KAPALUA KLOBBERS KREWE

                                                                       AT 2017 AUSTIN WDI

                                                                   by: Wick E. Wiley, ESPN

        It happened so very, very fast!  Burly, black-shirted QTSI security personnel grabbed poor Joebob’s shoulders and heels, catapaulting his drink, chips and glasses into the air, as they dragged him off the SW flight. Squealing like a stuck pig, and bleeding profusely through his nose, Joebob couldn’t stop the inevitable brute force ( not Brent Strength ).However, deep inside his mind, he knew that by not arriving in Austin in time for the start of the Austin WDI….he could be DQed! And that worried the WDI front runner.

Who was behind this travesty, this thuggery? Who wanted him ( a 2-1 favorite through Las Vegas books ) OUT? As the security goons dragged him through the concourse, he thought he caught a glimpse of someone he knew very well and someone who was 1st alternate…..hiding behind a 3 foot high fire hydrant, which by the way, almost covered his smallish body. Yes it was……..the Cuban Pygmy! Damn him!

What started out badly, turned goodly. After several hours of haggling and compromise with airport, airline and Cuban officials and through the efforts of his brilliant law team, Dewey, Screwthem and Howe, he was finally released in time to tee off at Barton Creek’s Canyon Course. But, it was an Oriental who stole the show on DAY ONE. P F Chang, the balding Chinaman, who allegedly,  had tutored at the University of Texas at Austin hit the Texas Hill Country running and surged to a 1st round lead with an 85 ( +5 ) over 2nd place golfers Kapalua and Joebob ( +2 ). Eating Tex-Mex and Mexican chow at breakfast, lunch and dinner seemed to buoy his efforts.

But, when private investigators, hired by unknown individuals, drug up old news clippings that linked the Chinaman with frat brother Charlie Whitman at UT in the 60s, it seemed to take the ‘heat’ out of his Texas chili peppers, so to speak. Crowds gathered outside the WDI hotel, holding placards that read…Tower killers… and Ur fraternity sucks….. caused the former resilient Chang into speaking non- stop Chinese which startled and scared his roomie, Snooter and apparently shook his confidence. That opportunity spurred Kap and Joebob to jump into the lead after posting an 82 and 85 at private Spanish Oaks, a fabulous  Bobby Weed design. The Vegas bookmakers were ecstatic, because Joebabbo came into the tourney with a frickin 17 ‘cap’. 3 more than Kapalua.

But wait!!!  What about Austin resident ( only in the winter ) Little Clam Neck and crowd ‘fav’ Snoot Doggy Dog? Even an evening at Neck’s son-in-law and daughter’s, (Grant and Lara) beautiful canyon home and dinner at 5pm ( because the Neck can’t eat late ) and dining with Grant’s friends who are members at Austin Country Club….Chicken ( Boneless); Naviedad and Von Trop  who joined the WDIers for that round at ACC couldn’t bring out for both of the lads, their past championship form.  And the same for Snooter–no Starbuck’s in Austin sapped his strength and competitive mettle. They both limped in after 4 rounds at 7th and 8th respectively.

Question: what happened to the other 2 contestants……FISH ( and or cut bait ) and Broneck? The Pescado man, nursing a bruised fin, started out swimmingly, but was caught in Kapalua’s hot current and plunged down faster than Charlie the Tuna….while a revitalized 95 year old Broneck had found his game and made a run at the leaders. So had the young, well slightly aging Boynie,  after receiving a call from his favorite son-in-law ( actually his only son-in-law ) Goldilox, that he had noticed while watching the toonamint on ESPN, that Boynie was “rocking the baby” a bit too fast. …..causing a little spit-up on his ugly-ass green tartan rain gear that he has worn since after WW2.

Boynie, promptly taking his advice,  entered the last day at -4, after shooting 90 at ACC, in 4th place which merited him a spot in the final 4-some with Broceck ( -2 ), Joebob +4, and that good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican, Hawaiian Kapalua +10. But let’s not get ahead of our story. It was at beautiful ACC ( not SEC ) Austin Country Club that jump- started Kap’s game. With shouts of ” SEC>>SEC>>>from the large adoring crowd, the Orange and Blue clad former Gator roared out of the gates, shooting 39-44 and staked himself to a seeming insurmountable lead +10 over roomie and good friend Joebob +4 going into the final round.     His secret? It seemed that his meeting earlier that morning with a stuffed Harvey Pennick, although a bit stiff, brought tears to Kap’s eyes. Or maybe it was the formaldehyde?Whatever it was, his game was clicking on all cylinders.

Whether there was too much Tex-Mex food….wine…beer…vodka over the 5 days at Barton Creek, it seemed that Joebob, Broneck and Boynie had run out of gas and couldn’t mount a charge. Smashing 325 yard drives coupled with laser like irons and a remarkable short game thanks to a quick lesson from Dave Pelz.propelled Kap to a final round 83 and the coveted aluminum WDI Commisioners Cup.( which looks like an upside down penis)

At the post-victory press conference, Kap answered this reporter’s questions with aplomb and modesty. “Fuck you.”……OR ” Yes, I did feel that I was the bestest golfer out there all weekend. Those guys did suck.” OR,  “As far as the WDIers, I don’t associate or cavort that much with those MOFOs. I’m OK in my own skin and enjoyed hanging out with Harvey Pennick, even tho he doesn’t say a lot.” What a schmoo!!!!!!!!

So there you have it sports fans and perverts everywhere…….an almost wire-to -wire victory by Kapalua, almost foiled by a steady game by Joebbob and an emotional return to Austin by the Changster…….a return to glory by Broneck..the gritty 95 year old journeyman…a gallant effort by oft-injured  Pescado, a comeback by an aging Boynie  and well, there’s nothing you can say about  the other two schmoos!!!!

Rumor has it that the next WDI may be in Ohio…..Arizona……or in a time zone near you..

Yours in sports,

Wick E. Wiley

SCORES

1. +12 KAPALUA………85..82..83..83
2. -2    JOEBOB………..87..85..91..94
3. -3    BOYNIE…………93..94..90..90

T4 -6    BRONECK……..84..89..83..89

T4 -6    PESCADO……..94..96..94..91

6. -11  CHANG………….85..95..91..96
7. -13  NECK…………….97..92..92..90
8. -15  SNOOT………….85..91..88..86

SCORES AT ACC ( FROM THE BACK TEES )

STUART (VON TROP) 81

PHILLIP ( NAVIEDAD) 87

SCOTT ( CHICKEN) 87

GRANT ( LITTLE WEENIE ) 97

THE 10TH SNOOT INVITATIONAL….TPC SAWGRASS 2017
by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

Hello, boys and girls and perverts everywhere………This reporter was invited to my first SNOOT last week at beautiful TPC Sawgrass and thoroughly enjoyed the father-son toonamint. However, 3 things happened there before the toonamint, that really opened my eyes….1… In an astonishing move at dinner at Nona Blue on Thursday nite in Ponte Vedra, Joe Price Jr. said Chick Garcia was his father, which was immediately rejected by the Cuban Pygmy , but ratified by Joe Price who asked Chick to refund Joe Jr.s tuition from grade school, high school and college. Sweat immediately broke out on Chick’s forehead. 2…. Blood tests on Tony Martino confirmed that yes, his son Nino ( who is 5’4″) also could be the son of Fred ( Chick) Garcia ( who is also 5’4″ ) Tony is 6’3″…. WTF…. ( someone messed with the Martino gene pool)……….Yo Tony also asked for his money back.. 3…. Lastly, the owner of Nona Blue, PGA golfer/great, Graeme McDowell also stated that back in the 50’s, his Mum, who is from N. Ireland, dated a short, dashing, boring and full-of-himself U.S. Air Force pilot in London for 2 nites. Shortly thereafter, he was born. He said his real name is Fred…Fred McDowell. He loves flying, playing golf and Cuban cigars. Hmmmmmmm. Graeme didn’t ask for any money, but chased Chick from the restaurant with a 5-iron!!!!!! ( Chick is faster than you think he is.)
And that was the first nite!! 33 players ( some great golfers….some not so great golfers and some really shitty golfers) teed it up on Friday at the Weed Valley Course, which is a great track with fast greens and lots of water. The only downer was seeing the picture of the Weedman on every hole marker. Talk about vanity!! Missing were Jake the Snake and Ryan Cappy, who had prior commitments.
That nite in the TPC Clubhouse, the lads were treated to a sumptuous dinner and open bar, followed by a guided tour of the “inner” clubhouse where the pros relax, shower, dress, gossip and imbibe heavily. Word has it, although unconfirmed, that Chick Garcia was seen smelling the bench, in front of Tiger’s locker. In fact, I was told by sources close to him, that he spent the nite in el Tigre’s locker, coiled up like a embryo baby! A thorough search of Chick’s car, the next morning, did turn up 15 girl’s bicycle seats. Pervert!!!
So as dawn dawned on Saturday, Feb 11…….excitement reached fever pitch. 18 holes on TPC Stadium, with cash money for anyone who birdied 17 ( split by the Weedman and Choirboy) and a return to the infamous, outdoor, rustic, romantic Weed Fishcamp, where the contestants would be treated to smoked salmon and oysters, shrimp and grits, and tasty tenderloin…washed down by just about anything you wanted. And when dinner was finished…there was the 10th Rendition of Two Lies and One Truth, although one wonders whether the lads didn’t hear the rules correctly, were drunk or maybe just plain fucked up in the head. Some told 3 truths…some 3 lies…some just told everyone about their vacation. But, we laughed and had a blast!
And now, here were the contestants for the 10th SNOOT……….Rookie of the Snoot…Ricky Billy Bobby Butler from Baltimore, by way of the Blue Ridge Mountains, much to the chagrin of his younger Bro, the “Cutter”….Jovial Judd Hobgood, who was asleep by 9:30 as he watched 2 Lies and 1 Truth…..Joe Price and adopted son Junior ( Joe USED to be the emcee, until he was upstaged by the Outlaw Joseyman)…….K Elder….we still don’t know what the hell happened in Mexico!!!!!!….Bill” Choirboy” Ulbricht…..yo Tony Martino and stepson Nino…..the Outlaw Joseypeople ( Bill and Matt )…Snoot nephew Bill Mac ( I can hook it or shank it….u call it ) Alan and Brian Mac who played like the poster child for Ray-Ray golf ( one hole u played like Ray Floyd and the next like Ray Charles )……WDI vets like the large Pescado, Boynie and kid-in-law Goldilocks…..tiny Larry Weichtt, who provided much-needed transportation to the Weed Camp.
More WDI vets like Johnny 2-shots Kluz ( he made a hole-in-two in one of our tourneys)….the good-looking, sweet swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian Kapafrickinglua…and sons Ryan and Joey ” I need a frickin job” Cappy…..Joe ” Don’t let me into the hen house” Fox…..Joebob and Robbob Pesce ( this little prick has won every 1st place bet so far )…Jake the Snake Nellis….Snoot friend Paul Courter from St Louie, who doesn’t swear, drink or tell lies….newcomers Eric Biffenbargererandereranders and Richard Humphrey…the other small guy besides Weicht…Jamie Poole….and of course THE FRICKIN SNOOT AND WEEDMAN.
When all was said and done( and a lot was said), it was another fabulous success…voted the Best Snoot of the 10 we’ve had……a lot of golf…cigars…fine food..plenty of booze and lots of laughter. New acquaintenances were made….old friendships renewed…..and the Father-Son, Stepson..Son-in-law bonding was awesome!!! See you next year……………………………………………

Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley

KAPALUA AND JOEBABBO TIE

THE MEN’S DIVISION AND

ROBOB AND CAM RAH BAY

GO 1-2 IN THE SON’S

DIVISION OF THE 2016

FATHER-SON SCOTLAND TOURNEY

AUGUST 14-21, 2016

BY Wick E Wiley, Editor

With sirens blaring and  huge crowds of onlookers craning their necks to get a peek……a black, sleek Rolls Royce limo pulled up with it’s entourage and out the back door popped THE DONALD, waving to his fans and walking rapidly up the steps to TRUMP TURNBERRY in Scotland, in a haze of hairspray, that even a Category 3 hurricane couldn’t mess-up. It was press time….time to introduce …the WDI to Turnberry.

“Ladies, with the exception of Rosie O’Donnell,…. gentlemen….. and Chicanos everywhere ( snickers heard in the crowd ), on behalf of the WDI TOUR, I would like to enthusiastically welcome the lads of this, the FATHER-SON WDI/SCOTLAND TOURNEY to my fabulous Hotel.” Turning to a nervous and unshaven JoeBob Pesce, head of the FR-SON group, “And Joebob, I’m very happy to tell you that the renovation of both the Hotel and my beautiful Ailsa Course was finished on time,  so you and your pals would thoroughly enjoy it. Now don’t fuck it up! ” ( Grinning ear to ear ) And use a Gillette, for crying out loud.”

” Folks, let me introduce the players: besides Joebob, there is his son Robbob. ( minor applause ) Jimmy “Scootdown” Von Thron and son Cam Rah Bay ( more minor applause ) The G-Man, Galen Jones and his adopted son ,The News, whether good or bad, ( more minor applause ) and finally, the well-renowned Champ…the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican, Hawaiian, Kapafrickinlua and son Joey “The Hitman” Capizzi. ” ( wild, unabated applause that went on for minutes ) “Ok, Ok Ok,” Trump gesturing with his hands, as if he was dispensing a foul odor.

Pulling aside an aide who was standing next to Trump, Donald was over- heard asking him, “Did this schmoo get tested for ZIKA when he came over from Puerto Rico”. To which his aide replied,” No sir, BUT he came over 40 years ago.”  To which Trump replied, “Well, test the MOFO again.”

Commotion ensued as security guards and Scottish bag-pipers with kilted skirts with flesh-colored, T-back undies,( get the visual? ) grabbed Kapalua and pulled him down a long hallway, with Kap screaming at the top of his lungs…………All Trump said was, ” He’s a pussy, just like Hillary.”

And so started the 2016 Scotland Father-Son Tourney…..well, almost. The lads DID play at newly, renovated Turnberry, but it was on the 3rd day. DAY ONE was at charming ,  yet quirky Prestwick, home of the OPEN for the first 20 something years…..and several of the boys, namely, Galen and Cameron didn’t have their golf sticks (yet ) as they were delayed in transit.

No one was sitting next to Galen, either at dinner or on the bus, on Tuesday, 2 days after they arrived, not because he is not a nice guy and gentleman…..but because The GMan didn’t receive his suitcase EITHER.  Whew!….. Overheard arguing in the lobby on Monday nite, ” C’mon Jim, we’ve been partners for umpteen years.” JVT replying, ” Galen, you’re not borrowing my frickin underwear. Buy new ones.”

The G-Man,quietly surrendering and on the brink of tears, murmured, “But they all say TRUMPS TOOL on the front of them. And I’m not voting for him.”

Besides that bit of drama, there was a WDI tourney to be played. And right out of the gates, everyone knew it was going to be the Kapalua/Joebob show, as they went 1-2, 2-1 for the first 5 days.

As for the sons, Robbob ( hcp 20) had up and down days in a significant way ( 95–86–105–95–84–94 ); and really enjoyed the bus trips, even with his eyes wide shut;  Joey ” The Hitman” (hcp22) started out slowly, ( 109–98–98–104–98–98) but with experienced caddies ( dispensing golf tips and life experiences)  at ALL courses, he gained momentum and after the 3rd hole at St Andrews’, venerable Old Course, was ACTUALLY 1 under!!!!! Of course, when Dad Kap pulled him aside and told him that, he fell apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Warehouse and shot 98. And as for Cam Rah Bay,( hcp 13) he was the most experienced and consistent of the 3 lads, usually hitting his quota number on the head each day. ( 88–84–84–85–86–80) Playing in heavy rain and wind on Friday afternoon at the Old Course,( such as we found at RCD in Ireland in ’14 he produced a dazzling 80.

Newest rookie Don Barnes, aka the News, ( whether Bad or Good ) came out of the gate on fire…playing Prestwick..Western Gailes and Turnberry in the high 80’s. His 17 handicap kept him in the ‘hunt’, but unfortunately Kingsbarn, Carnoustie and the Old Course reared it’s ugly head and turned him into a very big plate of ‘haggis.’

Scootdown, meanwhile sensing the plight of his partner, G-man and his bud the News…played admirably shooting 88–86–88–87–81–and 84; but alas it wasn’t enough for the aging, obstinate, obstetrician. ( Jim, did get the “Iron Man” trophy along with News for playing 9 courses that week…with 2 days of walking 36.)

Scooter’s downfall occurred because the Italian Scallions were shooting and (putting ) lights out. Joebob’s run started with scores of 83–86–77–85–84 with plenty of birdies, to actually lead after 5 rounds. ( 0 to -2 ) But, following the Neck brothers daily routine of getting up at 5am, eating breakfast at 6am, followed by a heavy 2 hour workout, then hitting balls….sapped Joebob as he took a spill at the Old Course. He did manage, however,  to play the New Course( built in 1789) and the King’s Course at Gleneagles, respectfully.

Kapalua, had the hot putter MOST of the week putting and shooting 79 at W. Gailes; 80 at Carnoustie ( with a DB, Bogey, DB finish ) and 82 at the Old Course( in horribly, rainy and windy weather), to go along with scores of 85..86 and 83. So, when the Competition Committee met for the Final results ( btw, Joebob and Kap are on the Competition Committee), it was ONLY proper and the English thing to do to call a tie for the two Eyetalian chaps. Besides, Kap’s feet, hip, back and whatever else can ail you came into play, as he only played 6 courses…………..

But most of all, it WAS a trip of a lifetime for the sons; Joey, Rob and Cam and News ( oldest son out there) While most of the WDIers have played overseas before, they know of and have  enjoyed the experience before…..the tour bus, loaded with beer on the drive back from the courses ..the tour bus loaded with beer on the way to the courses…the sumptuous meals of lamb, steak, fowl, duck and fresh fish, that they don’t usually get for 7 consecutive days…….the luxurious hotel rooms ( and boy, weren’t they glorious with Trump Turnberry and Gleneagles getting the nod for BEST, and the Old Course Hotel, great for it’s location ) and of course, the heavy imbibing, which, oh well……….. they probably were used to. Hah!

All in all, in the words of Jim Nantz, it was a trip for the ages……and the aging.

SOME NOTABLES

Most shirts purchased..Joebob….17

Most improved golf game………….Joey

Most days/nites sitting by himself…2…Galen ( before his suitcase arrived )

Most drives over 300 yards not in fairway…..Cameron…..25

Most double gin/tonics ordered….Kap….43

Most courses played Jim/News…9

Number of times Robbob struck Joebob with pillow whilst snoring…….every nite.

Golfingly yours,

Wicky Wiley

There are no WDI tourneys scheduled for the rest of 2016…..next year The Snoot in Feb at TPC Sawgrass and Austin, Texas…..

REBELS REJOICE AS GREY DEFEATS BLUE IN HISTORIC 2015 WDI RYDER CUP

 ( Post-tourney tragedy averted by Jake “The Snake” Nellis)

 by Wick E. Wiley ESPN Sports Editor

BRUTE FORCE, a giant of a man ( and Schwarznegger look-alike) dressed in silky black ninja garb ( with a cute white trim ), lay prone on the roof of the Carolina Hotel, wrapped around his AK-12 Special Forces Rifle, which had attached a Leica infrared laser power scope and fitted with a 16 inch barrel which fires a 5.56 x 45mm round from a 30 round magazine. He planned to use every bit of the 30 round magazine……..on the MOFOS called the GREY team, who were celebrating their Ryder Cup ‘come from behind win’ that Sunday afternoon.
While he was planning to do serious damage to the GREY team, he especially was looking forward to watermeloning the large head of that smart-ass, short, squatty, homely golfer called–the Cuban Pygmy, a la Gallagher style!
From his vantage point, this AMERICAN SNIPER, could see the fat-faced WDI Treasurer Joebabbo, hugging the crying, crazed Czech…Kluz…glimpsed famed radiologist and 2-time WDI Champ Boynie, gloating at his son-in-law Andy saying, ” I told you so, Cheeseball.” He could barely make out the smiling Sniders with all those Snide remarks, especially when you were putting……could faintly see Snoot Doggy Dog, reveling in the glory of winning as he pointed his fingers at his sons and exclaimed “WA DA BE.” He also spied the “Choirboy”, so saintly, but so devilish sipping on a Red Bull w/Vodka. But most of all, he wanted a clean shot at the plump Chickster, who at this moment was chugging down a cold bottle of “Evian”, while sneaking several silver Pinehurst salt and pepper shakers into his pocket….WTF!!!! What a partygoer! Everyone else was dousing each other in Dom or Cristal……..
Before the carnage begins, however, let’s go back to DAY ONE. The Blue Team, led by Jake ” the Snake” Nellis, cult-hero to many pre-teen girls ( and boys ) Snoot Doggy Dog Junior, the Chicago Fitzs’, legends in their own minds, 3-time Champ Fish ( or cut bait ), Denny ” Grandpa” Marcotte, the oldest and most experienced WDIer at 93, Andy” Cheesehead” Goldman who often smells pretty ‘cheesy’ by 4pm daily and Brent Strength, alter ego of BRUTE FORCE were predicted by Jimmy the Geek to ‘handily” win the 40th WDI Ryder Cup.
They had recently bashed their counterparts in 2013 at the ” Battle in Seattle” and were betting favorites to ‘repeat.’ BUT, something called “THE BIG GREY MACHINE” all decked out in their Rebel Confederate matching shirts and pants, much to the dismay of the wait staff, weren’t about to ‘fall’ apart again.
Speaking of ‘falling’, Commissioner Kapalua, who was penciled in to play for the GREY, apparently had suffered a back injury of undetermined etiology, but was present anyway…… suddenly pulled the Clyborn Stumble on Day One. Named for Hall of Famer Snooter, after his ‘nosedive tumble’ into Clyborn Ave. in Chicago at the 2014 WDI, Commish Kapalua was all about emulating his buds past heroics. Doing a triple axle salchow with a 1.4 difficulty, Kap tripped, slipped and traipsed at the Bobby Weed Villa on Day One. ( The panel gave him a 9.5 )
Holding his Cuban Cohiba above his head, to save it, he somersaulted down a flight of 10 stairs, but miraculously emerged unscathed, save for a bruised ego, was helped up by the pals and yelled ” Let the games begin!” Looks like the alcohol kicked in at the right time!
But, alas, the games had already begun that day. The BLUE team, led by the Chicago Fitzs’ halving their match against the favored Sniders, ran away with a 2 1/2 to 1 1/2 lead. After a sumptuous dinner at the 1895 Grille and after many gin and tonics, scothes’ no water’ and 4 cases of Bud-Lite, the boys had mellowed out.
DAY 2 at famed #2, host of many Men’s and Women’s US Opens, Ryder Cups, and US Amateurs, found the BLUE team enlarging their lead, due to spotty play, bad gas and poor sportsmanship from the GREY team. The BLUE lead 5-3 going into DAY 3 at #8.
At breakfast in the Carolina Room on DAY 3, a rested but drugged up Commish gave an impassioned talk to the contestants, but quietly told the GREY team of an impending visit that night in the Locker Room by famed author, Jim Dodson ( Final Rounds…American Triamvirate, Dewsweepers, etc. )
Whether it was the projected visit by Dodson that evening that fired up the boys or Wild Bill Ulbricht’s ploy of giving out FREE ONE NITE STAYS ( and 50% discount on MRIs ) at St Anthony”s Hospital, which he oversees, to the large unruly crowd of oh, 30-35….The crowd got fired up……. which fired up the GREY team. They surged from their deficit to tie the match up at 6-6!
Later that evening at the Bobby Weed Villa, noted author Jim Dodson and lovely wife Wendy , as well as BLUE and GREY golfers, were served tasty hors-d’oeuvres of oysters…crabcakes…ribeyes…Caesar salad…Cabernet Sauvignon and cocktails and over saw the 2 truths and 1 lie ceremony. Dodson later deadpanned..”The WDI is really a group that I need to belong to.”
On Sunday morning, with overcast skies and soaring heat, the WDIers vowed to break the tie and seal the deal. The large crowd followed their play at #7 and saw it was going to be a GREY day after all. They won 3 out of 4 matches and closed out the BLUE MOFOS 9-7. Now back to the shooting………
Actually, the shooting never materialized. BRUTE FORCE”S pal and golfing partner, the Jakester, had crawled up to within 10 feet of the FORCE and holding a cold Bud-Lite, forced him to re-consider. Tearfully, FORCE did, but promised to re-surface in a movie theater…post office or maybe a Snoot( a Father-Son tourney) down the road. FORCE then dialed his benefactor, the DUKE OF ERIC and voided the contract. “You can take care of that Cuban Pygmy yourself” he blurted out and headed back to the OTHER loveliest plains in the South…Auburn, Ala.
Over at the Weed Villa, the scene was dramatic with the media surging to ask questions of the winners….autographs being signed….champagne pouring episodes……group victory hugs……Rebel flags waving. And off to the side, there was Fitz, sitting on a bench, sipping his 25th rum and coke, talking to no one in particular, but overheard saying……”Have I told youse guys the story of my Uncle Dom….Frank Nitti and Dr. Chesrow falling down the …………………….

Yours in golf,
Wick E. Wiley

GREY TEAM
Chick 88..93..86..86
Snoot 89..84..88..88
Boynie 90..94..91..91
Choirboy 101..103..97..89
Joebob 93..89..89..95
Kluz 85..94..92..90
Steve S. 86..90..89..79
Ron S. 85..87..82..89

BLUE TEAM
Alan 86..92..92..85
Denny 96..84..95..94
Brent 85..88..92..94
Jake 84..77..77..86
Fish 94..91..89..95
Fitz 85..90..91..87
Son of a Fitz 91..99..97..89
Andy 91..94..96..98

JOEBOB SPANKS THE MONKEY ( SO TO SPEAK )
OFF HIS BACK AND CLAIMS 1ST WDI TITLE
AT BAYHILL/STREAMSONG
by Wick E. Wiley, Sports Editor ESPN

A solemn, but composed Jimmy the Geek, sat uncomfortably in his 3 piece, outdated, coffee-stained Armani suit in a large penthouse suite at Caesar’s Palace, sipping a gin gimlet, when his cell rang twice…he picked it up and a big shit-eating grin came over his face. Not only did he just win a ton of moola, but his 4-1 pick to win the 58th WDI, Joebobalooba just sprinted to the finish line a la Derby winner, American Pharoah. He was not only happy, but enthusiastically happy……since he also won plenty on the Merriweather fight, the night before, as well.

In what could be called the “Biggest Sports Weekend” of the Century…..the Fight, the Derby, the NFL draft and of course, the 58th WDI Tourney, it was indeed a thrilling weekend for sports fans everywhere. Actually, at Streamsong, throngs of teary-eyed, pre-teens…..globs of large, fat, ugly Mexican chicks…..and a bevy of silver-haired ladies were lining up outside the scorer’s tent, waiting for Joebob to emerge. Some wanted to touch him…some wanted to see him…some just wanted to throw their size XXL hash-browned stained panties at him.

Inside the scorer’s tent, Mr. Consistent sat relieved, spent and content. He was tired of the media saying he was “the best WDIer NOT to have won a title.” His handicap finished the same way it started, while everyone elses plummeted up and down like a balloon in the wind.

And it was windy starting out at Bay Hill. The famed Challenger course beat the hell out of 5 time Champ, the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican-Hawaiian Kapalua (5-1 odds) on the 1st day ( 96….8 doubles and a triple for a -14 ) enough to render him “dead meat” and out of contention on DAY ONE. “It was a Weedful day for me,” responded a despondent Kapalua.. However, reminiscent of McIlroy at this year’s Masters, Kap fought hard, over the next 3 days for a combined net +3 ( 86..82..87), but he was down too far to mount a meaningful challenge. Cutter -21, Neck -9 and Fish -8 also had bad days that doomed their tourney. There was a brief suicide watch for both Kapalua and Cutter…..but after 3 Vodkas on the rocks and a lot of red wine….it was cancelled.

Actually, this Tourney could have been called the Substitute WDI……..Dennis the Menace couldn’t make it the 1st day due to a ‘supposed’ out of town meeting, but one bystander thought they saw him at Motel 6 in Orlando honing up his game and having a hot dog for dinner….while the WDI boys were spending hundreds at ritzy Christini’s. Kluz helped the boys spend less when he noticed the waiter had added ANOTHER 20% tip on top of the $1800 bill. Yes, he was caught and flogged.

Cutter couldn’t make it the last day so Brian Aggie played in his place……but the real mess occurred when the Cuban Pygmy had to cancel on the eve of the Toonamint, when no one else could take care of his ailing 98 yr-old Mom. The boys told him to take her with him and place her on top of his Aston Martin just like Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Vacation, but Chick demurred. Sooo, Johhnny Mac played on Friday…David Austin, Snoot’s pal and former PGA player( who shot 72 with 5 birds) played on Saturday and BMac (Snoot’s son.. Brian McNulty) played on Sunday. You had to have a sharp pencil with an eraser handy to keep track of the players. Luckily, Tampa was only 11/2 hours away!

But the biggest surprise of the Toonamint was the play of Kluzie ( a 2-time Champ) and Goldilocks on DAY 3 at STREAMSONG RED, where the tour moved to after 2 days at Bay Hill. It was indeed, MOVING DAY, as Kluz who was in 1st place after DAY 2 ( by only 1 shot ) shot 84 with 3 birdies to move farther ahead of the pack at +6 entering the last day. Goldy, also was hot as a firecracker and had a career best 82 and a +11 to move into a 2nd place tie with Joebob at -1…..7 shots behind the Kluzster. He should have been after defrosting from another frigid Chicago spring. Perhaps a insurmountable lead????? Was the tourney over??? NOT!!!

As for the rest of the puds/field…Boynie who had shot well enough the first 2 days and got as high as 3rd place, fell apart like a cheap suit at the Men’s Warehouse, since his implanted in-the-ass gyro wasn’t working, shot 97-94 and eventually ended up tied for 7th. The Fishman, who had lost 30 pounds of scales this year, in hopes of vying for the Trophy, started out 97-99…..then rallied from next to last place to end up in 5th. No wonder the caddies were heard saying…”it smelled like rank Fish out there.”

The Neck brothers, also vets and sometimes also-rans, started poorly at Bay Hill with scores in the 90’s and never recovered. Cutter’s ONLY ray of hope/accomplishment was sharing his wines and wine stories with the group at Ocean Prime and Soto Terra, the sparking new Italian ristorante at Streamsong, as he struggled with the wind/putter/irons/driver/gas/hangover etc, the first 2 days at Bay Hill. And as for perennial fav, Snoot Doggy Dog, he found his game on Thursday( to take the 1st round lead ), shooting 36 on the front nine at Bay Hill…lost his game the next day….found his game with an 80 at Streamsong Red on Saturday ….then lost it again on the final day at Streamsong Blue.

“I’m so frigging tired….tired of playing bad golf, not sleeping and way too many Jessies.” said Snoot. But the SOB ended up tied for 2nd with the Kluzster, who had fallen 13 points from 1st place in a shocking demise, reminiscent of Greg Norman at the Masters. At least there were NO documented Snootfalls reported. Perhaps the 2 burly security dudes who surrounded Snoot, wherever he went, prevented any accidents. There was a report, however, of a Ping-Pong match coming down the elevator….with Snoot being the ping pong ball………………….It was called Snootpong!

At dawn of the Final Round, Kluz awoken from what he thought was a terrible dream. ( no, it wasn’t a wet dream….a terrible dream.. you perverts ) In the dream Kluz falls apart like a pulled pork sangwich…but as he went to sleep after imbibing several bottles of great Eyetalian Brunello di Mantalcino, his mind drifted to 2013, when he and Joebob went mano y mano in the 1st Ryder Cup version of the WDI.. and he prevailed for the Blue Team…AND it was on the SAME frigging course he was to play in the morning. His confidence was soaring.

But alas, the dream came to fruition. Kluz never got his game going, swinging like a man trying to kill a snake in a phone booth…..shot 98 and immediately called 911. Joebob calmly looked at the medics assisting a worn out Kluz, smiled inwardly ( which is really hard to do ) and calmly knocked in a 15 footer for par to complete his 1st WDI win. Kluz went from leading at +6 to -7 and a tie for 2nd.

Joebob finally emerged from the scorer’s tent happy and relieved. ( like after a good bowel movement ) The surging crowd of 11-12 ( inc. his 3 kids and long-time bro-n-law Doug La Crosse, who coughed and could be heard saying, “it’s about frickin time” )) surrounded him (or maybe semi-surrounded him) and the Prez of Streamsong shoved a microphone into his mouth……………..

Prez….How do u feel Joebob after your 1st win? JB….Good
Prez….How did you play today? JB…Good
Prez….You really have a way with words, don’t you? JB…What?
Prez….Are you relieved you finally got that monkey off your back? JB..What monkey? ( He looks around)
Prez….It’s a figure of speech, you moron……. Fight ensues…..JB inadvertently strikes Chick Garcia, who was watching interview. ( or maybe it wasn’t inadvertent ) WDI trophy is snatched from Prez’s hands by Chick Garcia’s 98 year old mom, who at 4’1″ can’t be caught and runs off with it yelling, ” Cogno Chicky, I got it for you…now let’s have some picadillo.” ( maybe Chick did put her on top of his car?)

And that sports fans is how it ended……………………………….

See you in Pinehurst in August for the 2nd Ryder Cup themed WDI.

Golfingly yours,
Wick E. Wiley

PS…SS(Streamsong)Police arrive and intervene….cart Joebob off in a Paddy wagon (OBVIOUSLY THIS IS FICTION)

RESULTS
1. JOEBOB -2 88–90–89–90
T2. SNOOT -7 81–89–81–88
T2. KLUZ -7 89–88–84–98
4. FISH -8 97–99–85–92
5. GOLDY -9 94–94–82–95
T6. BERN -10 93–91–97–94
T6.NECK -10 94–88–89–91
8. KAPALUA -11 96–86–82–87
9. BRONECK-25 87–85–84–99

CUTTER 110–100–95
DENISE 93–95–89
JOHNNY MAC 103 ( Friday )
D SMITH 72 (Saturday )
BMAC 106 (Sunday )
BRIAN AG 93 (Sunday )

ARTICLE BY WICK E WILEY, Sports Editor ESPN

WDIers , golfers, fannies and anal retentive readers of my articles everywhere………2015 promises to be an exciting toonamint year for the WDI. With ONLY 2 major toonamints this year, Orlando/Streamsong and Pinehurst in August  ( due to lack of viable sponsors and a lot of apathy) more golfers were invited this year than in any other. 12 golfers were selected out of a field of 114 for the 61st WDI in BAY HILL/STREAMSONG on APRIL 30-MAY 3. ( SORRY….Mudman, Rosy Jake, Prezcap and Bolt…..u didn’t make the cut this year ) This marks the 6th visit to Bay Hill ( 7 to Orlando) and the 2nd visit to Streamsong.  With the help of my good friend, the swarthy, sleazy, sweaty and smelly Jimmy the Geek, fresh from his vacation at the Atlanta Federal Penitentiary…..he will handicap the field of 12, as he always does, without aplomb or fanfare. He says it, like…   it… .  is!  A la Howard Cosell……………

JOEBOB( PESCE )…16 hcp…(4-1)

Fresh off his Member-Member win at PC a few months ago w/Snooter, JB has a renewed and satisfied look on his face. Sort of like, when you’ve just taken a huge dump. He also has been a bit grumpy, lately, as well. Perhaps due to that time of the month… His confidence level, however,  is soaring and his scoring( only in golf ) is getting lower and lower because of his recent good play. This feisty Southern Eyetalian just could be the Eyetalian to beat ( after all, there are 3 Eyetalians in the tourney ) in the 61st WDI, provided he lays off the Jesse’s and Ambien. Playing is his 18th WDI ( 8th most ), he IS the bestest golfer NOT to have won a major. Yet!

KAPALUA.( CAPPY )..10 hcp…(5-1)

This sweet swinging, good looking Puerto Rican/Hawaiian of questionable ancestry, is a 5-time winner ( tied with the infamous Bolt ) and is looking to break the frickin record this month. Why? Won back to back titles recently with Broneck in Mich. (Aug. 2013) and Boynie in Chicago (June 2014) and finished 3rd in N. Ireland last August. That’s why!!!!!!!!! Was often stopped on the streets of Belfast and Dublin by young, tasty and tender coeds seeking autograph thrills and a few selfies. Is being sponsored by the girls from Mons Venus for the 6th straight year…………Playing in his 35th WDI…missed Streamsong in 2013 due to back ailments.

KLUZ..(KLUZEK )..15 hcp….(6-1 )

ONLY WDIer in history to get hole-in-two ( at Streamsong in 2013 ) Says by going back there ( as well as Orlando ), good memories should help raise his confidence level ten-fold. By the way, the hole in two proved to be a financial disaster that nite at dinner! He won $1200, but paid $1300 for the dinner….. Was hot as a firecracker on the Tour in 2012, when he racked up 2 consecutive wins ( @ Orlando and Innisbrook ) but has fallen on hard times lately. He attributes his poor showing the last several years to his REAL job and sitting in steerage on weekly flights zipping across the US. ” Boy, am I getting tired of Cutter Home Zinfandel , even tho I like the pink color. ” Like Fish, Kluz DNP in 2014 due to a one year suspension for impersonating a golfer. Will be playing in his 6th WDI……

NECK …..( NUECHTERLEIN)..13hcp ( 7-1 )

This little Kraut is a 3-time Champ, whose last win was at Kiawah back in 2011. Has been in contention, however in his last two tourneys in Mich and Chicago. Says his game is getting better, now that he’s only playing ‘ twice’ a year. Currently, is Mayor of Frankenmuth, a small Germanic town that consists of 2000 residents, most of them 5 foot one or under. Don’t know why, but town smells of fried chicken…..Come to think of it, so does Neck’s clothes. Can the chicken smelling Neck, at age 79, pull off another WDI victory? Is the Pope Polish….NEIN!!!!!! ( He used to be )  Has other health problems as well ( is on an oatmeal diet )…looks like he’s falling apart like a cheap suit. But the frickin Neck is a competitor. Watch him at the end….Actually you don’t need to watch him, you can smell him!!!!!  Playing in his 31st WDI………………..

SNOOT DOGGY DOG..( McNULTY )….10 hcp ( 8-1 )

When you say competitor, you will see Snoot’s pic right next to it. When you say” Jesuit’s fav golfer of the last 5 decades, you see Snoot’s name on a plaque. And when you say “WHITE WINE”, well, I think you get the picture. Will he…could he…and can he…… regain his competitive edge’ fo one mo toonamint? ‘Probably NOT! But he’s a heck of a nice guy…makes his own clothes…all the guys like him. Is a shell of a man tho,  like the Neck…probably worn out, from traveling on a weekly basis from Snoot North to Snoot South to SnootWest to Snoot East. Will he please make up his frickin mind!!!! The big question at this WDI is whether there will be a SNOOTDIVE, like in, let’s see….Chicago, Firestone, Birmingham etc. Stay tuned ….mofos. Playing in his 33rd WDI………..

CHICK.( GARCIA )./ ….8 hcp ( 9-1 )

AKA Cuban Pygmy….Chickfilet……vying in his 4th WDI, but hasn’t taken home any hardware, so to speak. ( Has a 2nd, a 4th and Blue Team Ryder Cup win @ Streamsong in 2013 ) Does he have the Chutzpah to pull off an UPSET victory? ( Everyone, inc Duke, would really be UPSET if he does) Has gained a few lbs. lately, which may slow his swing down, due to binging at PC’s recent ‘happy hours’ of free hors d’ouveries. ” All u can eat for free, plus takeaways” is Chick’s motto. AKA  Mr.  Alligator Arms , ( don’t sit next to him when the bill comes ) has recently been seen at Barnes and Nobles,  boycotting Duke’s new novel….KILLING CHICK. And finally, If you have the’ misfortune’ to play with him…pls bring a set of earplugs, so you don’t have to hear his redundant, repetitious phrases.

BOYNIE..( STEIN )…..18 hcp ( 11-1)

Is a 2-time Chump( who recently tied w/ Kapalua @ CHICAGO WDI in 2014 in dramatic 18th hole up and down from 160 yards out ) Looks like long-awaited hip replacement and gyro repair, has jump started his storied WDI career. Could be 2015 Comeback Player of the Year with a good showing. But, let’s not get too carried away…..the Shankmeister is always lurking nearby. The big question is how many pounds will the ‘ham’ be that he is preparing to bring to Streamsong? ( which cost my pal Kev his job and almost outlawed us from Streamsong in 2013) And will he refrigerate the ham this time? Will he also bring matso balls? Is a real thief playing with an 18 handicap….he should be ashamed of himself. But he’s NOT!  Playing in his 23rd WDI……….

BRONECK..( NUECHTERLEIN )…..9 hcp ( 12-1)

Says he’ll be competing for his 3rd maroon/beige jacket even though he has back ailments. Will be the oldest WDIer ( at age 90 ) if he can pull off a victory. Since he lost his life savings at a crap table last year, he’s been forced to find part-time job as co-pilot for Malyasian Airlines. Perks are outstanding, but has to wear a parachute and snorkel at all times. Feels, however, this could be a short term job…if you know what I mean!  Be nice to Bro and treat him gingerly…never know what’s going to happen. Playing in his 26th WDI.

FISH..( FISHER )…..16 hcp ( 13-1)

2014 Pescado Man/Fish of the Year. Was pictured in Field and Stream in January with a few of his relatives: Carp…Perch and Small-mouthed Bass. Actually, he claims a new name..Barracuda Man….since he dropped 30 lbs. of scales this year. Insists he’s back to near championship form in 08, when he won 2 consecutive aluminum trophys. His best shot…FISHHOOK. Can often find him at Bonefish at the oyster/shrimp bar chatting with other fish/ pals. Didn’t play at all in any WDI tourney in 2014 due to a year suspension for fishy and smelly play by Commisioner Kapalua. Playing in his 24th WDI.

GOLDY/CHEESEMAN 16 hcp ( 25-1)

Another past Rookie of the Year, Cheese was invited to play due to past performance in 20th WDI Anniversary tourney in N Ireland in 2014. His favorite non-golf moment in N Ireland……getting locked in the unisex bathroom at the Titanic Museum in Belfast, by a 5 yr old Irish kid. By close vote of 5-4 by the players, he was rescued. Goes by CHEESE, even though he doesn’t live in Wisconsin. Apparently, the reason for that nickname, according to Dad-in-law Boynie is a bit gassy. Hasn’t been in contention since 1st round at the Fortress in Michigan in 2013…..but, look for CHEESE to have some ‘moldy’ moments in Orlando. Playing in 4th WDI. Can’t wait to leave the frigid confines of Chitown.

CUTTER ( STEVE BUTLER)….. 17 hcp (1001-1)

Steve broke into WDI’s ranks on the 20th Anniverary trip to N. Ireland in August of 2014 and performed admirably ( as the wine connoisseur, so much so, that Kluz’s role has been supplanted, demoted and otherwise chopped) Was “rookie of the Year in 2014. His golf play was sometimes “erratic”, but his explanation of wine is somewhat “erotic”. Has committed to Pinehurst in August as well…looks like he caught the WDI fever. Only down note is that it is still a mystery how Johnny McLaughlin was injured in N. Ireland and what role did Cutter play as his roomie? As his nickname suggests…don’t piss him off. He will “cut” you to the quick!!!

DENNIS THE MENACE…( AGLIANO )…. 17 hcp ( 1002-1)

Is a former Orlando WDI Champ at Reunion in 2009. Cannot vie for the aluminum trophy, since he will miss the first day’s play at Bay Hill. PITY!!  Nonetheless, he’s set to ‘grind’ on the other 3 days. And he could be your partner……..Is a bit frugal, however….. he just set up 4 brand new pay phones in his new home. Word has it, however,  that when he sold his old house, the new owners wondered why the back yard smelled like tuna and tomatoes. And why where there many little holes dug up? Dennis told them he had wild gophers! New owners also found 78 rusty old 7 irons in the garage attic as well….when Denise found out, he wanted them back. Playing in his 4th WDI.

So there you have it, boys, girls and perverts everywhere. Will Joebob pull a Jordan Spieth by going wire to wire? Will Sandbaggers like Boynie and Kluz feel badly about their “caps” and give one or two back? Will Cutter provide EMERGENCY care to us “old fart WDIers, like he did in St Augustine in Feb. @ the Snoot?…………………………….. Remember big Eyetalian party, hosted by Joebob and myself at my house on the Wednesday nite before the toonamint. April 29 (  We will pick players/tee groupings that nite for Thursdays golf.) If you’re coming, we need cigars…dessert…vino. JB and I ( and maybe Snoot/crab claws ) will take care of everything else.

Here are the tee times for the weekend:

Thursday @ Bay Hill 1:30; 1:40 and 1:50pm April 30

Friday @ Bay Hill….10:10; 10:20: and 10:30am  May 1

Saturday @ Streamsong Red….1pm; 1:10pm and 1:20pm 5-2

Sunday @ Streamsong Blue…8:45 am; 8:55 am and 9:05 am

DINING:

Wed @6:30pm @ 4628 Bay to Bay Blvd.

Thursday @ 8pm @ Christini’s ( Neck’s fav hangout )

Friday @ Ocean Prime @ 7:30pm

Sat. @ Sotto Terra @ Streamsong Hotel @ 7:30pm ( Jackets are requested for dinner )

BETS:

$250 pp…pls bring 20s, 10s and 5s   Broneck is our treasurer.

MCNULTY CLAN SWEEPS TOP SPOT

2014 WDI TOURNEY IN N IRELAND…20TH YEAR ANNIVERSARY TOURNAMENT

by Wick E Wiley, ESPN Editor

William “Jake” Nellis and dad-in-law, James “Snooter” McNulty sat in the comfortable surroundings of the famous Crown Pub,reportedly the oldest type establishment in Belfast, N. Ireland, sipping on their  Smithwick’s and Guiness pints,(cuz Jimmy likes that Guiness ) respectively,and grinning ear to ear as the gauntlet, known as the 20th Year Anniversary WDI tournament was……..FINALLY OVER! They had finished one-two after a grueling 6-course tourney. And peace was restored over Northern Ireland!

With possibly the worst weather conditions that anyone can remember, this WDI tourney turned out to be a battle of endurance and self-preservation. “Hey Kapalua,” shouted a weary but happy Snootdog,  over the clamor of picture taking, ESPN interviews, potential IRA activists and many Irish toasts, “WA DA BE”?  Kapalua, smiled back with a tired, resigned smile, then dove into a steaming portion of beef and guiness pie, and champs with mushy peas, whilst Joebob was smacking his lips, after ordering lamb for the 5th consecutive day. He was looking a bit, ‘sheepish.”BAHHH   Meanwhile, Boynie was on his 3rd plate of liver and vittles, prompting one of the boys to say,” WTF, does he have a fricking tapeworm…he’s been eating like a condemned man on this trip”Goldilox (his son in law… aka Cheese) reiterated, “Boys this is how he ALWAYS eats!!”  Oh, the lads did eat pretty well on this trip with, stops at 5-Star Slieve Donard in Royal County Downs; Lough Eske Castle in Donegal (built in 1861 and recently restored a few years ago); and cozy Bushmill’s Inn in Portrush, N. Ireland. And joining the group was wine connoisseur extrordinaire and renowned Tampa surgeon, rookie Stephen “Cutter” Butler. So the WDIers drank well too!  The ONLY thing missing on this journey, however, was our famed tour leader Lloyd of Lloyd Creagh Irish Tours. Also missing (besides Snoot’s nice Blazer) was his boast of luxury vans; planned activities and booked reservations. Shoved into the Lloyd-less job was his able replacement Dave Mathews (without his band) who performed remarkably given the circumstances. You would smile too, if you were given a 1000 Euro tip at weeks end in Dublin.

Back to the links……….this WDI had a formidable list of competitors: multiple past champs, Kapalua, Duke, Snoot, Boynie and Jake; grisly vets Joebob, SteveO and Goldilox and rookies Cutter and Johnny Mac McLaughlin.  After the 1st round at RCD in very windy conditions and then after the next day’s play again, Kapalua and Jake traded places from 1st to 2nd and kept that distance almost til the last day, when the Snootdog finally woke up and smelled the peat. And started to play some meaningful frickin golf, like he used to back in the day (when he lost to Eddie Pearce, Lanny Wadkins, Ben Crenshsaw, Davis Love, etc, inc everyone who held a club.) As for the rookies: Johnny Mac’s vaunted Mac Attack, never materialized. Even though his fans/backers kept cheering him on with chants of “He’s hell when he’s well” and Ain’t the beer warm? Mac contributed his poor showing to a spill he took in the middle of the night after DAY ONE that forced him to miss the 2nd day at RCD. Mac says he felt a hard push at 3am, but hisroomie, Cutter insists it was an accident. Besides being proficient in the making of wines, Cutter was adept all week of playing to his handicap and ultimately finished 4th.

As the Tour played Donegal, Ballyliffin and Portstewart (on DAYS 3–4–5) ESPN personalities were predicting a quick turnaround from some of the other players or a fast breakout….namely from the Duke of Eric. Well he did break out……but it was a head cold and sore throat. Duke’s scores soared like a hot air balloon and by week’s end, Duke’s game/handicap was bloated as well.

Meanwhile, the grisly vets: JoeBob, Goldy and SteveO played like (organ) grinders throughout the week, but the howling 30-40mph winds and tough fescue ground them up like mincemeat pie. In the end they were bleeting badly, just like the omnipresent sheep/lambs we saw daily.

On Friday morning on the final day at Royal Portrush, the trio of players who had a chance to win the coveted WDI trophy were: Jake the Snake, Snoot Doggy Dog and that sweet-swinging, good-looking Hawaiian, Puerto Rican Kapalua. Tensions were riding high, due to the fact that the forecast was rain, rain, rain, cold, cold cold and a lot of wind. Brrrr.  Jake (a tough 5 handicapper) still held the lead at -12 (a score that reflects how tough the conditions were all week) with Snoot at -18 and Kapalua at -22. After 7 holes, a tired, pissed Johnny Mac threw in the towel obviously a wet one and exclaimed “NO MAS”. The rest of the crew fought on gamely. RESULT: Jake the Snake, although shooting a less than sterling 84, held on to win, whilst Snoot and Kap beaten to a pulp by the rain and wind, finished 2 and 3. After drying out thoroughly and warming up at Bushmills Inn from a plethora of gin martinis, Guiness, Smithwick and tasty red Chateaunuef du Pape vino from France’s Rhone region and vast amounts of mussels, cockles lamb and fish, the boys were relaxed and happy as clams. Following a visit to a fabulously innovative Titanic museum in Belfast on Saturday and at least 3 more Lloyd sightings, the crew made it back to Dublin….just in time to see the PennState/UCF football game.

Truly, this was an epic 20th Anniversary WDI tourney…..not for the faint of heart. Raising his pint of Guiness, for a toast, followed by chants of “let’s do it again” from the lads, Kapalua exclaimed “Seriously. Are u frickin kidding me?” Then he yelled, “20 years down… 20 more years to go!”

Yours in sports,

Wick E Wiley

SCORES

1.JAKE.(-15)…83..81..80..78..85..84

2.SNOOT( -23)…95..100..86..93..86..97

3.KAPALUA.(-25).88..90..89..94..90..91

4.CUTTER(-38)..109..98..106..99–103..103

5.JOEBOB(-40)..95..102..94..100..100..93

6.BOYNIE (-41)..102..99..98..99..108..103

6.GOLDILOX (-41)..107..103..96..95..98..104

8.STEVEO(-48)..95..109..104..103..88..98

9.DUKE (-49)..86..97..85..94..85..95

10.JOHNNY MAC..103..95..111..102..DNF…DQED…W/D

KAPALUA AND BOYNIE BATTLE TO A TIE WHILE 4TH ROUND LEADER

NECK ABDICATES DUE TO THREAT

 by Wick E. Wiley, ESPN Sports Editor

     “MY KIND OF TOWN CHICAGO IS, MY KIND OF TOWN”……..When from a side alley, boomed a deep resonated voice, “Hey u fuck, shut up!”

Apparently, either the sweet-singing and slightly intoxicated Snootdog didn’t hear the dark, complected dude OR MAYBE, he didn’t give a damn….because he cleared his throat and started singing…ON STATE STREET, THAT GREAT STREET, THIS WONDERFUL TOWN. All of a sudden, Snoot was flying through the air (with the greatest of ease ) into the middle of Clyborne Ave. Luckily, it was late and there were no cars/buses or else there would have been a flattened SNOOTCAKE.

    As the stunned WDI contingent looked up, the Eyetalian looking assailant turned, brushed off his hands and sauntered into the misty Chicago night, prompting Joebob to exclaim, “Hey isn’t that Rahm Emmanuel?” A frightened Brian Mele, cucino of Kapalua and dinner guest of the WDI that nite, replied from behind his pretty 57 red Corvette convertible, “I don’t think it was Rahm, he looked more like Al Capone, Luca Brazzi or my Uncle Gene.”  Then he jumped up, got into his car and sped off, yelling “See you suckers…..” and leaving the boys to care for the wounded Snootdog, who, as he was shaking the cobwebs out of his system, wondered out loud, why he just took a swan dive into cement, not water.

     Ok, ok, so the WDI boys had a little too much to drink that Monday nite in Chitown….starting at TIA en route to Midway Airport and then to a WDI pre-tourney kick-off party at Goldy and Lauren’s( Bernie’s daughter and son-in-law ) beautiful, brick town house and then on to a tasty Eyetalian dinner at Fillipos near Lincoln Park.

   Actually, Snooter didn’t have a real good outing that evening, but it started out pretty sweet with a couple Bloody’s in Tampa….a few glasses of wine aboard SW 4567 (Jimmy likes that wine )…2 rounds at the WIT Hotel on State St. upon arrival…then more drinks at the cocktail party and whew, finishing up with more wine and night caps at Fillpos. However, it turned out to be an expensive day, so to speak for him…….let’s see in order, 1. he lost his glasses…2. his dress shoes at dinner and 3. oh yeah ,managed to turn Lauren’s pretty white Broyhill dining chairs into a white motif with red stains. Hell, maybe it was Andy’s fault for serving shrimp with red cocktail sauce??????

    At any rate, after Monday nite, the week got off to a roaring start on Tuesday at Olympia Fields, site of many US Opens; then Medinah, Queen of Chicago courses, Kemper Lakes, Beverly and finally Harborside. The tourney featured 5 past WDI champs: Snooter, Duke, Neck, Boynie and that sweet-swinging, good-looking PR Hawaiian….perennial 2d place finisher JoeBabbo, Andy Goldman( Goldy ) and I Like Ike ( 2013s MVK….Most Valuable Korean ) Goldy and Ike had done a remarkable job of setting up these courses and aligning them with top Chitown restaurants as well.

   The small-mouthed bass, Neck had vaulted out of the gate, like a 60 year old (he’s got to be 80,81????) leading the tourney after DAY 1 at rainy Olympia Fields. Actually, the small Clam/Neck lead after EACH round, eventually leading 2d place pud, Boynie by 3 going into Saturday’s final round. But, something happened on the “way to the Forum.” It seems, the Neck left Chicago in the dead of night on Friday evening and headed back to Frankenmuth, Michigan after a visit from Vinny and Bruno, a couple of Kapalua’s and Brian Mele’s cousins from the South side. Strange, all they wanted to do was to take Neck on a’ nice fishing trip’, a la Godfather 2 (that’s when Freddo got whacked in a boat while fishing). Sooo, it was a WD from the WDI and some hard feelings! FORGETABOUTIT!!

    Back to golf………Majestic Medinah on DAY 2, with it’s looming Masonic architecture proved to be a memorable experience, with the exception of the Snootdog. While everyone had a tough outing, Snoot had the most difficult of all, since his shoulder and knee was still scratched up and sore from the Clyborne dive/belly flop. With it’s lush tree-lined fairways and fast manicured greens, it lived up to it’s reputation as a Top 100 course.

    Kemper Lakes, founded in 1979 and host of the 89 PGA won by Payne Stewart and Beverly CC, designed by Donald Ross in 1908 (and the host of several US Opens and Amateur events back in the day ) only added to the lore of Chicago’s great layouts. But the boys were getting a little battle-fatigued from the hour and a half commutes to and from the courses. Chicago traffic is horrendous, but dining at spots like Volare, Publican and Chicago Cut Steakhouse helped sway the momentum from tiredness to inebriation.

    FINALLY on DAY 5, there was a sense of finished business. With the Neck WDing, that left Boynie, an ebbing athlete with questionable golfing skills, as the leader in the clubhouse at -13; followed by a hard-charging, but, sweet-swinging Kapalua at -14; I Like Ike  -19 and a lurking and dangerous Joebabbo at -20. The also-ran schmoo , other 4-some, featured the still dazed Snoot -23, the under achieving Duke of Nowhere at -21, a faltering Goldy at 24 and fill-in, Chitown friend Ross Ettin.

    Harborside on Saturday, was the site of the final round. A links course, unlike the others, it reminded you of Streamsong or Arcadia Bluffs. Wide open, but rough strewn, the Port Course there yielded the best scores of the week. The Champion’s Tour had played there in 2002( SBC Open ) causing Ben Crenshaw to call it “America’s Muirfield.”

    Perhaps by chance, but maybe by pedigree, Kapalua and Boynie both had ties to the Windy City. Kap was born there before his family moved to Puerto Rico by way of Hawaii and Boynie’s son in law and daughter lived there. They both battled the strong winds and Kap’s bad gas to a standstill when they each bogeyed 17 and 18 to tie for the Championship. It was Kap’s record 5th WDI Trophy tieing the WDI Hall of Fame wannabe, little Stevie Boltster and Boynie’s 1st win since Torrey Pines in ’07. Boynie had remarkably played 28 Majors in that time span from 07 to 2014, missing the cut in 27 of them.

     The Comeback Kids, Duke (76) and Joebob(86) finished close behind their behinds in a tie for 2d place by ONE stroke. It was the Duke’s first and only round in the 70s, ” Ok Ok so I was a little rusty, but you all better be prepared for Ireland in August”, snapped a sapped Duke. Indeed, the Windy City Open had lived up to it’s reputation as one of the great venues of superior golf to any tour….PGA, LPGA or WDI. Added to Chicago’s great eateries, it was one of the best tour stops in recent history. Actually, it seemed like it was the Godfather of all WDI toonamints ( 36).

Sports forever,

 Wick E. Wiley

KRAFTY VETS KAPALUA AND BRONECK BATTLE TO A TIE ( AGAIN )
AT 2013 MICHIGAN WDI
( FRANKENMUTH FIEND BUSTED BY WDI ROOKIES )
BY WICK E. WILEY, ESPN SPORTS EDITOR

The struggle was over in less than a minute—the wounded, scowling man lay in a heap looking up through glazed eyes as his victors glared downward. JOHN WAYNE GACY, the Chicago serial killer, had made a poor choice–he hit on the young kid, Goldilox from Chitown. GACY had done it before, countless times……….ferret out the young plump ones, but, alas he had bad eyesight ( Goldilox is 43, not 13 ) and he had seriously underestimated Goldy’s Korean sidekick…Genghis Hong! With a well-placed leg kick, Genghis ( aka I Like Ike ) had laid out the big 240 pound pervert, by severely relocating GACY’S left knee joint in Joe Theisman-like manner.

GACY was immediately taken into custody by the Frankenmuth Police Force ( all 2 of them ). Mayor Mike “Neck” Nectarine, in a hastily scheduled news conference, while eating a sliver of the city’s famous apple strudel, praised the police: “Guten Morgen, townspeople….And a hearty thank-you to Frankenmuth’s Finest, Andy and Barney for taking that low-life into custody and off the streets of lovely Frankenmuth. Now, I have to leave this fair city and compete in the 35th WDI Invitational, which, by the way, starts today. I leave the mayoral reins to my boys, Ben and Mack, who will watch and growl over our city, until I return triumphant” BARK…BARK …BARK

The ONLY problem was that young Mayor Neck did not return the coveted WDI Cup to Frankenmuth…….BUT he came awfully close!!!

After shooting a blistering 79 ( with 5 birdies, a WDI record ) at the beautiful Fortress of Correigidor, he led by 9 stokes, after the 1st round, over untested rookie Goldilox….+11 to +2. To the other 6 players—-it seemed and felt like the Bataan Death March. Broneck was 3rd at -1; Snoot was 4th at -2; Kapalua and Fish tied for 5th at -3; Boynie next at -6 and the rookie pervert-slayer, I Like Ike, last at -11. It seemed like the tourney was over..done deal…finite, but after DAY 2 and 3 at Tullymore, about 2 hours west of Frankenmuth in a secluded wooded section of Central Michigan ( funny, aren’t ALL Michigan courses in secluded wooded sections? ) the Neck’s game was ALL OVER the frickin place. Notwithstanding that, it seemed like his game had steadied. He still had the lead, but it had dwindled down to +5.

His famous WWII and Korean vet brother, Broneck….was staying close in 2d at level par (0), while the Good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua, was making his famous charge at Tullymore, with help from Cap’s Cuties, his faithful group of tittie dancers from Club Cheetah ( 83..84 ) to close at -6 and 3rd place, 11 shots behind the Little Clam Neck and perhaps a number too great to overcome?? ………NOT!!! More later on this subject. ESPN asked 2d place Broneck how he felt about his game at this juncture…to which he replied” JUST TERRIFIC!” And everyone’s fav, including the cart cracks, Snoot Doggy Dog, shot respectably ( 87–87 ) to fall to 4th place. Goldilox’s early good play diminished, especially after ALL the media calls to him about the Frankenmuth episode: “Frankly” said Goldy, ” I was getting fed-up with ALL those asinine questions from the media. Especially, why GACY targeted me…….what am I a plump chicken, for crying out loud? OY VAY… He fell to -16 and 6th place, never smelling the lead again!

His roomie and rookie bud, I LIKE IKE, however, loved the media attention and played more betterer, shooting in the low 90s to climb out of last place. ” When I started this tourney, I wanted to get off to a good start. As the Korean proverb goes, SHIJAK BANIDA,” A good start is important to any effort. ” And I especially loved kicking GACY’S perverted ass!!!” Needless to say, ESPN loved this guy and ate up his quotes. The large Tilapia, however, and wingman Boynie, continued to spiral downward on the narrow Tullymore’s fairways and elevated tee boxes. Rumors of bad-smelling RED TIDE on the back nine at St. Ives were proven to be true, while others spied a broken gyro-scope with Jewish inscriptions laying on the 18th green. OY VAY!

Moving day was Thursday, August 29 @ fabled Oakland Hills, site of so many US Opens, PGAs, US Amateurs ( inc. the 2014 US Am) and a Ryder Cup. The Neck brothers, anxious to get an early start……….slept in their cars in the Oakland Hills parking lot and were seen practicing their putting and chipping at 5:15 am. With a 5 stroke lead over his older brother and 11 strokes over a hard-charging Kapalua, the Neck was still supremely confident…….maybe a little bit OVERCONFIDENT!!!

BECAUSE, when Day 4 was in the books, ESPN was there to catch the collapse of the decade——-some say reminiscent of Greg Norman’s at the Masters in the 90’s. And it wasn’t pretty for the other boys as well. EXCEPT, for the good-looking, sweet-swinging Puerto Rican Hawaiian, Kapalua who bogeyed 18 for a frickin 80 and a +6 day!!! The Neck had set another WDI record ( but one he’d wish he never had ) and had fallen from 1st at +5 to 3rd at -12, in the blink of a morning. Broneck posted a 90 and also dived from 0 to -8, but was still in 2d place. His score and position would prove important as the next day would show. The Neck brothers were now chasing the good-looking, sweet-swinging PR, Kap who was now the leader at level par…0. ( While Fish and Broneck both shot 90, everyone else shot in the high 90s……including a despondent Snooter) Were the short-sheeted beds finally catching up with the Snoot-Dog? ” Geez Kap”( his roomie ), replied a tired and crampy Snoot, ” my legs have been hurting me all week and I’m really tired.” All Kap could do was turn away and let out a guffaw!

That night @ Gandy Dancer, an elegant restaurant in the beautifully restored Ann Arbor Train Depot and known for creative preparations of whitefish, sole and salmon……it seemed like the boys had hit the wall. Only imbibing small amounts of alcohol and ordering 6 appetizers, instead of 8 and trying to avoid the menacing fork of the Little Clam Neck, they were tapped and tired……..but had ONE more course to play……the Allistair McKenzie designed Univ. of Michigan golf course built in 1931.

Kap started OK with a 3 putt bogey on One, then inexplicably started leaking large amounts of oil and listing heavily to starboard, shooting 48 on the front 9, before snapping out of his funk to shoot 42 on the back for his highest score of the week (90). When he bogeyed 18 from 3 feet….Kap had thought he might have blown it, but learned that Broneck also had bogeyed 18. Bro had shot a sterling 83 and met his quota on the number to finish at -8…….the same number that Kap had after a rough morning round (-8) AND the same way they finished at Bay Hill in May 2005. ( they both bogeyed 18 at Bay Hill also)

Later at the Awards ceremony on the 18th green of the Blue Course at U of M, hundreds of tasty-looking coeds were thronging the green hoping to catch a glimpse of the sliver haired Champs. Snoot Dog, the MC for the ceremony, thanked the large crowd/fannies, the WDI officials, and the competitors and then turned to the MVK ( Most Valuable Korean ) of the toonamint, I Like Ike, and in his best Korean dialect said, smilingly, what amounted to: YOU ARE LOOKING AT A MAN WHO CAN RUN YOU THROUGH WITH A SWORD WITHOUT BATTING A EYE. ….WHOOPS—-wrong Korean proverb Snoot!!!

The crowd gasped as I Like Ike picked Snoot up, twirling him around like a baton, say, 3 or 4 times before heaving him into nearby scrubby underbush. Kapalua, sweating heavily and sensing a fate worse than Snoot’s, repeatedly kept looking at his Korean notes, held up his hand to quiet the crowd…..then in HIS best Korean dialect said, something like this……….WEONSUNGIDO NAMUSEO DDEOLEOJINDA…WHICH TRANSLATED I THINK MEANS…. Even Monkeys may fall from trees”. A battered and short Snoot ( he was now down to 5’5″ due to his sheet shortening) looked up from the underbrush and said, ” Did that MOFO just call me a monkey?”

Broneck, the cagey vet, after seeing all this go down, turned and said ” Brother where art thou”….From out of nowhere, came the short, aging, but once QB leader of the Frankenmuth Eagles back in the early 50s, who like a fullback, led Broneck through the agitated crowd into an awaiting 1969 Frankenmuth Police Cruiser, covered with’ We Like Mike’ mayoral signs. This startled I Like Ike who, at first thought the car was his. Pissed that it wasn’t….he started running toward it! ESPN reporters, kept the microphone in Broneck’s face, repeatedly asking him how he felt after tying for the championship and his 2d Major…..Finally, as he prepared to enter the police car, Broneck turned to the reporter closest to him, saw a charging I Like Ike and simply said, “JUST TERRIFIC”! Unsubstaniated witnesses say they saw a worn-out, but in tip-top shape Genghis Hong give up the chase right outside Detroit Airport, about 30 miles away, as the Neck bros exhaled a huge sigh of relief.

So there you have it boys and girls, especially the Michigan coeds……another great WDI finish with no, I repeat no DWIs! Hope to see you all at the 20th Anniversary N. Ireland WDI in August 2014 and perhaps a spring WDI at another exciting venue before that!

Yours in sports,
Wick E. Wiley

FORTRESS ST. IVES TULLYMORE OAKLAND HILLS UNIV. OF MICH STARTING HCP. ENDING HCP.
1. KAPALUA 87 84 84 80 90 11 11
1. BRONECK 84 81 84 91 83 10 12
3. NECK 79 91 82 99 87 13 17
4. BOYNIE 96 96 97 96 89 18 22
5. GOLDILOX 87 99 98 96 98 16 21
5. I LIKE IKE 99 92 96 96 95 16 21
7. FISH 88 95 95 90 98 13 19
8. SNOOT 84 87 87 98 96 9 16