On a cold, blustery day in Doonbeg, off the northwest coast in Ireland, “the large-headed man” sat down to a pint of Guinness, relished its flavor and smiled at his scorecard which reflected a round of 78 (actually, his third round of 78 this week to go along with a 79 and 81). It had been a long time since a “rookie” won a WDI event, but Mike “Melon Head” Briggs had done just that.

To win at Doonbeg, the last leg of a grueling five-round tournament, he had to “beat-off,” so to speak, three tough challengers, each of whom was tied for second place, five points behind the large-headed man at -13. They included “The Kid,” a 19-year-old wonderkid from Ohio and a “scratch” golfer (I think it could have been the crabs.), the steely-eyed two-time EuroChamp, “The Bolt” and four-time, good-looking WDI U.S. Champ, and everyone’s favorite, Kapalua. But before I get to the final round, here are some of the highlights of the 26th WDI tournament in Ireland.

All the rookies played well, especially the Ohioans, The Kid and Jack “Humpty”

Briggs. Jack led the tournament after day one at Carnes, probably the hardest of he five courses, shooting 82 and co-led again after day three (shooting 79) at County Sligo with The Kid who had posted a 78; both led at -5. But the tourney was far from over. Many more strokes of sheer golf-skill were forthcoming from this crazy group of (by this time) women-starved immature hooligans.

Jerry “The Gimp” Newman and “Wildman” Wilde played consistent golf all week.

The Gimp was in danger of being shot (THEY SHOOT HORSES DON’T THEY?) on several occasions due to faulty wheels but managed to tough it out on the last day at Doonbeg to tie Wilde for fifth place at -18. After seeing Wilde’s swing, many of the young, Irish caddies were in a Sodom-Gomorrah like trance for several seconds and then tried hard not to make eye contact with him for the rest of the round. And Wilde thought it was his breath. Those in the group who had never played with Wilde actually thought he was a trick-shot artist on the first tee at Adare Manor.

Joe Bob, meanwhile, started 92-101, due, once again, to Kapalua’s influence on

innovative drinking techniques and loud snoring. After overcoming both, he rallied at County Sligo to take low net of the day (+8) and shoot 83. That set him up to play consistent golf at Connemara and Doonbeg, as he ended up in third place at -14.

Hyden-Seek started out slow also, shooting 85-92, then capped the week’s

tournament with low net at Doonbeg with a +8, as he shot 79. Hyden-Seek finished fourth at -16. His experience as he plays more WDI competitive golf (vs. the crap they do at Tampa Palms) is helping him cope with the pressure, and he did well.

His sleeping partner, the Snoot-Doggy-Dog, had a horrendous week. Although his start was legendary Snoot, shooting 88-83, winning money and shouting, “WHAT DAT WA”, lack of sleep, too much wind, too few Jessie’s, no Starbucks, and one too many conference calls led to his demise, as he shot the high score of the day at Doonbeg (96) and limped home last. There would not be any more of “SIT ON THIS FAT HOG” exclamations on Saturday.

The new betting event, in which one of the low handicappers choose (out of a hat) a high handicapper, proved to be fun and competitive. Globe Head and Jerry Newman, who had started out last after day one, won by 5 points over the second place puds, Hyden-Seek and Joe Bob. However, no money for second place, puds. Sorry.

Now back to the final round at Doonbeg. Moving through the media jam leading up to the first tee box, the large-headed man bounced along like a kite in the wind, never looking at any one reporter but gazing nervously down the first fairway, bundled up for hurricane-like winds, hung over and seemingly lost and in his own little world. (globe)

By contrast, his main competitors and playing partners were loose like a goose. The Kid, who had just awakened from a two-hour nap, was fit as a fiddle as he quaffed down two quick pints of Carlsberg. The Bolt, confident in his current, haughty state, was busy telling a BBC crew that after the match, he planned on traveling to Disney World. Kapalua, meanwhile, was busy putting on his game face while talking to two blonde, gorgeous ESPN sportscasters explaining to them what two and one meant (a threesome) in golf jargon.

But, by the first hole, the match was essentially over as Potato Head birdied, The

Kid bogeyed, and Bolt and Kapalua parred. Potato Head managed to birdie two more holes en route to a 36-42 round. Bolt tried to keep up gallantly after birdieing the fourth but only managed a +1 day and second place. The Kid and Kapalua both fell apart on the back nine, like cheap suits at the Men’s Wearhouse and plummeted to eight and ninth, respectively.

You can call him Large Head, Melon Head, or Big Head, but in the end, you have to call him Mr. Consistent Large Head, thank you very much. In the words of Julius Cesar, “Big Head come, Big Head drink (a lot), Big Head conquers.”

 

 FINAL STANDINGS

1          Melon Head               -7

2          Bolt                             -12

3          Joe Bob                     -14

4          Hyde n’ Seek             -16

5          Wildman                     -18      tie

5          Newman                     -18      tie

7          Jack Briggs               -19

8          The Kid                       -20

9          Kapalua                      -23

10        Snooter                      -35

There you have it, boys and girls. A great tournament ends the ’08 season, as

’09 promises to be even better. WDI venues are currently being studied, but make no mistake, it would be hard to top ’08. Bay Hill – Orlando, Southern Hills – Tulsa, The Snoot ’08 – Atlanta, and finally, N.W. Ireland.

See you in ’09.

Rick Reilly