tournament, however. And to boot, they were playing tough Bay Hills for rounds 2 and 3. Whether it was too much booze, indigestion, rainy weather or too little sleep, day 2 was a Mofo.

              Duke shot in the 70s again ( 75 ) to take over 1st place and everyone else fell apart ( yeah, yeah, we know…like a cheap suit, etc. etc) Boynie, even with new clubs and a pretty new blue bag, and recently just released from Shankoppotomas Rehab days earlier, went smartly INTO the tank. The Fishman, just couldn’t get his act together and everyone agreed, yes…his game smelled like spoiled mullet. Broneck, who last had a great tounament at Bay Hill in the 50s, hit the ball straight, but couldn’t putt those “hairy-assed” greens. And 2nd time contestant, Sam “The Sham” Duffey lost his Pharoahs early on the front nine and never broke the century mark for his two rounds. Rumors were they had to leave to fly back to Cairo to lead the demonstrations. That was ok for Bay Hill officials, as several hundred white-hooded Pharoahs caused security concerns for the entire tourney. An abundance of falafel, hummus and stinky camel dung permeated the atmosphere.

             In the end, while everyone could blame the cold and rainy weather, the slow, hairy-assed greens, arthritis and diarheea; one thing was certain—–it was anybody’s tournament to win on the final day EXCEPT…Boynie, Broneck, Neck, Fish and Sam the Sham!!!  However, Kapalua and Snoot-Dog, with their 10 handicaps and acute knowledge of Bay Hill were lurking quietly nearby. Snooter exclaimed, “I can win this thing.I know this course as well as the back of my penis .” To which Kapalua shouted, ” C’mon Snoot, put that vienna sausage back in your pants, before someone sees it.” Good thing they weren’t roommates!!!!!!!!!!

           Notwithstanding the final drama, the Duke seemed detached from the play by grinding on every hole, and focusing on holding the coveted pewter cup by day’s end. Given erroneous information by the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto-Rican-Hawaiian on the 15th green, could have been fatal to his attempt. Told by his caddie vis-a-vis Kapalua that he was only ahead by one point and in the fairway bunker on the par-5 16th….the bochagolopop Duke went for the green in two. From 237 yards out , around trees and over water, his 3-wood from the bunker landed on the green 15 feet from the hole…..of course he missed the eagle, but birdied the hole.

        Both Snoot and Kap knew it was game-over, but then, it had been since the 9th hole. 3-putts were the norm, when birdies could have made the difference. There was no late charge…no Arnie’s Army…not even the Pharoah’s were around. It was just the big lug, Duke and the coveted cup, again. Yawn……….

           SOME QUESTIONS AND OBSERVATIONS FROM THE 2011 WDI TOURNEY AT BAY HILL

         1. DOES THE NECK NEED SOME ‘ANGER’ MANAGEMENT COURSES SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR RESTAURANT DINING? OR SHOULD HE EAT DINNER SOLO AT 5:30 PM AND GO DIRECTLY TO BED?

         2. IS THE LARGE CHILEAN SEA BASS A DONE DEAL AT AGE 76 AFTER HIS 10TH STRAIGHT MISSED CUT AFTER WINNING AT SOUTHERN HILLS IN 1973?

         3. CAN THE SHANKAPOTTOMAS AKA BERNIE FIND HAPPINESS IN ANOTHER SPORT, LIKE KNITTING? OR SHOULD WE JUST CHOP OFF HIS ARMS FROM THE SHOULDER?

         4. IS SAM THE SHAM CUTTING TIES WITH THE PHAROAHS OR DO THE PHAROAHS JUST WANT TO CUT UP SAM? DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY SAM’S TIME-SHARE IN A ‘NICE’ CAIRO  CONDO? 

         5. AFTER PLAYING LIKE A FUCKING SCHMOO IN HIS FIRST 10 WDI TOUNAMENTS….HOW AND WHY IS THE DUKE OF SCARY SHOOTING HIS HANDICAP AND WINNING? CAN YOU SAY HGH? TESTING WILL BE THE NORM AT ALL FUTURE TOURNEYS….. DUKE ARMSTRONG.

         6. WHY WAS SNOOTDOGGY DOG SEEN BUYING ‘EXTEND A PENIS ‘ CREAM AFTER HIS REMARKS ABOUT HIS PENIS? AND CAN ANYONE BREAK THE RECORD OF 53 JESSIES IN ONLY 3 DAYS BY HIM? MAYBE THE SNOOT IN MAY AT SHOAL CREEK?

             Maybe the answers to these tough questions will be revealed at the next WDI tourney in Alabama @ Shoal Creek in May 2011. Until then, hit em straight…..see you in Birmingham.

                                                                                               Golfingly yours,

                                                                                                 Wick Wiley

                                                           TOURNAMENT SCORES

                                            ISLESWORTH       PANTHER LAKE     BAY HILL    BAY HILL

1. DUKE  +3…………………………….74                              73                         75                   78

2. SNOOT -3…………………………….84                            78                         85                   86

3. KAPALUA -4…………………………83                           77                         86                   87

4. NECK -6………………………………DNP                         84                         89                   89

5. BOYNIE -9……………………………DNP                       91                        101                   91

6. BRONECK -12……………………….DNP                      87                          93                   88

7. FISH -15……………………………….DNP                       90                        102                  93

8.SAM THE SHAM -27………………..DNP                    DQ                       105                 106

9. STEVE-O DID NOT QUALIFY…….93                  N/A                     N/A                 N/A

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2011 Bay Hill

“Get outta here you asshole and take your old ‘codger’ buddy with you!” yelled the Steeler-clad bartender with a cute ponytail. “Screw you!” hollered the Duke. “And I hope your shitty team loses Sunday!” (it did 17-14 to the Ravens) Marriott security hurried into the Steelhead Lounge at the City Center and quickly escorted the two inebriated WDlers out of the bar. “Can you believe that asshole?” exclaimed Duke. To which Snooter replied, “I can’t believe he called me an old fuck!!!” Hey Snoot, look in the friggin’ mirror!!!!!!!!!

And so, the 2010 Pittsburgh WDI began. Actually, it began earlier that day at hallowed Oakmont Country Club, some say is the hardest golf course in the world. Four of the WDI boys (only 4 were allowed) were there playing a practice round in preparation for the WDI tourney. Practice round at Oakmont? Are you fucking crazy? How about a final championship round at fabled Oakmont? And how bout those scores: Bernie 78, Kapalua and Snoot 79 and Duke..76. Oh, I forgot to tell you…..they ONLY played 16 holes.

A nasty Noreaster blew into Pittsburgh on Thursday morning and it was touch and go as to whether the course would be playable. But like Southern Hills in Tulsa, Oakmont drained remarkably fast and the boys got off at 4:15 on #12 and played til dark. Even if they all had bogeyed 10 and 11 (both par 4s) those still would have been respectable scores on the Monster.

Day 2 brought sunshine, cold temps in the 50s and the Fitzgerald boys (my cousins)—Kevin (Fitz) and his son Chris (Son of a Fitz) to Laurel Valley, a beautiful Palmer course about 11/2 hours south of Pittsburgh, right down the road from Latrobe, Pa and past site of the ‘65 PGA and ‘75 Ryder Cup. “This has to be one of the most beautiful courses in the world… I can’t wait to play it” said Snoot-Dog. BUT HOLD IT, maybe Snoot and Duke would be barred from playing ANY further golf. Yikes!!!!!!!!

Let’s back up. After the confrontation with the burly (but cute) Pittsburgh bartender, Commissioner Kapalua called an emergency meeting of the WDI Executive Committee to discuss sanctions, including possible suspension of Snoot and Duke for their “outlandish conduct”. One Executive Committee member who shall remain anonymous (a short, mustached German-looking gent) blurted out, “Their conduct is unfathomable…..they should be suspended, spanked and fined. It tarnishes the WDI Tour image…sort of gives us a black eye. Sig heil” When everything looked dark and dismal for Snoot and Duke after the 1^st vote (1-1 with one abstention), the Commish walked back into the crowded conference room, drinking a ‘nice’ martini and wearing a new Oakmont golf shirt, compliments of Duke and Snoot and shouted ….” no suspension, they are allowed to compete.” Can you say graft, bribery and extortion? I thought you could.

So, at last the 43rd WDI Tourney commenced at Laurel Valley with only 7 golfers. (Joebob was on injured reserve) as Boynie’s future son-in-law, Goldeelocks (aka Andy Goldman) was delayed arriving from Chicago. He and Boynie’s beautiful daughter, Lauren were visiting Pittsburgh and introducing Goldeelocks to Boynie’s in-laws, the Fokkers (a cranky pair of 96 yr.olds) That nite back in Pittsburgh after a fabulous Italian meal, compliments of my cucinos at Alla Famiglia, and after 6 bottles of delicious Brunello di Montalcino…. a sullen and emotional Goldeelocks grabbed Bernie by his WDl lapel pin and pleaded, “Please, don’t make me go back there. Pleez Bernie, ah, Dad, ah Boynie/Dad etc” And all Bernie did was to look away into his ‘nice’ glass of Limoncello and laugh…a long, hard wicked laugh.

The whole crew left early Saturday morning and proceded to Firestone to finish the tournament. While Firestone is actually comprised of three courses, South, North and West, the South course is where most of the championship action has taken place. Firestone South has hosted the PGA Championship in 1960, 1966 and 1975 as well as, the American Golf Classic, CBS Golf Classic and the World Series of Golf since 1962 (they now host the Bridgestone Classic)

But what got the WDlers talking was the Clubhouse. It’s golf nirvana! Upstairs are suites surrounded by a large living area w/open bar, 24/7 and comfy leather chairs and at least 10 large screen TVs, showing every sports event in the US. So, in the end there were finally 2 foursomes made up of a Tampan from Chicago; 2 Pittsburghans from Chicago; a Chicagoan; a Tampan from Pittsburgh, a Tampan from Philly and finally Snoot, by way of Dublin. WTF???

The Duke played splendid golf in the 50 degree, chilly, wet weather all weekend… Kapalua made a charge, but came up short, as did Boynie; the Fish was out of water too long and fizzled out; the Fitz boys did well in their first WDI as did Goldeelocks but the Snoot, well what can you say, except…Wat Da Wa!!!!!

See you in 2011,

Rick Reilly

SCORES

OAKMONT (16 holes)

1          DUKE                                     76

2          BOYNIE                                  78

3          KAPALUA                             79

3          SNOOT                                  79

LAUREL VALLEY

1          DUKE                                     80

2          KAPALUA                             91

2          SNOOT                                  91

4          SON OF A FITZ                     93

5          BOYNIE                                  94

6          FISH                                       98

7          FITZ                                        101

FIRESTONE SOUTH

1          DUKE                                     79

2          KAPALUA                             82

3          GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d)     90

4          FITZ                                        92

5          SON OF A FITZ                     95

5          SNOOT                                  95

7          FISH                                       98

8          BOYNIE                                  99

FIRESTONE NORTH (9 holes)

1          DUKE                                     36

2          SNOOT                                  40

3          KAPALUA                             42

4          BOYNIE                                  45

5          SON OF A FITZ                     46

5          FISH                                       46

7          FITZ                                        47

8          GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d)     48

FINAL SCORES

1          DUKE                                     -4

2          KAPALUA                             -12

3          BOYNIE                                  -15

4          SON OF A FITZ                     -17

5          SNOOT                                  -18

5          FISH                                       -18

7          FITZ                                        -23

8          GOLDEELOCKS (DQ’d)     DQ

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2010 Oakmont, Laurel Valley, Firestone

The sleek black Celtic Golf tour van rolled to a crunching stop at the pebble-strewn entrance to Tralee after a bumpy 2 hour drive from the Shannon Airport and out poured (literally) 6 tired, glassy-eyed golfers. “Stick a fork in me, I’m done”, yelled Snoot to no one in general, as he hurriedly exited the bus.

Was it jet-lag, the ensuing long bus ride and the excitement of playing the 1^st round of golf in Ireland OR could it have been the incessant, mindless chatter of the Celtic driver, Jumping Johnny YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, Weghlan that caused that “deer in the headlight stares” from the WDI lads.

Johnny, a born and bred Dubliner, spoke with the usual Irish brogue and had the usual Irish ‘summer teeth’ (some were there… some weren’t)

If Jimmy the Geek had wagered that no one could talk nonstop for 2 hours (other than ugly women) he would have lost the bet. And if the WDI boys had taken a 100 true/false test on Irish history, I think they would have aced it. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Back to the golf story. Once again, a ‘rookie’ golfer defied the odds, the prospect of volcanic ash, Johnny the bus driver and the rugged weather of S.W. Ireland to win the 26th WDI Tourney. Jake “The Snake” Nellis, Snoot’s stepson, a 6 handicapper from Atlanta and a veteran of the past two Snoot Father/Son tourneys, stepped into WDI immortality by posting a final round 77 at Lahinch to win despite a late charge by the cagey vet duo of Kapalua (84) and the Duke of Eric (74).

Jake knew it was going to be a tough battle, but he didn’t realize how demanding his game would have to be, in order to prevail and ‘beat off’ (so to speak) his challengers. And he also didn’t realize what “a pain in the ass” this trip would be to him. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Kapalua, as usual, led the field after the first round at Tralee, (83) by one over Jake (81) and 2 over Duke (79). The good looking Puerto-Rican Hawaiian has a history of fast starts and slow finishes, and this WDI was no exception. Day 2 at Ballybunion was colder (high 50s), windier and a lot more tougherer.

With the first tee shot slung over an ancient cemetery, every shot was challenging but fun. Kapalua (85) and Jake (82) shared first place by a scant 3 points over Duke (81) and 9 points over a recalcitrant JoeBabbo (91). But, what about the Snooters? Snoot and Snoot Jr. (Alan McNulty)? Can you say 5th and 6th place? And there were only 6 golfers!!!

Snoot Sr. was in a freefall looking very much like a green beret parachutist, but w/o his parachute. He had been ‘en fuego’ for most of the 09·10 WDI season; tying for 1st w/Duke at Shoal Creek; coming in 2d after leading for 5 and 7/8 rounds at Oakland Hills, Michigan and winning handily at Bay Hill this past January. However, it appears that he had ‘shot his wad’. He would eventually make WDI infamy by going from ‘first to worst.’ YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

Snoot Junior, was unfortunately, emulating his ‘old man’ after several rounds, but suddenly found his game ‘laddie’ and made a late run at Old Head and Doonbeg, only to fall apart like a cheap suit at Lahinch. He encountered “bunkermania.”

Meanwhile, the ‘dark’ horse of the tourney, going in and perennial fan favorite, JoeBabbo, just couldn’t find his mojo. When he realized on the first day at Man Friday’s Pub that there is no pasta in Ireland, his eyes watered briefly, his shoulders sagged and his game sucked from that point on. He started out 95-91-88 and then he heavily hit the sauce (not tomato). YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

The Duke of Eric, low handicapper of the group (3), and the ONLY Royal as well, had the most consistent rounds and lowest score of the tourney (74), but he couldn’t master the elements, master his roommate Snoot’s snoring or just plain masturbate! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? But, his late charge at Lahinch made his tournament respectable.

After Jake’s 77 was posted and the WDI aluminum trophy presented at the Lahinch clubhouse, he quaffed down his 4^th Smithwick’s and quietly enjoyed the paparazzi’s attention. He hoisted up his pint and gave the ever increasing press corp an update on his physical condition and then left carrying his portable bidet.

Some interesting tidbits were gleaned from this 26th WDI trip: Kapalua’s oft-told fabricated story of large hares, wolverines and donkeys may turn out to be partially credible. Some of the lads did see several large hares hopping around the courses, but Alan McNulty noted, “I thought I saw a 5 foot hare in the distant fog, but when I got close it was the Duke bending over in his beige rainsuit tying his shoes.” Sorry Kapalua.

Secondly, as you would all agree playing with your pals in Ireland is awesome, BUT Snoot, playing with his sons was, according to him “unfriggingbelievable”. And thirdly, the WDI found its home as it was tacked up on an ancient wooden beam at a 15th century pub, Durty Nelly’s, next to fire rescue and police department crests from all over the world. The ceremony only took turdy or farty seconds.

But, when all is said and done, when the last round is played; the last dinner enjoyed and the last goodbyes shared and you reflect how terribly worn out you are physically and emotionally….spent tons of cash, suffered heartburn/hangovers/hemorrhoids, poor decisions, bad swings and lost a hundred balls…..

When you reflect back further on the trip with the outstanding hotels; delicious meals, fantastic courses, great camaraderie and if you’re lucky in some cases w/your sons and brothers, everyone and I mean everyone…..wants to go back and do it all over again. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Yeah, I think I do!!!!!!!

Poga-Mothoin,

Rick Reilly

FINAL SCORES

1          JAKE              -81-82-85-75-81-77

2          KAPALUA     -83-85-91-85-89-84

3          DUKE             -79-81-83-82-84-74

4          JOEBOB        -95-91-88-90-91-88

5          ALAN              -101-100-98-89-94-97

6          SNOOT          -95-93-94-88-90-92

Click here to go to the photo gallery: 2010 Southern Ireland